The Word Pretty
pret·ty [prit-ee] adjective
1. pleasing or attractive to the eye, as by delicacy or gracefulness: a pretty face.
2. (of things, places, etc.) pleasing to the eye, especially without grandeur.
3. pleasing to the ear: a pretty tune.
4. pleasing to the mind or aesthetic taste: He writes pretty little stories.
5. (often used ironically) fine; grand: This is a pretty mess!
Pretty is a word that can be used to describe many different things. When you’re young, a parent may say your artwork is pretty. In your teen years, a friend may compliment you on your pretty dress. As an adult, a potential date may say you look pretty. Pretty is a universal word, but how do you know someone is being genuine when they use it?
Growing up, and even now, I’ve had plenty of people tell me how pretty I am. My family says it often, but I never believe them. Family is supposed to say that stuff, it’s like a law, so I say thanks and brush it off.
I’ve had friends tell me I am pretty, but again, I never take their words to heart. Good friends are supposed to be honest, always, but what kind of friend would tell you that you’re ugly?
I’ve never considered myself to be pretty. I’m not sure that I would go as far as to say I was unattractive, but I just wouldn’t call myself pretty. Beauty queens are pretty. Cheerleaders are pretty. I was the awkward, chubby girl.
In school, I got along well with lots of different groups of people, but was never the girl that boys wanted to date. My self-esteem and self-image took a hit during those formidable school years. I was shy and kept to myself. I watched from the sidelines as my friends and classmates all dated. But I still heard the word pretty, mostly from friends and family, and I never felt it.
Through college I tried to put myself out there more. I wanted to meet new people and make new friends and be that person I was too shy to be in high school. I learned quickly that it’s hard to make other people think you’re attractive when you don’t believe it yourself. I remained single throughout college, always the third-wheel on outings with friends. But I still heard the word pretty, still from friends and family, but I never felt it.
As an adult I continue to be single. In 17 months since my surgery, I’ve finally begun to open up. Not just friends and family, but complete strangers, tell me how pretty I am. Those who’ve known me for any length of time preface compliments with “You’ve always been pretty, but you’re beautiful now,” which makes me question the value of their statement. Sure, they say pretty, but I can I believe it?
My self-esteem and body image is something that I will likely have to work on for a long time, I’m not there yet, and I know it won’t change overnight. When people tell me I am pretty, I want to believe their words because I feel it myself. I want to be able to take this compliment without second guessing their motives or assuming they are just being nice, but I can’t come to terms with the word pretty, when I don’t see a “pretty” woman looking at me in the mirror.
How do you get there?
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Greis (pronounced Grace) is a single, 30 something, Texas girl with an iPhone addiction. She loves her hometown Houston sports teams, Astros Baseball & Texans Football! When she's not working as an inside sales analyst for a local manufacturing company, you can usually find her on the internet, watching trashy reality television or snuggling her niece, Audrey. In her spare time she enjoys a good chick flick, reading teenage vampire books (the sparkly kind) and dreaming about what life will be like when she finally wins the lottery. 
Hi Greis – for the record, I’ve seen a couple of pictures of you on this board and always thought to myself – what a pretty woman. Yes, it is going to take time to get used to your new self. But pretty was there before as it is there now. Maybe take it bit by bit. Look at yourself in the mirror but not as a whole, but first your eyes, then your nose, mouth, hair, hands, torso, legs, etc. Find the parts of the physical you that you like, then work on seeing the parts of you that you don’t necessarily like. Internally, work on changing how you see yourself. Appreciate your physical self and your psychological self and spiritual self. You are a whole, complex being. But with that being said, I know how it can be hard to see yourself as pretty. It’s about acceptance, I think.
Cindy, thank you for the reply and kind words. I’m trying to get to a point where I really appreciate myself more. It’s hard, but baby steps will get me there eventually.
As someone who knows you in the real world, Greis, you ARE pretty, both inside and out.
Interestingly enough, I, like you don’t consider myself pretty. The biggest difference though is that I don’t think anyone’s ever called me pretty. It’s not that I think I’m ugly, but I don’t think of myself that way at all. I’m the smart one or the funny one or the sporty one, but never the pretty one. I’ve been fine with that my entire life.
You know, now I’m going to think on this for a while today….
Terri, thank you!! You are absolutely gorgeous and funny and sporty and a great friend!! Why is it so hard to think of ourselves as pretty?
I was 29 the first time in my life my mom called me pretty. Needless to say, that is not a word I associate with myself (see also: beautiful and/or sexy). At best, I’d say I’m attractive (to the right person) or “interesting” looking. At worst? Yeah, we won’t go there.
I get it. Though I’ve heard pretty from family and close friends for years I still can’t accept it. Hoping that changes one day. As superficial as it may sound I think all girls/women want to feel pretty.
I have kept this page open on my computer all day since I first read it this morning..and I keep coming back and reading and it looking at it and trying to write some sort of a response…but I don’t even know where to start…except to say that wow, I get it. Though things might be slightly different and whatever…the general theme of this? Kicked me right in the gut.
It’s amazing to me that someone could write something that sounds like the soundtrack to my brain..but it also breaks my heart that someone else feels this way..because I know how isolating and painful and lonely it can be some days.
I often get frustrated because I want to see the person other people say they see..but I am also frustrated on a regular basis because I want to know that I can trust people when they tell me that what they see is pretty or beautiful or whatever – and the truth is – I don’t see it and I don’t trust people. Ever. At all.
It eat away at me because I don’t really know when this lack of trust began, how it began..it just always feel like this fear and lack of love for myself has existed..so how can I even..work on that? How can I fix it when it’s been like this for as long as I can remember?
Thanks for posting this..(even if it did made me cry. Multiple times.) it’s given me a lot to think about and ponder throughout the day..more things to work on I suppose.
I’m glad you see yourself more positively now..and hope that you’re able to trust people and their words in the near future :) And just for the record..I think you’re beautiful AND pretty…and knowing all to well how you feel about things such as these… I seriously would never lie about that.
Wow, Erin, it’s comments like this that make me feel good. It’s so great to hear that I’m not alone with my feelings and that there are other people out there that get it and have the same types of feelings. Regardless of how I feel I know I’m never alone.
We are all a work in progress.
Thanks for commenting and reading!
I wish I had the courage to share on this subject. It makes me ponder the relevance of “pretty” over being interesting, intelligent, loyal, funny, or any other honorable trait that pretty doesn’t come close to being as good as. I was not raised to think of myself as any kind of special – much less special – even though I was a great student and in the gifted and talented program and had an introspection far beyond my years. Yet because of my low self esteem I devalued that and began a road of giving my body away to anyone who would have me, thinking they wouldn’t if I wasn’t “pretty”.
I am 35 years old now and have a 3 1/2 year old daughter. I really need to get out of my own head and figure out how to raise her and help her cultivate her own sense of self that includes pretty as well as all the things she already is.
Thanks for posting this. Blessings and wishes for peace.
I think all of the traits you list are honorable and very important, definitely, but I also believe that all girls/women want to feel pretty.
Thanks for reading and commenting, it’s great to see that I’m not alone in my feelings.
As someone who knows you in real life, you are far more than just pretty. You’re beautiful. Inside and out. Whether or not you feel it is a different issue. It might just take time. It seems like most women I know start to get more comfortable in their own skin sometime in their 30s. So maybe you’re just a late starter. Nothing wrong with that. XOXO
Cindy, thank you a million times over!! I’m working on my issues and slowly I’m getting there. Can’t wait to see you in a few weeks!
I use to feel that way too. My family and friends would tell me I was beautiful and I always heard stories about when I was very little, that complete strangers would stop them in the street to tell them how beautiful I was. There is even a story about a little boy screaming that he wanted to marry me. These stories did not make me feel pretty or beautiful. To me, I may have been a beautiful child, but I was not a beautiful teenager and I doubted I was going to be a beautiful adult. I never dated in high school or college either. I know that people follow the line that “If I don’t I find myself pretty, how can anybody else,” but that is simply not true. No matter how you feel about yourself, people can and do find you pretty. How I got to pretty was when I ran into an old guy friend from school. He was pretty cute and dated a lot of the pretty girls. We chatted, catch up on old times. He then told me that he use to have a crush on me in school, he thought I was beautiful. When I asked why he did not approached me, he said because he didn’t get any vibes that I was intrested. I did not flirt with him or gave him any sign that I was intrested. I realize that because of I how I felt about myself, I missed the signals that guys gave me when they were intrested. Despite what is shown on the movies, guys do not approached girls and gush how beautiful they are. Besides, it comes off VERY cheesy in real life. But let’s be honset, when we don’t feel pretty about ourselves, why bother learning the rules of dating or flirting? “It’s not like we’re going to use them anyway.” That is the only difference between girls who feel pretty and the ones that don’t: pretty girls notice the signals guys give them, girls who don’t feel pretty do not. I bet you if you talk to some of the guys you liked in the past, you would be suprise at much they liked you, and NOT as a friend. This is not to say that you should rely on others to make you feel beautiful. True beauty is able to be happy with yourself, no matter what others think. But, knowing things like this does help with that path.
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