My Favorite Relationship: Food
For the past 5 years, I have been on quite the food adventure. First, I spent a huge amount of money on a holistic health counselor to help me decode my relationship to food. (It was completely worth it.)
Then, after my second pregnancy and a bout with gestational diabetes that didn’t exactly go away, I had to have quite the conversation with my body about what I put in it.
Like so many women, I’m an emotional eater. Often, I choose something to dull pain instead of facing the issue or actually feeling them, not eating them. (Imagine that!??)
When it comes right down to it, I’m pre-diabetic and my body simply does not metabolize sugar. Any sugar. That means simple, complex and carbs, too. I’m not ‘fadding’ my way through Atkins or South Beach…I’m eating to stay alive, only I’m “not eating” to stay alive. (Try to explain that to your family who wants to have a potluck. The BBQ where cupcakes, chips and pop are the main ingredient does not inspire health for my pancreas. And no, that doesn’t mean I want your opinion on my weight loss/gain and the current status of my plate.)
Some of the hardest decisions I make (on a fucking daily basis) is to not eat something. It’s hard for me to do, which is why I don’t let anyone but my husband know this about me.
I’ve struggled with my body image for so long that I can’t remember what confidence feels like and in the past 2 years I’ve lost 40 pounds only to gain about 15 of it back. Don’t worry, I beat myself up about these stupid (meaningless) numbers on a daily basis. The scale is my nemesis.
I guess I’m writing about it here because for the first time in a long time I feel like there’s an honest, non-judgmental space for women like me who struggle silently.
How about you? When did you finally realize you needed a change and was it easy to see?
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Jodi lives naked on paper writing through her Life List and all that is being married to a serial entrepreneur. A mother to two, Jodi has a passion to inspire women to live outside of titles. She chronicles lists and links of Things To Do, takes way too many photos and dreams of living in one place for longer than 12 months. 
Jodi, please get out of my head.
This. Exactly this is my every single day.
Thank you for finally writing it.
Thank you! It’s a vulnerable piece to write and I’m glad you found a voice in it, too.
I was going to say just what Cricky said. I struggle DAILY with what I eat, how much and the effects that it will have on my body and my mental health. I hate this about myself. My body is not a joy to me. Warm hugs to you my friend. Thank you for finally stepping up and saying something. It’s so hard to do. For me saying it makes me think that people are thinking “Oh, she’s finally going to do something about her weight.” And then when I don’t loose weight and I am in the same place a month or two later, I feel like a failure! :( Love you!!
I eat all my feelings! Great post. I think so many of us relate. Thanks for sharing. xo
Wow, thank you. I’ve lost and gained and had two kids and gained and lost and broke a leg and gained, and I’m in a place where I had to find comfort with my body to even leave the house, I’m so embarrassed because who I see in my head is not what people see when they look at me. So I make jokes about my weight, and I try to be honest and upfront about it — almost trying to make the joke before anyone else can make it in their head.
It’s a relief to read your words and realize I’m not the only one having ferocious fights in my head over not eating something. But you’re giving me the courage to try again to find a healthy relationship with my body — not by becoming the class clown about my weight but finding the healthy good things to fill it with.
“Some of the hardest decisions I make (on a fucking daily basis) is to not eat something.”
THIS! Yes. Every single day.
I have been trying to control my weight since I was a teenager. I have succeeded, failed, given up and started over so many times. In the end, the only thing helps me make the daily decisions of what *not* to eat is that my health is deteriorating and I don’t want to live with chronic illness.
Rock on, sister. You are not alone.
I also agree with this quote. And find it insanely annoying that EVERYTHING we do socially in this culture revolves around food. Usually, if you don’t mention it or put it in front of me, I don’t miss it… but the skinny people just don’t understand that!
I am so glad you brought this up. So many women are dealing with the same issues. I too try to hide it from everyone and only select people know about issues – the scales are like an abusive boyfriend you can’t shake.
Oh, man. Thanks for this post! I’m right there with all of you. Each and every day I have to talk myself out of eating SOMEthing. I don’t know how NOT to be an emotional eater. This weekend I got myself a treat and by the time I had a minute to eat it, I didn’t even feel hungry or want it…but by then felt I had to. How crazy is that…?!
I don’t know what to do about it…I’ve often thought it would be worthwhile to invest in some time with a therapist that specialized in food issues. I’d LOVE to get to the bottom of why I do this…and even better, figure out how to NOT pass it on to my kids.
Sigh. A never-ending battle. Thanks again for letting us know we’re not alone.
yep. Lately, while nursing, I’ve given myself a pass to pretty much eat whatever I want and change my way of thinking of calories, carbs, and whatnot. It is a thinking that is wrought with guilt.
I, too, am prediabetic and have NEVER in 5 pregnancies been able to eat “for two” because of gestational diabetes. I guess this is my way of justifying how I’m eating now, but it has led to me being very uncomfortable in my body and now getting to that place.
So here’s to change.
I’ll be the next in line to say “amen.” For my whole life (including childhood), food has never been just food. It has been love, comfort, entertainment, punishment, etc.
I just went through a rough divorce. I started seeing a therapist to talk about the divorce, but quickly discovered that there is a lot of baggage (including my relationship with food) buried deep inside me. I’m hoping that working through all of this will help me kick my food addiction, but I literally can’t imagine a world where I don’t use food to deal with other things.
Like you, I feel as though I really need to work not relying so heavily on sweets and carbs. But it’s hard. It’s really hard. I know how much happier my body would be if I developed healthier eating habits, but so far the only time in my life I’ve been able to do that was when I was pregnant. It says a lot about me that I’m not willing/able to treat my own body with the same respect I treated my unborn daughter’s. Why is it so hard to be as good to myself as I was (and still am) to her?
LADIES! It’s like we’re a choir of unspoken voices rising up and screaming ENOUGH.
The sweetest sound, actually. Thank you for the encouragement and the joining me where I am.
We can do this. I have a note taped by my stove that reminds me “Your Body is the House of your Soul, Bless it” it reminds me that I’ll clean my house for company, bake nourishing foods for friends … and at the end of the day I’m just as important as any of those tasks. If not more.
I love this about all of you, we’re not alone – so why do we always wear the armor for battle thinking we’re front-lining solo?
Jodimichelle…and Jaimee above…YES. I am a huge stickler when it comes to the food I will feed my kids. Whole grains, healthy proteins, etc. So why why WHY do I not take it as seriously for myself…?! What IS it that drives me to believe that by feeding myself some piece of crap, I’m actually “rewarding” myself when, in fact, it’s more punishment than anything else…?! I just don’t get why I self-sabotage this way. ARGH!
I’m fully aware of the problem…I just don’t know what to do about it.
Totally agree. It’s so hard to (excuse the word porn) “balance” all of that and still feel good about taking the time to nurture ourselves.
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You are doing such an awesome thing!! I ignored the doctors when they said I was pre-diabetic, and ate my way through the stress of law school. Now I am full blown diabetic, unable to get my glucose under control, inject myself daily, and suffer painful nerve damage in my feet. (I’m under 30!) Keep doing what you are doing, and take it from someone who has been there, your strength is amazing! It seems like such a small thing to some people, to avoid eating what you’re body can’t process properly, but like so many others, food is my reward, my consolation, my celebration, and my daily struggle.
Thank you for this. I struggle just as much explaining this to my family members as I do with the actual acts of saying no. It’s not that they’re not supportive – they are, but they don’t understand it. It’s beyond them that my body doesn’t work like theirs. And when we eat out at a restaurant I just stare at people’s plates wondering HOW THE HELL they’re pancreas digests all of that? It’s death for me. Literally. Suicide through my mouth – it’s not good. And I do have strength in this, I’ve been able to get to a place (after losing weight) where I was no longer at risk, but that didn’t mean I could all of a sudden eat cake and ice cream. It’s so important and I’d love to scream about it sometimes because it’s not “just today” or “until this weight comes off” It’s forever. FOR EVER.
Wow. I needed to say that apparently :) (Thank you! and I really hope you can get control of your own journey.)
I find one of my most frustrating issues is that I KNOW how to lose weight. I know what works for me just doing it seems to be where I lose it.
I gained 14 lbs from last summer and my friend made me throw away all my “big” clothes and now I have nothing to wear and still I seem to refuse to make the changes. So much so that I made brownies and a cake at the same time since well, the oven was already on.
Been there! And then you almost hate yourself more because when you’re clothes don’t fit properly it’s a constant reminder (without a scale or mirror) how far you’ve come, one direction or another.
Which also – we could talk about the insecurities of actually losing weight too. That’s not the end all either.
Getting there feels great but the attention from it almost fuels an unhealthy need. Such a catch-22.
There hasn’t been a day in my life where I don’t agonize over the food that I eat. Every morning I wake up and swear today will be different. Every night I go to bed and know that at least once that day (generally several times a day… I think about food and my body image as much as men think about sex) I felt fat/unattractive or hated myself for not saying no to a certain food. If I top that with not exercising, it’s additional self-loathing.
I think my love-hate relationship with food started when I was a teenager–when my family told me I was fat, and if I didn’t exercise and eat better, I was going to be fat and lazy for the rest of my life–this coming from people who weren’t exactly healthy themselves, I know now it was just easy for them to point out other people’s flaws to hide from their own. After that, I went down to a size 2. Then I had 3 kids within 7 years, and the weight couldn’t keep up–I was 200lbs after my youngest daughter was born. Fast forward seven years, and now I am fighting thyroid problems and the possibility of pre-diabetes. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but it also answers a lot of struggles with weight I’ve had, and lets me know that in the end, it may not just be my relationship with food.
That’s awful actually. I’m so sorry that someone, at such a young age, made you feel less-than. What the hell? And then the roller coaster ride of weight management and self hatred. What a gift your family gave you.
From the bottom of my heart – I’m so sorry. I have a 6 1/2 year old daughter who is already aware of her body in a self hatred way and it KILLS me. She’s perfect and beautiful and athletic and is growing – she’s supposed to look like this. There’s a time for slimming down and shedding the childish figure – 6, 10 even 12 … is not that time.
Ohhhhh ladies…… sighhh….. the biggest sigh in the world around this.
Then to add further insult to injury we get down on ourselves because we beat ourselves up. THIS is all about how we are acting our our cultural’s norm which equates worth to size in women. It wasn’t always like this and in many countries it is still not like this. Yes, in other countries and in our long human history women were not constantly thinking of food (except where to get it and eat it) or about their bodies in a way that shamed and disgusted them (mostly was “am I strong enough to hoe this field with this kid on my back?”).
We are hunched over with the crazy demands imposed upon us, most often trying to fulfill an impossible goal living in post modern lives that often do not make any sense.
Personally I find my body issues have become so deliberating I am starting to see an Anxiety/Mindful Meditation therapist. I am starting to be able to clear by head of the insanity that is pur society sometimes and get to equilibrium… probably never “thin” equilibrium. But a healthy one, inside and out. A question I like to ask myself before I eat something is, “Am I honoring my beautiful body by eating that?” If the answer is no, then, “Am I honoring a psychological need in my mind?” if yes, then “Can something else replace the food?” if no… then I eat it without regret :)
Love this, thank you.
Thank you sooo much! This is EXACTLY what I’ve been struggling with. I appreciate your honesty!
Absolutely! I’ll continue the conversation in another piece – and thank YOU!
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When I learned to cook I started realizing that food at it’s best is something simple. And using it to solve complex problems was a bad idea I didn’t even know I was having on a daily basis.
I just ate about 10 (okay, let’s be honest — 12) Oreos out of sight of my family so they don’tknow I did it. I can relate to nearly all of the sentiments that everyone has posted. I will lie to my family. I will lie to my trainer. I will lie to my doctor. And I will beat myself up but I will still eat the cookies. What’s up with that?? I have actually accomplished some things in the past year I am very proud of: lost 30 pounds, ran my first 5K and 8K, brought my sugars down so my doctor is no longer threatening to treat me for diabetes. Alas, I’ve gained back some of the weight, had foot problems that curtailed my running. The only constant has been food — eating it, not eating it, thinking about it, trying not to think about it. Aaaarrrggghhh. Sometimes I just feel physically tired how hard it is to deal with food each and every day. I haven’t tried to explain it to anyone, neither my best friend or my husband who both feel I am ‘so open’ with them. They would never understand the energy it consumes on a daily basis.
I completley agree. No matter how hard i try to eat healthy i am constinly forcing myself to NOT eat something, anything. Its like not having any will over it. Sadly enough i think alot of wemon share this. And as i have seen someone comment, even i too eat out of sight of friends and family. I lie about what i eat to my mother in fear of critisism about my weight and what i eat. But i love sweets, chocolates, cakes , candy, and fast food. Ive tried bargining myself into it. ” oh ive been working really hard all day i can have a few oreos” when intruth ive already had plenty.