What’s Your Relationship Fighting Style?
I’ll admit it.
(But, I’ll probably get defensive about it later.)
I can be a huge baby when my husband and I get into a fight.
I am well aware of this and, yet, time and again, I resort to acting like an infant when I am hurt or angry with him. Even when its my fault.
Actually, especially when it’s my fault.
During an argument, it’s very hard for me to keep my cool and talk things out like an adult. My emotions get the better of me, my anger rises to the surface, and I explode. I’m a total hothead.
My husband, on the other hand, is the opposite. He shuts down and doesn’t say much, not wanting to deal with the particular marital spat de jour. This only adds fuel to my fire.
The longer he stays quiet or doesn’t engage me, the more annoyed I become. The more annoyed I become, the sharper my tongue gets and the more insults I hurl at him. Insults that I never mean; I am only saying them to be mean. And I say these things to hurt him, because I am hurting or upset or just annoyed.
And 12 years old, apparently.
I hate how defensive I can be at times. It’s such a terrible feeling, ranking right up there with jealousy. It eats away at me and serves no purpose.
And, still, I go there.
For example, I once got upset when my husband confessed he thought my favorite nachos from a certain restaurant were gross.
I immediately got all huffy and puffy and what do you know?!?!? on his ass.
Why? I have no idea.
He was not saying I was gross. I am not the nacho. I didn’t even make the nachos. But, there I went, getting all sensitive and defensive about the damn nachos.
I’m not even sure where I learned to fight like this.
But, I know I need to unlearn it.
Because answering, “Hey, can you turn the television down? It’s a little loud.” with, “So, what are you saying? That you think I look fat and my face annoys you?” is not working for me or for my relationship.
So, lately, I’ve been trying my best to argue like an adult and to fight fairly. And to stop taking things so personally. I’ve got to realize that it’s not an attack on me simply because my husband doesn’t like something that I like, or because his opinion is different than mine.
Maybe I need to come up with a mantra to calm me down when I’m about to overreact.
I am not the nacho.
Perfect.
How do you fight with your partner?
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Allison Zapata decided to start a blog at three in the morning, while up sobbing with her crying newborn. She loves to write, but doesn't call herself a writer. She doubts herself often, and is known to have mini-meltdowns on the regular. Allison resides in Texas with her often embarrassed husband, two sons, two dogs, and one asshole cat. 
I’m awful. I’m usually super defensive, easily offended and I hold grudges and bring them up when I have no other ammo. But I’m really trying to work on that. Although my spouse will eternally regret the one time he lost his temper on a vacation and called me a bitch in the middle of the train station. I know he felt awful about it, but I can’t seem to let that one go completely.
Same here, sister!
I’m a cryer. Angry = cry, Sad = cry, Disappointed = cry. My husband has just learned that he has to keep fighting with me through the tears. Also: I also have a cooly rational husband during an argument, so irritating!
I have the same kind of husband!! Drives me insane! :)
I’m a cryer, too!
I just walk away. In my last relationship it felt like my boyfriend was the chick and I was the guy. He’d get all pissed off and I would just get my keys or put on my running shoes and leave. We eventually broke up and I know in my next relationship I’m going to have to change somehow. But let me tell you in those walks/drives, I felt such a relief, totally clear headed.
That is probably a good way to fight in many ways. Walking away and clearing your head is better than calling someone an asshole and things you don’t (or you do) mean.
O.M.G. and I just remembered…he would cry. And i know they were genuine tears because he was the one fighting for our relationship, but i just felt like “real men don’t cry” and one time i told him “oh please, you’re gonna cry again?!” after that he never cried again and became really mean. i think in our last argument he even said, “god damnit, i’m so upset and i can’t even cry because you’ll think i’m a pussy.” THE END. I make a horrible girlfriend :/
HAAAAAA!
I’m pretty much the same way…. just more drawn out. I let him say what he wants to say and then I always end up crying and THEN I leave and I think about everything he said for hours on end! I build up what I want to say when I get home and when I get there I just freeze and end up going to bed.
I’m…mean. Really mean. I’m working on it. Also, nothing is ever, ever, ever my fault. EVER.
EVER.
OMG. Me, too. I am never wrong. And I am really mean. I’m actually surprised he still lives with me.
I’m never wrong. Makes my life easier.
doesn’t it? :)
I’m a cryer and my boyfriend uses faulty logic to make his point. Unfortunately, at the time I’m so angry at myself for crying that while I know his reasoning is crap, I can’t figure out WHY his reasoning is crap, which only makes me more frustrated and leads to more crying. I usually end up walking away and going for a walk/reading a book in another room until he attempts to make peace. And then I’m a terrible person and let him suffer for another half hour listening to my sniffles until I decide I’m ready to forgive him.
I am horrible and coming across like a logical individual when I am upset. I totally get you. I just cry and pout and can’t put my thoughts into words.
Allison, it looks like you and I went to the same school of fighting…maybe an L-town thing :-).
As a matter of fact, just yesterday I told my wonderful husband that he should be more vocal, tell me what is on his mind. Well he did just that and I wouldn’t say I got all crazy, but I did not like it much. I rolled my eyes a bit, had to have a rebuttal for everything. Basically, I have to have the last word. I stayed calm, but it a whole lot to do that. Granted, I am the one that thought of the suggestion :-).
The good news is that both your husband and mine must loves us very much if they keep putting up with our juvenile tactics :-). XOXOX
Arguments in my house are so easy because he is just so inarticulate. Even when he knows I’m wrong, he won’t even try. I almost feel bad for him sometimes, not enough to change though. Obviously I am also 12 years old.
LOL!
I am a talker and want to fix everything NOW. I hate disagreements. But the last thing the bf wants to do is talk if he’s upset. So, I have to give him time to cool down and then he has to suck it up and talk to me so I don’t stew and get angry or feel bad.
same here! Its hard for me to wait and talk it out!
I grew up fighting with my dad. A lot. And in the middle of one fight (a few years ago) my husband, who is much quieter than I, looked at me sadly and said “You fight like your dad.” Which took me back, b/c I HATE the way my dad fights – you can’t get a word in edgewise, and he is. always. right. No matter what. And you end up giving up and feeling resentful. Fighting in that style is not conducive to a harmonious relationship. So now, my husband and I try to talk things out, and it helps if we address things right away. (I could never be one of those “stiff upper lip” types.) The upside is that, for the last few years, we’ve only had one really bad, screaming fight that I can remember. But I’ve also had to learn to “agree to disagree”, which was a hard lesson for me, as I, too, am always right. :)
But on the occasions when I really want to rant-fight? I’ll call my dad and pick a fight about politics :)
We fight the way we learn to fight! I fight like my mom!
I don’t currently have a significant other, but I’m the calm, cool, collected type in a fight. Which is funny (as in strange) because I have a fiery Irish temper. I’ve learned though that if you let the other person run off at the mouth he’ll usually hang himself.
so true. I envy this!
I’m totally illogical. I have a short temper, a quick fuse and only a handful of programed responses for whatever he may have in store for that particular argument. If he pulls something I’m not prepared for, I will totally go for the, “No, YOU’RE stupid!” And then walk away like a defeated toddler only to hear him laughing in the background, completely aware of his victory.
David is a “yeah, you’re right” ‘er, but he never means it and that makes me even more mad because you can’t argue with someone that is all agreeing with you even though you know they don’t mean it. Obviously that makes me the “logical arguer”. What that really means is that I just like to be right.
OMG THAT IS SO FRUSTRATING!
Do you live in my house? This sounds EXACTLY like my fiance and I. While it’s nice to know that our fighting style is not abnormal, I, too, should work on adopting a cool-down mantra. Or maybe I’ll just steal yours. Is that cheating?
you can totally use my nacho mantra!! I’d be honored :)
I am mean, never wrong and like throw blame. My husband is the same, my kids are super lucky.
I tend to get defensive at the drop of a hat, with no real reason…in fact I am really good at that. I want to finish the fight and talk it out and get it overwith. The BF wants to take 3 days with no talking…then talk it out for 4 minutes. I cannot take those 3 days! I want it overwith!
same here. I can’t sit around and not talk about it. never have been able to handle arguments this way! xoxo
I shut down, my husband is actually the one who gets super defensive and goes off. as someone who responds the same way my husband does, how would you recommend non defensive spouses handle defensive spouses? I would love some tips!!
im with you shutting down
I get more defensive when he shuts down. I guess I feel rejected or something. I tend to fight much more rationally when he sits down and wants to talk things out. Or like, “I love you baby and this is how I feel”…or like “you have a fine ass, can we talk about this…”
xoxo
I walk away. I learned its not beneficial to argue with an unreasonable person. Also it keeps me from saying something the other person will regret because I don’t apologize and if I say it I mean it completely. A few hours later or maybe a week later if you want to talk about it calmly we can but it’s much better than the screaming match that can occur that I aquired from my mother.
ya how do you do that? that’s the question. by the time i calm down i total forget everything i wanted to say. stuck for sure.
I am a yeller. I scream, holler, cuss, and then calm down.
He “gets” my passion.
Hopefully.
Noooooo, YOU?
Really? You have picked up on that?
My relationship fighting style is…oh, wait, I’m not in a relationship so there’s no fighting! :)
I grew up with a mother whose fighting style was to give the silent treatment until she was good and done being mad (read: 7 days MINIMUM). Partner that with a guy who shuts down like the proverbial brick wall, and I end up harping at him and harping at him until he’s FORCED to talk to me. I make a concerted effort not to call names, hurl insults, or dredge up the past, but I’m prone to raising my voice, cursing, and crying (I’m another one where ANY emotion = tears, especially anger/frustration/fear).
I’m not proud of it, but I’m working on it.
i can’t handle the silent treatment. kills me. and yes, I cry about everything, too. xoxo
i am in the same dilema, i don’t know how to fight and live through it. i like your husband, clam up. i keep all my feeling inside until one day, the beer is cold and all hell breaks loose but it is not to say that i m violent just that it seems to come out easier. sad to say at this moment i am dealing with an issue that i have yet to vent out with my partner and don’t know how. so we live right now, in the zone of nowhere, it is eating me up inside and i have tried so hard to let out my feelings with no luck. thanks so much for sharing this with the world i really needed it.
mmmm, cold beer. ;)
Thank YOU so much for reading and sharing with me. Its so hard to express oneself. Its a really vulnerable position to be in….and I think, at least in my case, that we fear being judged. I have found it better to let it all out even if it gets sticky and ugly and full of yelling and tears, than to keep it inside.
so much luck and love to you.
xoxoxo
I used to be so bad a confrontation, I’d admit defeat sooner than clash with someone. Being married has changed that. Sometimes I yell. Sometimes he stays reasonable and then I feel bad for yelling. Other times, he yells back, I storm off on my own and we regroup and discuss later, minus the yelling. It seems to work for us, and it sure beats the avoidance tactic, which never solved anything and left me feeling more angry and upset with myself.
Totally. Avoidance is a recipe for disaster!!
Thanks for sharing :)
xoxoxo
I tend to let things slide….but then they build up and I finally blow my top. Usually some insignificant little thing is what ends up being what I blow up over. I rant and rave and if someone argues back it just adds fuel to the fire. Unlike all my past boyfriends though, Chad just let’s me rant and ave away. He just let’s me get it all out…and then it’s over. A match made in heaven! Lol.
I’ve calmed down quite a bit. I used to be an insane, jealous, insecure screamer, but not so much anymore. I try, very hard, not to sling dirt (not that I don’t think those mean and nasty thoughts, because I do, I just don’t say them) and try to convey “I” messages. (Therapy helped!)
If it is a really big fight, I will raise my voice, but I’m much better about what I say. Also, if it’s a really big fight, I will cry. I’ve done that since childhood. If I’m really angry, I cry. But, I’ve always told my boyfriends that we need to fight it out, despite the tears.
Unfortunately, I’ve mostly swung the other way. A lot of guys don’t realize that what I’m telling them is very important and possibly a relationship-ending issue, because I speak in normal tones. I’ve actually broken up with a few guys for not doing what I needed, after repeatedly telling them. One boyfriend actually told me what was going on – that he couldn’t “hear” me, because I wasn’t emphasizing what was important. That little tidbit of information has helped my relationships, tremendously!
So, now I’m working on: A) either making sure that I let them know the importance of what I’m saying, by saying to them “Okay, you really need to listen, this is very important. This is a very serious issue.”; or B) yelling about it.
LOL
Great! The wife and I have had our EPic Battles one too many times, I think! For the Most part I think we are both alike and nobody wants to admit they were wrong. So FIght to the death it is! Well thats untill She either just decides to play the Silent treatment or I say Im going Fishing! Like she is going to believe that @ 2 in the morn lol.. Anyhow I think you are right we all have to learn to not take it so personal! lol I love the whole ” I am not the Nacho! ” lol..
You make me laugh. Every – single – time.
LOL!
Ok – what type am I?
The type that IMMEDIATELY takes the “I can take you!” stance.
I wish I was the warm and fuzzy I’m sorry and you’re right girl…
Thank you so much! You made my day :)
XOXO
xo
Sometimes, while thinking about my new marriage of only 3 months, I ask myself, what did I get myself into? I’m American, he’s Middle-Eastern, and I’m currently living in his country (wait for it…) at his Mom and Dad’s house, with his brothers and sisters. Yeah, I know… let that one soak in for a minute. So not only am I the “crazy over-reactive American girl who cries ALL THE TIME” (women are still supposed to be seen and not heard over here), not to mention that I can’t hold back expressing my emotions AT ALL, to make matters worse his family gets a front row seat to every fight (walls are pretty thin).
As for fighting styles, he’s a “memorizer”, I swear the man can remember details of things that were said from 2 years ago that only a tape recorder could really recount if in fact were true or not. So while I’m sobbing my eyes out and completely incapable of voicing my feelings, he throws at me things that I apparently said in June of 2009. How am I supposed to compete with that? I can’t refute or confirm such a thing when I’m calm and collected, how do I deal with that when I’m a snotty mess of rage and sadness? Its almost like watching a sitcom, if you take yourself out of the madness that is.
Thank you for the nacho reference. Apparently, I too am way to defensive over stupid things. I’ve been trying to work on fighting better, but I find that my emotions ALWAYS just get the better of me. He’s getting to the point where he can’t stand the crying anymore. I just need to learn I suppose.
We can’t think of any relationship in which fights don’t take place. Fights take place when two people do not agree on a common decision, thought, action or choice of words of their partner. Remember by setting a few rules of fighting, you are deciding the dos and don’ts of fights. For example.. http://howrelationshipswork.blogspot.com/2011/05/rules-of-fighting.html
I wuld have to agree 100% with this article. When I get into a fight with my boyfriend I usually go hard with the “meaness.” Then when my hot head cools down I tend to feel really bad about what I said. i keep telling him if he would just argue a little with me Lol it would relax that but Im getting better
I have a couple fighting styles.
1.) I am a defensive yeller. My voice will continue to get louder and louder as I get more angry/upset.
2.) If something in particular hurts my feelings I go all “F$&K YOU!” and ignore him for a while.
3.) and finally, I’ll do the “I’m fine, can we just stop talking about this now” “no, seriously, I’m fine.” “JESUS CHRIST, I told you that I’m FINNNNNE- Leave me the hell alone!!”
Usually, all three of these take place every. single. fight.
Oh yeah, I’m also a cryer. at everything.
I hate the way me and my boyfriend argue. It’s actually very frusterating and makes me say things like, ” THATS IT! IM DONE WITH YOU ” or ” I HATE YOU! ” ” YOUR SO MEAN ” and I to am a huge pouter. I cry like a baby after I’m done arguing. Sometimes I argue and cry at the same time and he usually just never admits hes in the wrong. Hes the same as me when we argue. We both want to have the last say and we both wont stop unless we are the one who is in the right. I hate it because I wish he was more understanding because it is so difficult to be with a guy that has the same arguing skill as you. One time in an argument he told me to fuck off. He promised he wouldn’t say it again and then he said it a second time, I’m hoping its the last. I also said things like ” I don’t love you anymore! ” and he gets pissed when I say that. We both say hurtful things. Like right now we are in an argument because I wanted to make a special night for the two of us and stay the night at his place but he said ” not tonight ” So I became a big baby at first and cried and he felt so bad then I started getting mad and blew up at him and then we both started arguing, I was all like ” IM DONE WITH YOU! ” and hes like ” good im done with your crap, im done with you accusing me that i have a bad attitude and that i never make you feel special! ” he then walked me home but i didnt want him walking me home so i said ” well you can walk with me all you want but you can walk way ahead of me cause im done with you ” and so he walked way ahead, (it was at night time ) so I lost track of where he went then he pops out of no where saying ” I know I screw up all the time, im sorry ” at that point i was so excitecd inside because I got to be right once again lol but i said,” just go home, I need space! ” so he did and haven’ talked to him since last night when that happened. Thats our arguing style.
I am definitely a cryer because I am very emotional, which (even if I am in the wrong) my boyfriend apologizes and says “even tho I’m hurt, it hurts me more to see you cry”. This snaps me out of crying, I try to regain my composer and we discuss our feelings and speak rationally but with great compassion… eventually we work it out. Sometimes it takes a long time to deal with one issue (the longest so far was 3 months) but we eventually over come it. Don’t get me wrong we have disagreements and fights… its not all roses lol! But even when we are both hurt and upset we both know and trust that our love is stronger.