The Reality of Being the Breadwinner of the Household
I grew up in what was long ago once deemed a “conventional” household: Mom stayed at home, Dad worked like a horse 6 days a week. My mother never managed the money, nor paid any bills. My Dad took care of the finances, but hardly did any of the parenting.
From a very young age I knew that wasn’t what I wanted for my own family. I wanted to be a breadwinner, I didn’t want to have to rely on anyone but myself. I always felt that financial freedom came with education. I still feel that way.
I went to college (first in my family), got my degree and was lucky enough to land wonderful positions in amazing companies. As I started moving up the career ladder, it seemed as though my husband was lagging behind.
My husband never had the opportunity to get an education. He dropped out of high school after his mother died suddenly and never looked back. When we started dating, he told me of his dream to go back to school and get a degree in Engineering. This was not an easy task for anyone, let alone a high-school dropout. He sat for hours a day and earned his GED. He began remedial courses and was accepted into a community college.
When I became pregnant his education took a back seat; someone needed to stay home to take care of our infant twin daughters. And so began our role reversals. I am a full-time working Mom, and my husband is a stay-at-home Dad (who also happens to be a college student by day).
Our role reversal has become a norm in society, as more and more fathers are choosing to stay home to care for their children, while mothers are quickly becoming the primary breadwinners. This new kind of family is called “Breadwinner Wives,” and is defined by women who make more money than their husbands. My husband comes from a very conservative, old-fashioned family and I would be lying if I said that I don’t feel like they secretly judge me or him for our choices. I can see the judgement in their eyes when I am not there to tuck my kids in for bed, or when my husband spends time studying as opposed to bringing home the bacon.
Personally, I think that my daughters are lucky to have their father around full time. I rarely spent any quality time with my father growing up. I am secretly glad that it turned out this way as my husband has more patience than I do when it comes to child rearing.
It’s not always sunshine and rainbows though. We fight about money all the time, and there never seems to be enough when there is only one income. Resentment bubbles to the surface often. I become angry when my husband tries to dictate what my spending habbits should be, since, after all, I am the one working. I also get bothered that when I return home from a 12-hour day my house is usually a filthy mess. That means that my “second shift” starts upon my return from work. I really never envisioned having to be the one that brings home the bacon, cooks it and then cleans up the pan (of course this is just my experience, not all husbands are as sloth-like as mine).
On the other hand, my husband becomes upset that I don’t spend as much quality time with the kids, and that he is their primary caretaker for 90% of the day (a work load that we all know is NOT an easy one). I’m sure he also does not appreciate my nagging that the house looks like it exploded after a long day of school and child rearing.
If you find yourself the breadwinner of your household, there are certain topics that you and your spouse should avoid fighting about at all costs:
- Who brings home the money
- Who spends more time with the kids
- Why the other person isn’t doing enough or as much as you are
What you should do is:
- Clearly establish your roles and expectations from one another early on.
- Cut yourself some slack. No one, even women and mothers, can do it all. I mean, we can do a lot to a certain extent- but we must stop feeling guilty when something falls short. Something will always fall short (Just look at how filthy my oven is).
- Cut your partner some slack—he, too, is not Superman. He cannot do it all either without something falling short (usually hygiene) .
Remember, you are both pulling your weight, whether it be at work or child rearing. You are both doing a very good job and both of your halfs make a whole. And at the end of the day, isn’t that what families are all about?
Photo courtesy of Slate.com
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Maya Assis is a Marketing Manager at a children's licensing agency, and a full time working mother to twin girls (no they are not identical). She loves fashion, cooking, and eating dinner while watching TV on her laptop in bed. A native New Yorker, Maya moved to Israel in 2010 to be closer to her extended family and raise her children on a farm. On most days Maya can be found taming her wild "Jew- Fro", riding herself of unwanted body hair, or hiding under the table so that her girls don’t find her. 
I’m currently the breadwinner, but we’ve switched back and forth. When I was in school, my husband worked, now that he’s in school I work. We often fight over who has more time to go do the annoying crap that it takes to have small children and keep them fed. We usually are just both frustrated and stressed and once we admit that it goes smooth again. Giving each other slack and being very clear when we’re headed to our individual breaking points has really been the key to staying sane.
I totally agree Mackenzie!
Just recently my husband and I decided that pointing blame will just NOT WORK. We do two different and equally hard jobs. It’s very important to talk about what bothers you before little jabs become the norm.
We have a similar story and lifestyle. We’re both still working on our degrees, and he has part-time work as a high school coach and musician, but mostly he’s a SAHD.
Anytime there’s a crisis, it’s his work or class that gets pushed aside, and I keep working. This means his degree is taking forever and he has spotty work history – not great for getting a job, especially when there are more experienced candidates devoting themselves full-time to competing for a job. Fortunately, I’ve found a career and my salary and benefits take care of us.
Money is always tight and we’ve definitely felt judged. He hates being seen as not “doing” anything – though if it was me at home, people would probably not blink an eye. Our kids have had the benefit of a parent at home for most of their lives though, so we’re glad about that. Having said that, we do both look forward to his graduation and future earnings.
I look forward to my husband’s future earnings as well!!
SOME BREATHING ROOM!
I hate that men are judged as not doing anything when they are home with the kids, when we all know that is the HARDEST job in the world.
We have also gone back and forth. My husband was in his final year of nursing school the year after boyo was born, so he went to class and was a SAHD while I worked full-time. I actually didn’t mind it so much. Then we moved, and I was totally burnt out from my job, so he was the full-time worker, and I was the SAHM. I loved being with boyo, but was so incredibly bored that after about 3 mos., I was begging for a part time job. And my husband felt like he was missing out on watching boyo grow up, and he didn’t like that. So now, we’ve reached a compromise. Starting this weekend, actually, my husband is working double shifts on Saturday and Sunday, and has M-F off. I’m working part time M-F. We’ve discussed the new division of household labor, but mainly, I’m excited about this new turn of events. When I was young, my mom was SAHM and when she did work, she and my dad worked opposite shifts. As a result, I spent lots of time with both parents when I was young, and I really want the same for boyo. As I’m writing this, my husband and son are playing some game they made up in the living room, and I’m hearing shrieks of laughter and delight. I feel very fortunate that we’ve been able to create this sort of schedule for ourselves.
that sounds perfect!!! Being able to each have your own time with the kids!! Enjoy this time- so important for you all!
My husband is SAHD and I am the breadwinner. It’s a tough situation for both of us. When our first daughter was born, my husband was SAHD and worked as a waiter at night a few days a week. After about 2 years, he went back to work during the day in corporate america, she went to daycare. Upon the birth of our twins, he was SAHD again. Daycare would have cost more than we brought home together. It’s tough financially but it works for us. He does all the at home chores/cleaning. We share responsibilities at night. Weekends are pretty much me because that’s when I catch up with my girls. We are both doing our best but we do have the same arguments you mentioned above. We also agreed to discuss the situation every 6 months to make sure we are still individually happy. After 7 years of this, we have a great routine and only the occasional “you don’t appreciate what I do” tiff. Not bad, I’d say.
Not bad at all!!! Sounds great to reasses the situation every 6 months!!
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My husband is a SAHD with short hours on Saturday. He is also our daughter’s main at home teacher for her online public schooling. We get so much crap for him not having a job that takes care of his family. I am just glad I don’t have to deal with all of the day to day (hour to hour) stuff for school and what not. I wish people would do a mental role reversal in their heads before they decide it is their place to talk smack about something that works for us. I would obviously like more money so that I didn’t have to deal with figuring out what gets cut every month, but I would also like to not have to defend our choices at every turn.
Also, (and I realize you aren’t asking for advice anymore than I am) would it work for the two of you to sort of switch roles after daytime hours? Where you would get to hang with the kids while he had a chance to pick up, cook & shower?
Hi Daisy!
Well, sadly by the time I get home from work my girls are fast asleep so I have no time to spend with them. He is usually pooped by then so he doesnt clean up or cook- so of course, it all falls on mama!!
Great article. I shared it on Dignity Zine’s Facebook page.
I’m the breadwinner in our family. My husband’s in school (for Engineering, also) and graduates in a little over a year. It’s frustrating and difficult at time, but the light is at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully he’ll get a great job when he graduates, maybe we can get out of our condo, work on Baby #2, and I can work part-time this time. Switch it around a bit.
oh Amy- soul sister!
My husband has 3 more years to go, I did tell him though that Baby #3 will hapen sometime during his final year- because I am not getting any younger!
I’m the primary breadwinner in my house too. My husband is an artist & illustrator, so he does the WAHD thing. Which, you know, is super tough with a toddler.
We definitely have had fights over who has it harder, who does what, who gets the most grief. I’ve been jealous of his time with our son and he’s been jealous of my time to focus on my career. (he’s worked from home since before our son was born, but it’s REALLY hard to have a full time art business when you have a young child). I’ve had to bite my tongue more times than I can count when he starts lecturing me about spending money and he’s had to humble himself to ask me to move money into his account. And those are just the tips of the iceberg.
But this works for our family. I have my career, and it does a damn fine job of paying the bills. I wish there were more hours in the day so he could focus on his career as much as he wanted, but until our son is in school full time, we’re doing the best we can.
It’s a weird role reversal in society, but it feels normal to us. He’s not cut out for a 9-5 job, and I’ve worked hard to build my career. This is what works for our family. It’s hard, but it is what it is.
I totally needed this little reminder. I work full-time, although 50% from home. I have 2 little girls. And my husband works, A LOT. I find myself getting very judgemental towards him and angry that he doesn’t spend time with us. And when he comes home and is tired and NEEDS to go to bed, I allow our 2 year old to guilt him into spending a hour putting her to bed. Sometimes, I need to remember that he works hard too. And it isn’t always his choice. Those rules apply no matter who the breadwinner is:)
I also need the constant reminder that we all work super hard, just in diff ways.
It started out that we had a “normal” family.. Dad was in construction and Mom stayed home. Then my Dad had an illness and had to stay home for awhile. It turned into a permanent situation for our family. I am now in my 40′s and back when it was very rare for a man to stay home… Frowned upon if you will… My Dad did. He cut coupons, cleaned the house and did the laundry and our favorite thing.. the cooking. He made the one income budget so we never went without. It was a great balance. My mom worked outside of the home and they made it work. My parents are both retired now and when I have conversations with people about what my parents did for a living or ask if I have a favorite recipe from my Mom… I always laugh and say no way, we would have STARVED as children if it wasn’t for my DAD. Your blog brought back memories for me and a great smile this morning, because I am who I am because My MOM was the breadwinner and DAD stayed home. THANK YOU!
You are so welcome!! thank you for making me feel less guilty about not being the one to take care of the kids all day!
I don’t think that word means what you think it means.
Amusing- Aint it? ;)
Yay, Maya! I love seeing you on CGG.