Help Me Get a Date. Please.
Tips, advice, success stories, warnings…I need them.
My name is Greis, I’m almost 33 and I’ve never been in a “real” relationship. Yes, I’ve had the occasional boy that’s a friend or a date here and there, but a relationship? Nope, never had one. Crazy, right?
Dating has always been a tough subject for me. In high school I was the overweight girl with self esteem issues. I had many crushes, and lusted after many boys, but they never reciprocated the feeling. I stood by and watched as friends and classmates dated, broke up and dated some more, all the while I was always single and wondering what was wrong with me.
I went off to college and thought my dating life would take a turn for the better, but it never did. I went on the occasional date, but for the most part I was always the single friend, the third-wheel while out at the clubs with friends and their dates. It was awkward being the third-wheel and I’d frequently turn down invites to tag along as to not impose. I hated the pity invite.
As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized that there was definitely something wrong with me in the past. I’ve never been a confident woman and I’ve always had my fair share of self-esteem issues and I believe that this radiated out into the world. How can a man like you when you don’t even like yourself? Deep thoughts, I have them.
For years I have embraced my single life. I enjoy doing what I want when I want and not having to check-in with anyone. Being single, it’s what I know. It’s what I’m good at. I came to terms, years ago, with the fact that I might be single forever and I’m okay with that. Or, I thought I was.
Recently, since losing weight and becoming more confident with myself and my body, I’ve noticed that I think about relationships more often. I want to get out there and meet new people and go out on dates, but how do I do that? Where do I even begin? I’ve been “not dating” for so long that I think I may have forgotten how it works.
Where do I start?
How do I meet nice datable men?
How young is too young? (Is dating a 25 year old even acceptable…or is that too young for me?)
I have so many questions, and I need your help to get me back in the game!
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Greis (pronounced Grace) is a single, 30 something, Texas girl with an iPhone addiction. She loves her hometown Houston sports teams, Astros Baseball & Texans Football! When she's not working as an inside sales analyst for a local manufacturing company, you can usually find her on the internet, watching trashy reality television or snuggling her niece, Audrey. In her spare time she enjoys a good chick flick, reading teenage vampire books (the sparkly kind) and dreaming about what life will be like when she finally wins the lottery. 
I don’t have any advice because I’m in a similar boat. I’m 23 and have only ever been on one date. I’ve been okay with it for a while but I’m not anymore. I’m going to be checking back for some of the advice given here as well! Thank you for sharing!!
Good luck to you too!
Liz, my advice to you is that you’re young. Enjoy your youth. Go out with your friends on the weekends. Go to happy hours at restaurant/bars close to where you work. Go to sporting events or alumni events at your alma mater. I even had a friend take to facebook to ask her friends to set her up with a nice guy. And yes, try online dating. If you live in a metropolitan area, your chances of meeting some nice, interesting men online are better than if you live in a smaller town.
The problem isn’t going to be meeting men. The problem is meeting the right man. In the meantime, don’t say no to new opportunities.
In my book, age is just a number. If you meet someone who is 25, mature, headed in the right direction and good to you then absolutely go for it!
Being in a ton of relationships let me just tell you it is not all it is cracked up to be. I also grew up with self esteem issues and ended up in the wrong crowds looking for acceptance. About 10 years ago I looked in the mirror one day and had an epiphany. I said I am who I am, I look how I look and that is just the way it is. I stopped caring what people thought about me. That was my biggest transformation. If you don’t love me for me, then you don’t get me. Plain and Simple. I am a little overweight and could stand to lose a few pounds but I feel good about myself. Feeling good about yourself is the biggest confidence booster.
Walk into a club with a few friends for a girls night and OWN the club. Walk in strutting your stuff, let you friends catch the looks that are going your way. Be dangerous! Walk up to someone you think is attractive and strike up a conversation. It may not lead to something but you sister had the balls to do it! If you get turned down, stand up brush yourself off and on to the next!
You can also try online dating. I have tried Plenty of Fish. It is free, but that being said, not the best quality of guys. I have 4 friends that have met and are either engaged or married to people they have met on Match.com. If you can afford it and are willing to take the effort, fill out all the questionnaires and who knows maybe Mr. right is just a click away.
They main thing, know that all dates are not going to well. There will be some that you look at yourself like what the hell was I thinking, but somewhere in between all those bad dates you might just find someone that makes you swoon.
Just have fun with it. Don’t let it get you down!
I may try my hand at the online thing again.
Do it! I have had several friends meet their spouse online and (so far) they’ve all been great matches!
Date whatever age guy you feel comfortable with! I was never one for relationships, because I loved being able to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I had boyfriends, but I didn’t really want to get married or be involved with anyone seriously. Then one day a friend and I decided to post profiles on an online dating page (we MIGHT have been a wee bit tipsy). I ended up going on dates with a few really fabulous guys, and was surprised by the interesting men I met during the whole process. There was one guy, in particular, that I really clicked with.
We chatted online and on the phone for a few weeks, and finally met for our first date. Three years after that we got married, and next spring will be our 7th wedding anniversary. We have two kids and a dog and a cat!
Wow, what a great story. I’ve always heard good things about some online dating sites. Yay for 2 kids a dog and a cat!
When you figure it out….will you fill me in?
Yes, yes I will!
I met my husband via a friend of a friend. The guy I dated before my husband was the brother of a friend of a friend. Let your circle of friends know that you’re interested in expanding your horizons and see what happens. Also, I have a friend who met her husband on match.com. And just be open in general: another friend met her husband when she was working at a convenience store. He would always stop in on his way to work. They started talking, then flirting, and now they’ve been married for 7 (I think) years and have one kid.
I don’t have a big group of friends that can help, other than my online family, but I have been opening myself up a little more as of late.
Thanks for reading and your advice!
Maybe you should try to expand your social circles in general, not just on the dating front. Invite a co-worker out for a drink after work. Introduce yourself to the woman you see at the gym all the time, but don’t know her name. You never know when you could meet a great new friend. You just need to open yourself up to it. And growing your circle of friends will introduce you to more social opportunities.
As for meeting men specifically, as I commented to someone else, I’ve found online dating is more successful when you live in a larger metropolitan area. But really, just GO places. Not to meet guys, but just to have fun. When you’re having a good time, you’re more open and approachable. Go places and do things you enjoy doing. Do you like sports? Sporting events create an immediate sense of camraderie among fans. And you can meet a lot of great people just wandering around to tailgates. If you’re into music, go to concerts for new acts who perform in small bars. That’ll present you with a better atmosphere to talk to people you meet there.
All that being said, you said something in your article that bothered me immensely. You said you realize there was something wrong with you when you were younger. Read these words and make them your new mantra. There is NOTHING wrong with you. There has NEVER been anything wrong with you. You are you. And in the whole world there is no one like you. That makes you unique and beautiful. And the right person will appreciate how unique and beautiful you are.
Dating is hard. Trust me, I’m 32 and single. I know. It’s hard for everyone. It can make even the most self-assured person question herself and think there’s something wrong with her. There will be times you doubt yourself. When you wonder why not you. You will think there’s something wrong with you. When this happens, repeat your mantra. And if all else fails, you can email me. I am awesome at pep talks.
You do give awesome pep talks. Thanks!!
Try a dating website – okcupid is free and combines the freedom of match.com (find your own potential dudes (or gals), with the personality matching of eharmony – and the freedom of not paying to be bummed out by those two.
Be smart (don’t give out your Identifying info and address to strangers), but don’t be TOO cautious. You’ll likely get some bad-date stories, but you may also get some real wins.
(I may be biased, I literally stumbled across Mr. In-My-Dreams and I’m getting married to him New Years Eve). (but see: it works). (also: I have some awesome bad date stories from the years prior) (I went out on dates with a few guys in the last few years, but for most of my life I’ve been the un-dated one).
I’ve tried a few dating sites in the past…they sort of creep me out. I may have to give them another chance.
oh, hey, my iPhone sister – okcupid has an app.
match.com does too!
This is PROBABLY the biggest cliche ever, but in the movie Must Love Dogs (ok fine, it sucked, but dude, JOHN CUSACK HELLO!?) she did something that I remember thinking, huh…well that’s smart.
She put up her profile and went on TONS of dates, with the most random men, guys who she initially would have written off immediately, and even though none of them worked out, it really helped her learn WHAT she actually wanted. Which really, is the most important question.
Sometimes you just have to try lots of different things to realize what you ACTUALLY want.
Dating should be a fun experience for you, and if that means it’s only a learning experience, so be it. You are that much closer to realizing who you are, and what’s compatible to you.
You might even end up surprised.
I dated LOADS of boys I thought I loved, and literally avoided this shy, kinda dorky, never had a girlfriend before guy for like a year. Then one day, I finally gave him a chance.
And now, I am married to him. Polar opposites.
But took trying it on for size to realize it fit.
Love you, girl!
I’m willing to give chances. And I hope to have fun.
Love you too!
I completely agree with this. I may not have meant the perfect guy for me with online dating but had such a great time and was able to really figure out what I wanted and what I needed. I know now from the multiple guys I dated that I absolutely needed a guy with a sense of humor. I dated some great guys but knew after a date or two whether it would work or not. If you’re not having fun with dating you’re not going out with the right guys. I do still miss having the great stories to tell my friends about my dates :).
Oh, my friends look forward to the stories the most.
I’m not 100% sure what I’m looking for in a guy, but I know (or I think I know) that I will figure it out when I meet him!
Exactly this. I did Match off and on throughout my 20s and never met anyone all that amazing- BUT I learned so very much about what kind of person I was looking for. Plus, I had quite a bit of fun and got some great stories out of it (Oh! the stories!). The act of putting yourself out there is a big deal- being genuine is your biggest advantage. xoxo
I have definitely opened myself up more in the past few months/weeks. My friends are definitely looking forward to some good stories.
Hoping it all works out.
I met my current boyfriend and love of my life at exercise boot camp. I was at a point in my life where I was focusing on myself and resigned to be single and happily so forever. I really do believe in the idea that you’ll meet the man of your dreams when you least expect it but you have to put yourself in situations that will allow you to meet new people. I went to boot camp to get out of my comfort zone and get in shape not expecting to meet anyone. A year after doing boot camp together we became friends and have been together ever since. If he likes the way I look at 6:00AM with no makeup on and in workout clothes…then we’re in good shape : ).
I had previously tried Eharmony which allowed me to go on multiple dates with great guys and figure out exactly what kind of man I was looking for. I didn’t have any bad experiences with online dating just never found “the one”. Try online dating, it will be awkward at first but be completely honest about what you’re looking for and see what happens. I also am one that really enjoyed getting dressed up to go on a first date so I had a blast. Good luck!!
So, what you’re saying is I should join a Boot Camp? LOL
What a great story. I’m also all for the he has to like me even when I’m makeup-less and sweaty!
When I was in law school I never went on dates and I was constantly down about it. In retrospect I should have either not cared (and done my own thing, happily) or joined a dating website. I also realized that in law school what I was “putting out there” wasn’t super guy-friendly either…I was fixated on a few things in life and while I had plenty of other interests, I didn’t do a good job of sharing them, and it made me seem hyper-focused, which in turn, isn’t particularly interesting, especially if a great guy doesn’t happen to be remotely into the “things” I seem to care about.
My other piece of advice is not to get too hung up on what you THINK you want or where you are going to find that person. I married (and am madly in love with) my guy friend who made sure I got home safely and always made me laugh.
I feel the need to say: I’m not saying YOU need to not care or join a dating website, I’ve just realized I spent so much time being sad about it I should have done something or moved on. I really did devote waaaay too much time to the idea that I was single. I used to get sad at the end of Grey’s Anatomy becuase at least they had *something* going on in their love lives and it made me feel really alone. Which is a sign that I probably should have done something! HA!
I know exactly what you mean!! I do need to do something, I know that. I have opened myself up a lot more recently, so we’ll see where that may lead!
Could someone just send me Justin Timberlake?
Oh Greis! You are so awesome and I hope you find someone but my BFF is still single too and she HAS been trying so let me tell you, it’s TOUGH. Here’s the bad news, at our age most of the single men our age have issues. They come with tons of baggage. The younger hotter guys are great for a fling but they really are immature. But I firmly believe it’s all in God’s hands and it’s totally possible that just the perfect guy is out there and you’ll find him, you might just have to get some experience with the not-so-perfect ones first. Wish I knew someone to set you up with around here but I don’t think I do. I’ll keep my eye out though. I’m a big fan of online dating, especially eHarmony.
It is tough, I know that. There has to be some sort of middle ground. I know there have to be some nice guys still out there. :)
I’m 43 now but your story was mine for years- literally. I could have written your story myself. I’m even a Texan and love the Astros too! Anyway, I did what so many of the other ladies here did- I signed up for an online dating site. I went on lots of dates, but never had any real relationships- nothing that lasted more than a couple of months or so. Then I met the right one, after a couple of years of online dating. We’ve been together almost 5 years now and married for 3. I was 40 when I got married. It just wasn’t my time before that.
Yay for fellow Texans! Yay for ASTROS fans!
After all of these comments I’m totally going to re-join a dating site. I’m going to give it another shot.
your confidence in yourself is the best accessory that you can have for this adventure. men love confidence. it also sounds like you’ll be able to find a guy that you have things in common with, with your love of sports. online dating is an option, but don’t discount the “fate” meeting on a silly old Tuesday at a grocery store, or other place you don’t think you’d meet someone. I agree with Brittany that you should go on dates to figure out what you want. and don’t get discouraged! good luck greis :) i’m rooting for you!
Thanks for the encouragement. I do love sports and hope that might be a good starting point!
I just wanted to say that if you meet a younger man, and it feels right – go for it. I met my fiancé via a blog I write for, and we got to know each other on Twitter, then by email and eventually met in person (we were in a LDR for a year before we finally managed to get into the same city). He’s 24, I’m 32. And it just works. I don’t care about his age, and he doesn’t care about mine.
I don’t have any issues with younger guys, was just trying to get a feel for what is “right”. Does that make sense? It’s these kinds of questions that plague me daily! Thanks for your comment and good luck to you too!
I agree with most posters — expand your social circle. After college, it’s hard to meet friends (the in the flesh kind especially that live just around the corner) much less meet guys. I was in a horrible relationship (off and on with him cheating on me constantly) for 9+ years. I finally ended it by moving to a new city, several hundred miles away. He having a baby with someone else was just the cherry on top of the sundae of my life at that time. Anyway, I started eHarmony and three months later met my now husband. I was open minded about the dating experience. I wanted to meet new people – that was my goal and it worked. I wish you the very best of luck in love and I truly believe there is someone out there for everyone — it just might not be in the package you think it will be in.
I’ve been trying to expand my circles. I’m taking baby steps. It’s hard! Thanks for your suggestions and advice. Appreciate you reading and commenting.
Greis, you’ve always been beautiful, long before you lost weight. You are a wonderful person and any guy would be blessed to have you. You’re going to find that most guys out there are worthless. WORTHLESS! Don’t let it discourage you, and don’t let it make you think it has something to do with you.
I don’t think it’s a problem to date a guy in his mid to late 20′s. In my 20′s I identified more with women in their 30′s because the girls my age that I dated didn’t have their priorities straight. As a matter of fact, Shanna is younger than I but when we met I felt like I was dating someone older and more mature. I felt at home with her, and I felt like I could be a man around her.
The great guys I know that are single don’t go out to bars and clubs very often, if at all. They’re not interested in meeting women in places like that anyway. The do go to work related functions (i.e. conventions), which is an easy low-risk way to meet new people (that you don’t work with) because it’s easy to keep things professional with no pressure (there’s no rejection). Some of them will go to church but it is very hard for a guy to ask a woman out at church. It’s a small pond and he has to be very careful about how people perceive him. One bad breakup and he might never get a date there again. When I was single I used to meet women in grocery stores all the time. I think that’s not a bad place, plus you get a window into their life, look in their cart. Of course, the best way to meet people is through friends, and Shanna an I will be happy to double with you on dates any time if you’d like.
Ryan, you are the best!!! Shanna is such a lucky girl!
Also, thank you for the sweet reply!
I think it is awesome that you posted about this and I also think it is awesome that you recognized something very important when you mentioned men being unable to like a lady that doesn’t like herself. On the other side, I think it is nearly impossible to be in a healthy and loving relationship if you don’t love yourself (on some level). I am glad you seem to have worked on that!
As far as meeting someone, there are a number of ways. If you are religious, Church can be a great way to meet someone. Also, ask trusted friends. If they know you really well, they might also know of men that you might mesh well with. You don’t have to go the blind date route, but they could arrange a meeting in a group setting that has less pressure.
I won’t knock the bar scene as I and many of my friends met our spouse there in one way or another, but pick your scene wisely as some bars cater to different ages and types (professional vs student).
I never did the online dating thing, but I have heard great things from friends that did. Just be careful how much info you give out and about meeting someone you don’t know somewhere private or at your own house. Something like that might be nice for you because it would give you the chance to practice the art of small talk, flirting, and build up your dating confidence.
Something to remember, all people just want to be liked. Most of the men you will meet will have the same nerves you have and the same worries you have, so don’t knock yourself! You might come across a few jerks, but that isn’t about you at all! Good Luck!
I’m not a big bar/club scene type of girl, so I won’t dog it either, it’s just not my thing. I agree that everyone wants to be liked. Thanks for your advice and for reading.
One more thing, after reading your comments back to other posts.
If you are interested in widening your circle of lady friends, look in to book clubs or other clubs for things you enjoy (sewing, scrap booking, movies) there are tons out there. You might broaden your circle of friends a little that way. Not to keeping pushing Church on you, I do agree with the poster that said guys might be shy about asking a girl out at Church, but a lot of congregations offer social activities for singles in their community. You can also join a Bible Study, life group, women’s group, something like that…it might be all women, but again you’d be widening your social circle. :)
Here’s a question… do you have any trouble recognizing guy’s signals? The only reason I ask is because my BFF has lost about 160lbs in the last couple of years. She had been overweight her whole life and guys were never really interested in her (but she is married). Now she has men coming on to her all the time, but she doesn’t always get it because she just isn’t used to it. Maybe if you go out with a group of friends they can help you watch for those signals being sent your way.
Good point Jennifer. I think I’m pretty receptive to the signals. I’ve noticed a little more interaction from men since I’ve lost the weight. Sometimes I think I may read too much into some signals, or that I’m reading signals all wrong. So, it’s definitely possible that I’m just not sure what to look for yet…or used to it at all!!
Glad you put this out there.
I was in a few longterm relationships until the last one flattened me and I’ve been single for a long, long time. I’m just now to the point where I feel like maybe my life has room for another person. I still have no idea how that’s going to work, obviously, but I’m ready, and that’s something I never thought I’d say again.
You are already doing the “right” things — you go out, you have fun, you embrace life, you travel. That’s the first, big part of it. Now you maybe just have to target it more, socially. (That’s what I’m trying to do, and I’m 40, so who knows what’s out there for me.) Maybe an alumni group? Texans fans. :) (More impetus for me to come down there and go to a game!)
I’ve heard all of the advice and tips for years, and what resonates for me through these comments is that no matter how you approach it practically speaking (online, in person, people you know, total strangers, etc.) it’s most important that you’re open to being surprised and you never compromise the things that have been key to those of us who have lived well, and single, for years. And what I mean by that is what makes you happy, what you enjoy doing, and what makes you feel like you’re most y ourself.
Sorry for rambling. I’m here anytime you want to bounce ideas off of me. Heaven knows I need the help, too. xo. (Maybe Neil Rackers has a brother? ;))
I’m definitely open to whatever might come along. I have no doubt that you will find someone too!! We shall rock this!
I met my partner of almost nine years (and now two kids, car and mortgage) online, so I’d suggest giving that a try. I surfed around a bunch of sites until I found one that had a few guys I thought I could date. I never dated any of the ones I initially found, but I just found that was a good way to find a site that kind of matched me, you know?
Also, I think that women in general (maybe not you!) need to realize that perfection isn’t out there. One of my best friends has been married for close to 20 years now, and her advice to me was “Marriage isn’t about finding someone who is perfect — it’s finding someone whose faults don’t make you completely crazy.” Which I think is right — if you are thinking long-term with someone, eventually even the most awesome person will drive you nuts. There are lots of great people out there, but everyone has baggage. Try not to get hung up on the baggage, and look to the person underneath it. My SO has baggage. So do I. But underneath it he’s a very kind, gentle, loving person who tries his best. Sometimes he fails. But in the most important ways he’s always there for me and our kids.
So. That’s just my two cents. I think in our culture we are so hung up on the perfect package that we miss seeing the wonderfulness in imperfection. :)
And may I just wish you good luck. I’m a shy, introverted person, and I found dating really hard — it generally wasn’t much fun for me. But I found a way to make it work for me and I found someone great, and I hope very much you find the same!
This is great advice. Greis, are you listening? I might add, you are an amazing woman who knows what she wants. Don’t settle, though. The right person will find you eventually, probably when you least expect it. Carry on!
I’m definitely listening! Thanks for the kind words!
Great advice. Thank you!!
I don’t think I’m necessarily hung up on perfect as I am in “right” for me. Does that make sense? :)
Hi, Greis! I absolutely love that you posted this – you’re helping so many of us women to feel less alone in our dating struggles!
I was in a very similar position for a loooooooooong, long long time. I dated, but rarely, and always guys who treated me like absolute garbage. I felt like I was missing that special something that other women had to attract men. It was really hard. I was sure I was a hopeless case.
If I had to credit my success to one thing, it was reading ‘Getting to I Do’ by Dr. Pat Allen. I read it after a breakup with a guy who I let shit on me all the time. It’s not for everyone (it’s SUPER old-fashioned), but it really spoke to me and gave me the tools and confidence I’d been lacking. She discusses a lot of the basic differences between women and men, and it helped me both in attracting guys and conducting myself in relationships. Seven months later I met the love of my life, and we’re getting married in October. He is an absolute dream come true, and so is our relationship.
I’ll echo what the other girls have shared about online dating (I met my fiance on OKcupid). Even if you don’t meet your future hubby there, it is GREAT practice and an awesome way to dip your toe into the dating pool. Maybe if you think of it as a researching/learning project, it will alleviate some of the pressure?
I wish you nothing but love and happiness. You WILL get this figured out, and you will find love. I am certain of it.
Thank you!!
I wish I had a magic bullet answer for you.
I was and am the overweight chick who didn’t think I could possibly meet anyone unless I had lost a lot of weight and felt, somewhere inside, if not a perfect 10 then perhaps a 9. I wouldn’t even try to date people if I didn’t feel that way.
I felt that way once, when I’d lost about 30 lbs. I went to a party, I flirted, I met a guy. We had two dates, and he dumped me, and I thought: Man, it must be me; whatever size I am I can’t make it work.
So I went out and lived life. I have friends who are married with kids, I hang with them, I hang with the kids. I do Meetup.com stuff. If there was a non-frat-type party, I’d go. I was social, but didn’t make much effort to meet people. And at this point I’m supposed to say: Suddenly, I met the love of my life. Nope, that didn’t happen either.
What did happen was I a) got comfortable with being alone — which is not the same thing as being lonely and b) was okay if this part of life just didn’t happen for me. I might regret it at age 60, but by my mid- to late-30s, I was okay with it. I had met guys through dating sites, through friends, through volunteer work and, in the 20-odd years I dated, I’d had a sum total of two, year-long relationships, neither of which were really satisfying, but were Better Than Nothing. I also had a lot of shorter dates/relationships that — as someone mentioned above — showed me what I wanted, and what I didn’t want.
It turned out I had a long learning curve. It also turned out I was picky.
So anyway, I turned 40 and that’s when you go, “Okay, this *really* just isn’t going to happen for me,” and I went on the trip I’d always wanted to take — to Australia — for my big 4-0 birthday. I came back about 15 lbs heavier but having achieved a dream, and thought, what the hell. I’m really about 5.6 in my mind, but I’m going to try this free dating site I never used before, mainly because I like taking personality tests. Instead of listing myself as “athletic,” I put “curvy.” I put up a very recent photo. I didn’t try to be too, too clever in the profile. I mentioned I had cleavage.
Within two weeks I had two guys I really liked; within a month one guy and I were very serious. One year and 10 months after meeting him (give or take a few days), we got married. Nobody was more shocked than I was. Even if we hadn’t gotten married and just moved in together, that would have been ok, but to be able to go the whole 9 yards, with someone who saw me at (my mental) 5.6 and felt I was a 10 (and still does) … that was shocking.
I keep thinking of the Rolling Stones line, about how you can’t always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need. Maybe I wanted to be a size 8 and feel like a 10 and meet somebody special at age 26 and be married and happy and all that, but the truth was: that wasn’t me. Me is someone else, and that someone else had to wait until she was 40 to meet the guy who matched up. Sometimes, it happens that way. And all of the Happily Ever After we get sold by Hollywood and our parents and the world in general won’t change it.
And if it hadn’t happened at all, that would have been okay, too.
I don’t know if this is good advice. It’s just one person’s take. The point is, live your life and keep your eyes open and don’t settle but be willing to compromise on some things, and life will be good back to you. Good luck! And hook ‘em horns!
Wow, what a great story. Congrats to you both.
I am definitely living my life and enjoying time with friends and family.
To expand your social circle, check out meetup.com. It is all group activities with people who have common interests. It isn’t a dating site at all, but it might be good to just meet some new people in your area!
I will definitely have to look in to that.
Thank you!
Greis,
I agree with the women who are suggesting that you use online dating to practice – as a person who has never been pursued in person, I found a lot of attention online. My personal experience with okcupid.com has been mostly positive, with the caveat that some men are just clueless when it comes to etiquette.
Additionally, you might consider volunteering your time at an organization in your community, or helping with a political campaign. You might meet a man person with similar views there, and if not, it’s a great way to expand your social circle.
Congratulations on your weight loss and motivation to find what you want!
Rebecca
Thank you!
My sister is 32. Her very cute, very sweet new husband is 25.
Oh. And he’s less attractive than she is. So he’s VERY appreciative of his good fortune in snagging a hottie.
Just sayin.
Yay, glad to hear I wouldn’t totally be robbing the cradle with a 25 year old. :0)
Two things:
1) Go somewhere YOU’RE really comfortable with friends who are supportive of your desire to get your flirt on. Men can sense when you’re comfortable and when you’re comfortable, you’re confident and when you’re confident, you are immediately 10 degrees hotter. True fact. And, as well, there’s nothing worse than being with a group of friends who get annoyed with you attracting future date options. (I myself have been dragged out of many a bar for getting attention. It is awful.) So make sure YOU’RE having fun in the right place with the right people. Besides, wouldn’t you rather meet someone who likes to go to the same places you do?
2) Like other posters said here, just go on the date. (Unless there are red flags going up, in which case, of course NEVER go on the date, but you know that because you are clearly a smart lady.) Maybe you’re not sure about it, or you’re like, whoa this guy is clearly into cats and I am definitely a dog person, it will NEVER work between us so why try? You never know. Maybe he’s just picking up some cat food for his mom. Just go on the date. If it’s awesome, you get to go on a second date! (Scientifically proven to always be better than first dates.) If it’s awful, you can tell your friends over a bottle of wine and get a good laugh out of it.
Thanks for reading and your advice. I”m definitely planning on being more open this time around and going on some dates, if asked.
Dear Gries,
Are you sure your name isn’t Andrea? I’m 32. I went on my first first-date when I was 25 with a guy I later realized was a chubby chaser and only wanted to watch me eat. Since then I’ve been on a few more first dates, but it wasn’t until earlier this year that I had my first second-date.
I’ve tried online dating, and it creeps me out a little. I go through these phases of wanting to date, going out on a couple of dud dates, and then happily retreating into singledom for another year or so.
I know that here in Chicago there are Meetup groups that provide social opportunities with no goal of matching people up, but that doesn’t mean you can’t meet new guys. Also, the Art Institute has a singles night once a month. I prefer to see the person I’m meeting rather than messing around on the internet.
Just some thoughts on how I manage. Oh, and shoot down any friends who tell you that you don’t really want a boyfriend. Idiots.
I’ll have to look in to meet up groups, for sure. I’ve been on “dates” just never in a relationship. Online dating has always creeped me out too, giving it another go around. We shall see what happens.
Thanks for reading and commenting!!
PS, sorry I spelled your name incorrectly!
I didn’t even notice!
Oh Greis, I’m sure you are going to help a lot of women with this post. I’ve been the opposite as far as dating. I have only ever been in long-term serious relationships, the shortest being 9 months and the longest (my current and hopefully forever) relationship being 4 years. I dated a guy I met on Match.com for 3 1/2 years, but broke up with him after he tried to make me feel horrible about myself and lose weight because he “didn’t want to be the guy with the fat girlfriend.” I wasn’t looking for a new relationship, I was going to try this “dating” thing that I never really did. Then I started hanging out with Steve, who was in the same class at mortuary school as me, and studying and doing all the things you do with classmates. After we graduated, we moved in together and now have a house and dog and talk about marriage.
It will happen for you, you just have to give it time. You said you are just now starting to expand your circles and open up to more possibilities. I only went on a date with one person from Match, but I did get matched with a lot of guys. You will too, and you can go on lots of dates (public places please so we don’t hear about you getting hurt!) and see what kind of guy you really want. Just be careful about who you chose to date and you will see that there are lots of guys who are in the same boat as you. Everyone just wants to find someone that will make them feel loved and comfortable. You are a beautiful person and any guy would be lucky to have you! And hey, if you need a wing woman, just call me and I’d be happy to join you!
Thanks, friend! I’ll definitely call you if I need a wing-woman!!!
Greis -
I just wanted to say thanks for this article! I’m a single 30-something Houstonian who has finally decided to make something happen… I’m just not sure HOW yet.
I always blamed my lack of dates on my weight, but then I would see my friends who were also overweight get dates… I don’t know WHY I haven’t found that “someone” yet, but I definitely feel like I can’t just coast any more. Now that most of my friends are married and are having kids, it’s especially hard – more so because they FEEL sorry for me, rather than me actually feeling left out!
I KNOW there is someone out there for me, I just hope he’s looking too. :o)
You’re welcome!! Yay for fellow Houstonians.
I’ve always blamed my lack of a love life on my weight…I can’t blame it on that any more. Now I’m just scared and anxious.
Dating is hard, yo!
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Hi Greis!
I met my current boyfriend of over 1 year on Match and he’s fantastic! So just to second all the advice about online dating. Also, the best advice I ever got about dating was this: Men are like pieces of spaghetti. You just have to throw all your spaghetti at the ceiling and hope that one piece will stick. Dating is a numbers game — the more dates you go on, the better chance you will have at meeting someone lucky enough to date you ;) But yeah first dates suck. You can do it!
I am a little late to this party, but as a 32 year old woman who has had much the same experience as you (very few relationships, ever), I highly recommend this dating coach: evanmarckatz.com. He has a blog that I have read for quite a while, which helps me keep perspective on what is going on in my dating life, and he recently started FOCUS coaching, which is an affordable way to learn more about how to interact with men. I have a lot more confidence and a lot more dates now that I have learned some of what he has to teach!
A great thing I heard some years ago:
Don’t focus on what this future partner will be like, but rather how they will make you FEEL.
Before I started dating my husband, I really thought I wanted to meet a guy who was “well off”. Instead, he’s an artist and I’m the breadwinner–but I am SO happy with our lives. He makes me feel cherished, treasured, adored. You deserve to feel that, too. ;-)