Why I’m Not a “Dirty Mom”
Sometimes I miss the good old days: the days of chic, swank, jaunty, fashionable, smart, dressed-to-the-nines moms.
Lately, I have seen a lot of Facebook updates, Twitter updates and blog posts from dirty moms. No, no, no, minds out of the gutter, people! Not that kind of dirty.
There is a legion of moms out there who don’t shower, don’t wear makeup, don’t comb their hair… and then leave the house. They go out in public that way, usually wearing pajama pants and slouchy baseball hats. I see them at school drop-off, I see them at Kroger, I see them at the library, and I see them at the gas station. I see these women everywhere. And every time it happens, I find myself wondering why.
You see, I’m a girly girl. I play with makeup like a pig wallows in mud. I love winter so I can wear cute boots and leather jackets; summer is great for showing off my Birkenstocks and freshly painted toes. I would rather buy lipstick than just about anything else, except maybe books. My heart bursts with joy when I find just the right shade of eyeliner. I should own stock in L’Oréal Paris because I buy Feria hair color at least once a month.
Listen, I have two kids, so I get it. Being a mom is hard, and moms don’t have a lot of time to devote to themselves. Some moms work outside of the home and then do all the housework after hours. Other moms devote all their time to their children and are exhausted by the end of the day. There are moms who do the work of two parents and only have half the time. All moms do a crazy amount of juggling, day in and day out, to help their families run smoothly. We’re all busy in different ways, but, in my own life, that doesn’t trump my desire to bathe.
I was raised to always look my best, especially when I was leaving the house. My mom would always remind me that I never knew who I would run into out in the world. I distinctly remember as a teenager being told that perhaps I didn’t have enough lipstick on just before I walked out the door. Whose mom says that? But I’m glad she did. She instilled in me a respect for myself that works from the inside out.
I’m proud of my life and proud of who I am, and I want my appearance to reflect how I feel. So I get up before my kids every morning so I can shower, shave my legs, apply makeup, get dressed, and put on jewelry. I never leave the house without looking my best because I want people to see me at my best. Does that make me a better person than the mom that doesn’t shower for three days? Absolutely not. But I feel better when I look good, and that’s enough for me.
Even if I’m not leaving the house for some reason on any given day, I still shower, do my hair, and get dressed. I feel happier and more productive when I’m not working in pajamas or sweats. With a touch of lip gloss or some sparkly earrings, I have an extra spring in my step, I hold my head higher, and I can focus on the task at hand.
The same goes for my kids. They don’t go out somewhere with stained clothes, grubby faces, or ratty hair. Well, they don’t go out that way with me. (Cough, cough. DADDY.) Appearance aside, my kids need to know the importance of personal hygiene. I don’t want them growing up and thinking that brushing their teeth, taking baths, and washing their hands is optional. Preschool germs are bad enough; we don’t need to tempt fate around here by neglecting to wash up.
Whether we like it or not, our society tends to judge things by the way they look. We like cute puppies, fluffy bunnies, fuzzy ducklings, and pretty people. I don’t agree with it, but let’s face it: it happens. There is a reason that people always say that you never get a second chance to make a first impression. I want to put my best face forward every day – literally. I don’t think that makes me a snob or a phony or an anti-feminist. It means that I am proud of who I am and what I have achieved.
So, I’m sorry, dirty moms, but I can’t join your group. I’m going to continue to get fully snazzed-up to take my kids to school or go to the grocery store. Every morning, I’m going to get up at least thirty minutes before my kids do so I can shower, zhush my hair, do my makeup, and enjoy a few minutes of alone time before the insanity of the day begins. Zappos.com will always be one of my favorite websites to browse, and I’ll blow whatever extra cash I have at Ulta. But please don’t judge me for primping. I don’t take good care of myself to impress others; I take good care of myself because I deserve it. We all deserve it.
image credit cartam
K. C. Wells lives with her husband and two kids in Lexington, KY, though they are planning a move to the Hoosier state soon. She is a former French teacher and a current stay-at-home-mom. In her “spare” time, she likes to spend time with her family, read, watch old movies, go to Disney World, and buy makeup.
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I fall somewhere in the middle. I don’t wear makeup every day but I do get fully dressed to go out, even to the grocery store. I have a low-maintenance hairstyle so I can look presentable when I go out, even if I don’t have time to spend on my hair. And I bathe regularly. At least every other day. :)
Well said, KC!
As an esthetician, I can identify with your point of view. I don’t even go to the grocery store without makeup on. Some would call this being vain or insecure about my looks, but I disagree (esp b/c my makeup is my sunscreen). If all it takes is a little makeup to make you feel better about yourself, then that’s a simple solution. It’s a matter of self-discipline to wake up each day and do what it is that needs to be done! You go, girl!
Maybe all those “dirty moms” don’t buy into the Beauty myth and it takes more (or less?) than makeup and sparkly earrings to make them feel good about themselves. Just a thought.
WORD.
I understand what you are saying, but I don’t think that showering daily and changing out of your pajamas to leave the house count as “buying into the beauty myth”.
I personally think there is nothing wrong with staying in your PJ’s while getting your kids to the bus stop. Nobody can see you anyway. The same for the C-Stores, who cares if you need a juice on the way home.
Sure, get showered and dressed for work. But at home I am ALWAYS in yoga pants and a cami, and my makeup is washed off. I do that within 5 minutes of getting home.
I agree with you, Melissa! We’re not talking about forgoing showering AT ALL! Some of us are on different schedules. I’m not dressed and primped at 8am. I’m rarely UP at 8am! And that’s ok. If buses didn’t come at the crack of dawn, perhaps more moms would be out of their PJs by pick up time and the author’s “dirty mom” problem wouldn’t exist!
I think hair and makeup is fun. I see makeup as optional, like an accessory. It only bothers me when there’s pressure to wear it to FIX what’s not really broken. Natural-looking women are perfectly attractive as is. Just as natural-looking men are.
The author gussies up for herself. Perhaps some women dress down for themselves. To each her own.
I believe that the author’s point was “To each her own”. She didn’t say you shouldn’t do precisely what you want, she merely stated her observations and then relayed what she does. Perhaps someone sneered at her for her style of dress, and this was her response?
I don’t (personally) see any reason for anyone to take offense to this. Not even the “dirty” moms. Because at the end of the day, style (or effort) is a personal choice.
Although I’m one of the ones who won’t really go anywhere without at least attempting to look nice, I don’t think what she’s talking about is JUST makeup and sparkles. And I get what she’s saying. Who feels really good about themselves when they’re unwashed, greasy, and wearing clothes from yesterday? NO ONE. It may be about doing hair and makeup for some of us, but for others (who maybe don’t wear makeup and have a wash-and-go hairstyle) maybe it’s just about getting up and showering and putting on an outfit they feel “pretty” in. Running around looking like crap isn’t good for anyone. It’s not good for YOU, it’s not a good example for your KIDS, and it’s CERTAINLY not conducive to getting your man to have “ungentlemanly thoughts” about you. And if you truly think your husband doesn’t care what you look like then you just don’t know men.
Keri, I think you’re assuming a lot, both about me and “dirty moms.”. You assume I am a dirty mom, you assume I have a husband (shocking but not all moms do!) and you assume that if I do have a husband he is (like all men?) a a caveman who only cares whether I look pretty. Oh yeah, and that gentlemen don’t have sexual thoughts? Thanks for the lesson.
Well I wasn’t replying to YOU, specifically. I was just speaking to the people who will (as you did earlier) make generalizations about what she said. Like you did. You’re the one who brought up the Beauty Myth and makeup and I was just saying that I didn’t really get that takeaway from what she was saying. If makeup makes you feel pretty – go for it. But otherwise I think she was just saying we all FEEL better when we look nice (whatever what means to each of us individually).
And yes, men ARE cavemen who care about our appearance. Certainly not ONLY about our appearance, but come on!!!!
Sorry, I assumed the YOU referred to me, since it as directly after my post.
I didn’t make a generalization about what she said. I was trying to help her understand why some women do not need to engage in the same level of primping (her words not mine) to have the audacity to leave their house. Because while the author claims not to judge women who do just that, she ends by saying that “we all deserve” to care enough about ourselves to not do.
Sorry to not do that (as in leave the house looking unkempt)
I think you’re mistakenly confusing the concepts of “beauty” and “self esteem.” There’s more to life than looking good, and that’s no reason to judge moms who might not be able to get up at 5 am to shave their legs. Moms who might have a chronic disease, moms whose kids need more taking care of, moms who just don’t see the need to shave their legs every day. You’re asking other moms not to judge you for primping, and you say you’re not being judgmental, but your appellation of “dirty moms” says differently.
I assure you, I was raised by a mother who didn’t “primp” every day, who still forgets to dye her hair on a regular basis and I shower and get ready for my job every day because she taught me cleanliness is IMPORTANT. That’s not to say that she told me to put more lipstick on. Maybe your own mother actually destroyed your self-esteem by teaching you that outward appearance is equal to self-esteem. And by the way, you’re going to run into a few more “dirty moms” in my home, the Hoosier state. I hope it’s not too offensive.
I’m disappointed in CGG for posting articles such as this. Articles that are slyly judgmental and elitist. This does not add to anyone’s knowledge. It’s an article of the author congratulating herself for being better than others. I’m happy to say I’m leaving CGG for communities that fit me better. Communities of women with more to do than talk about how they’re better than me for having no life. And time to dye their hair weekly.
I do agree with this comment, I was surprised that CGG would post an article like this that basically looks down on certain people. It does come across as judgy and elitist to me, totally the opposite of what I thought CGG was all about.
Maybe I have read it wrong, I am not a Mom but sometimes I pop to the corner shop in my sweats with no make-up on, does this make me a “dirty” person? :/
I won’t be leaving the community, but I hear you about conflating self esteem and beauty. Nothing like reinforcing the dominant belief that the value of a women is summarized by her appearance.
How is that any different than the domainant belief that men are judged by the size of their bank account? Because THAT is just as prevalent as the belief that woman are judged by their appearance. Should it be like that? No. But is anyone ever in the history of humankind going to change it? Nope. Sorry. Never going to happen. There’s always going to be some standard of beauty and wealth that we are judged by.
I think that’s a shortsighted view. I do NOT judge men’s worth by their bank account. I’m sorry that you’re so pessimistic about the entire human race.
Maybe YOU don’t, but you know as well as I do that a LOT of society does! For heaven’s sake quit making everything about YOU. This is a general conversation about generalities – about how SOCIETY, taken as a WHOLE, tends to view things.
My comments are not about generalities, though yours seem to be. They’re about why individual women might try (or not try) to uphold certain standards. If you refer to the author’s original post, she frames it as trying to understand other women’s motivations for not doing something that she clearly thinks is the right thing to do. That’s what my part of this conversation is discussing.
As an aside, I think you’ve now suggested I falsely generalizing from the post by… making it all about me? I’ll need some time to make my brain stop hurting from that one.
Hi Amanda,
CGG is a website for all women with all points of view. We are lucky that some of our readers write in with posts about the way they see things. We all have different life experiences that shape our outlook. We like to give everyone the opportunity to share their voices, in the hopes that when we see opinions that differ from ours we can start discussion and hopefully learn from it.
Instead of leaving the community after reading an article you don’t like, I would like to invite you to write a response article with your points. As you can see here with all the comments, you would be reaching a large base of women who are eager to share their ideas.
-Heather
Amanda, Goodness! Leaving a community because someone has a different opinion about things then you do. That is sad. We can’t all agree on everything and it’s not a whole group of peoples fault that you don’t agree with one person in the group. How are we to learn if we don’t see things from a different point of view? I agree with Heather, maybe the solution you are seeking is to put your point of view and opions out there. Then perhaps loads of people can comment on and completely dissagree with your opinon the way they have done to this lady.
If I were the lady who originally posted this, I’d be crying with how vehemently people have dissgreed with her. She put her neck out with an opinion and for that I respect her, tho I don’t 100% agree with her. Where can we see your opinion publically posted so we may comment on it?
You’re right. Leaving a community because someone has a different opinion about things IS sad. Leaving a community that doesn’t seem to fit with your feelings and viewpoint is normal. This is NOT the first time I’ve felt uncomfortable at CGG. This is the tipping point. CGG has become a place that has a lot more to do with parenthood than it really puts out there. As someone who is not yet a mom (nor will be for awhile), I don’t feel comfortable at a place that tends toward mommyblog, even though that’s not what it advertises itself as. Maybe that’s my mistake and misperception, and I’m willing to accept that.
As for posting my own opinion, I would welcome and appreciate the opportunity, but I would prefer to discuss the opportunity with Heather herself. As I said, I myself am not a parent, so I don’t think that I could respond completely on point. I have, however, HAD parents, and have KNOWN parents as well as being a rather busy person myself.
Further, I have always been a person to appreciate differing opinions. What I do not appreciate is a response to my own viewpoint that has no basis in reason, but is rather an opportunity to jump at someone with a differing opinion.
I agree. I used to read every day and now I’m down to maybe once a week. I can’t put my finger on it, but the articles seem to have turned in a direction that doesn’t sit well with me.
I agree with both of these statements. I’ve also cut down on my reading here. I understand there will also be parenthood stories and articles in a women’s magazine, as a lot of women are moms, but GCC is rolling almost entirely in that direction. Im certainly not opposed to mom focused articles, but I hoped for a decent balance, and it isn’t there anymore.
This article didn’t even need to specify dirty moms. He’ll, I’ve been known to run to the store in yoga pants and a less than brushed ponytail, and instead it was pigeonholed away from “women” and made only abut mothers. Therefore, my ability to empathize was taken away.
I don’t think this has anything to do with beauty, and the article itself is maybe just a little judgemental to other moms. However, I feel that basic things like showering and wearing clean(ish) clothes and brushing your hair and teeth should be on any persons list of things to do. It gives a person a feeling of worthiness, that you are just as much a person with needs as your kids and husband are. I don’t think kids prohibit people from washing, and never ever changing your clothes and B.O. because you don’t shower has nothing to do with being a mom (although it can be used as an excuse). It has to do with the feeling that you’re not worth the time and effort to take care of your own basic needs, just others’, which is very sad.
Dressing nicely, wearing make-up, and all the stuff beyond basic needs is a personal choice, and I don’t think anyone should be judged based on it, moms or not. It’s ok not to care about wearing heels or putting on make-up, and it can feel very liberating. It’s true that like it or not, people are judged by appearances, however this will never change as long as we expect everyone to conform to it, and continue to feel pressured ourselves.
Well said Amanda, I too was disappointed in this article. Too much judgment hidden behind ‘I’m not judging’ statements.
Agreed.
I agree with Amanda and others on this one. I enjoy reading CGG because of how accepting so many of the posts are of women who don’t fit society’s beauty standards. This post seemed out of whack, so judgmental. What’s wrong with going about your business in sweats, baseball cap, no makeup, unruly hair? How do we know that these women didn’t shower or brush their hair? “Dirty” is a loaded word and I’m very disappointed in this post.
I am with the other comments above – judge much because I feel like I have been judged after reading this.
I go workout every Saturday morning from 9-10 AM. I walk out of the house showered, hair brushed with deodorant on sans make up because I am about to almost die in my step class and sweat all that make up off. I take my kid with me to play in the childcare area. So after that I may need to stop at the store, run to the bank. Am I supposed to go ALL the way back to my house lug my four year old out of the car then shower, dry and staighten my hair, apply make up and then lug my kid back to the car and out again to get milk and bread? I make certain I don’t actually smell before I leave the gym…so are people really looking at me like I am DIRTY because I have a pony and no makeup!? There’s no holes in my clothes and I smell nice. Also? My pony tail sits a little higher and has a sassy swing because I got up off my rear and did a challenging thing at 9AM on a Saturday morning, instead of you know wallowing in my own filth.
I feel like this article is counterintuitive to this sites goal.
I’m in the same boat (I don’t have kids) but with the working out. I’m in workout clothes most of the time that I’m not at work because it’s just not feasible to go home and change after working out, and the gym is too important to me!
I’m impressed that you shower before you go to the gym. I never bother to shower before working out :)
Judgmental, much? You go right ahead and keep buying L’Oreal products by the cartful–they test on animals. I bet you didn’t know that, since you place looks and pride above knowledge of products you are purchasing—their place of origin, their content, the message behind their marketing, and so on. You doll up to drop your kids off and go to the market; I’ll spend my time in the morning teaching my child about the value of critical thinking, going over current events taking place in our local, national, and international news, and running out the door at the last minute because we are busing taking care of our rescue and foster animals—even if it means I only have time to throw my hair in a ponytail, brush my teeth, and throw a jacket on over my sweats. I work off-hours as a college professor and at home as an editor, and I’m not trying to impress you or anyone else on the playground. When I go to work, I dress appropriately, and yes, I even get excited if our family budget allows for me to get a new $3 E.L.F. eye shadow. You go ahead and put on your chemically-enhanced face and make sure your hair looks perfect before walking out the door each day. I prefer to set different examples for my ‘tween son, and I don’t feel the need to write an article criticizing others who make different choices than mine in order to make myself feel better about them.
Bravo, well said!
Who’s judgmental now? Maybe you should climb down off your moral high horse. Oh yeah, and ALL products are directly or indirectly tested on animals. Even the stuff you buy that is supposedly testing-free. Not true. Those ingredients have already been tested on animals by other companies, and deemed safe. Thus, ELF, or whoever, can feel free to use them.
And since they’ve ALREADY BEEN tested, it’s not necessary to continue testing them!
Ok, you just listed all of these things you do instead of “taking pride in your looks” but that’s making a judgement that mothers who do take pride in the way they look don’t also do all of those things you listed. How do you know she doesn’t doll up and teach her children all of those things you listed, or take care of foster animals, or anything else? You don’t, she could very well do both.
Jamie and Ashley, the difference is, I don’t feel the need to write an article (for money? not sure how CG works with their writer submissions) telling others how inferior they are for their choices. I was merely posting a response as one who was offended by the article. Was I defensive? Absolutely. I will own that. Unlike the author, mine wasn’t a scheduled post, with time to plan what I wanted to say. It was an emotional response to what I found to be an insulting opinion piece. Having said that, I still stand by it.
This submission was an interesting topic. I’ve seen the phrase “dirty mom” on social media for a few weeks, and I found it an extreme stereotype of moms, but I think the heart of this exact article comes down to self esteem.
Both the authors and our own.
I don’t let make-up or clean hair or pants with zippers and buttons determine my worth, and of it was up to me, I wouldn’t want anyone’a self esteem to hinge on those things.
But, I see points in her argument that personal care does reflect having value in yourself.
I don’t however agree with using those standards to define the worth of others, moms or otherwise.
This article has sparked discussion, which is important, and maybe the outcome of this will be bringing these judgey and superficial comments out into the open, and then extinguishing them.
:) that would be nice, wouldn’t it?
I appreciate your comment, Brittany. I read this post on my phone on the train to work today, and thought, “OH LAWD this one’s gonna get people hot under the collar!”
I don’t know if I would be considered a “dirty mom” but I definitely go to the store, etc. without makeup, in sweats . . . the little one may have a stained shirt but I try to cover it with a jacket. I make sure I’m put together for work and when I go out socially, but I consider one benefit of knowing NO ONE where I live is that only strangers can see me looking a mess! ;)
It is true that I feel better about myself, more confident, etc. when I know I look good. But I just don’t feel the need to feel confident when I’m putting gas in the car or running to get milk, you know? In situations where I care what others think, and where I want to feel that boost, that’s when I put extra effort into looking great. I don’t consider looking awesome necessary to every part of my life outside the house.
I do think that the author doth protest too much re: judgment, but one thing struck me, and maybe that’s what we should focus on – she said, “Whether we like it or not, our society tends to judge things by the way they look. We like cute puppies, fluffy bunnies, fuzzy ducklings, and pretty people. I don’t agree with it, but let’s face it: it happens.”
If she doesn’t agree with it – and if many of us here don’t agree with it – what can we do to make things change? CGG has had similar conversations about weight, clothing, etc.
If our culture has unrealistic standards of beauty, is the answer to protest by boycotting showers and makeup? I don’t think so (and I don’t think that’s what any commenters are suggesting). But what *is* the answer? I think that this article would have been a great fit for CGG, and would have had a lot more support, had it focused more on the important points of how we feel when we take better care of ourselves, less on statements of judgment, and some tips for how to give yourself time and effort when your circumstances work against you in that regard.
Well said, Ashley!
Bravo.
I find it amusing how everyone jumps all over the author for being “critical”, but then makes all these snap judgments about her based on a 1 page article. Who is being critical now??
When I explain to someone they are making racist comments, it does not make me a racist.
Wow, that’s quite a leap there. So you’re comparing her “criticism” of so-called dirty moms to being a racist? I’m not sure I follow. The fact is, you are voicing your opinion, just as the author did. You have every right to do so, but I don’t think you can possibly say you’re not being “critical,” especially with statements like, “I don’t feel the need to write an article criticizing others who make different choices than mine in order to make myself feel better about them.” Ironically, it seems like that’s exactly what you’re doing. Maybe you don’t need to write an article about it, but you certainly seem to be writing a lot of comments about it.
scc, she was speaking metaphorically. Her message was this: pointing out criticism does not automatically make that person critical JUST AS commenting about racism doesn’t make someone racist. It wasn’t a direct comparison of these two topics. Speaking from a place of ‘I have a commentary about these people’s way of life and about how mine is better’ is entirely different from ‘It is not a good idea to be critical in this fashion, for these reasons…’
That is my biggest problem with online discussions such as this. We misunderstand someone and then create an idea about that person and interpret their message based on information that isn’t accurate. With in-person discussions, that commenter has the chance to clear up the misunderstanding right then and there. Internet = love/hate relationship. [sigh...]
I get that it was theoretically supposed to be a metaphor, but it wasn’t a very good one and I think even bringing up racism in a discussion that is not remotely related to race is unnecessarily inflammatory and just doesn’t make sense. I honestly don’t really know where I stand on this issue, I can see both sides. The reason I can see both sides is that unlike, say, racism, there are two sides, which is what I think most people here are forgetting. I completely agree that saying “my way of life is better” is not a good way to argue, and my point is simply that the author is not the only one speaking in that manner. Many of those disagreeing with the author are doing it in a very judgmental and, frankly, rather rude manner. I just find it really hypocritical that people are attacking her for being judgmental by being quite judgmental in return.
I found this an interesting article because one of the only rules I had for myself as a mom was to shower every day. That rule for me isn’t so much about cleanliness, although I do find that important, but so that I take some me time every day and get dressed every day, because I do feel better when I am dressed. Right now I work 2 days a week and have a 4 year old, a 3 year old and a 4 month old. So I take one week day a week to stay home and go absolutely nowhere. Most of those days I am doing housework and fighting off the baby blues, but I will still shower. Sometimes I wait until 3pm to do it because I’m mopping or cleaning bathrooms, but I still take a shower. And it does help with the baby blues. But I do not bother with makeup. And I haven’t had my hair colored since July even though I really need to. I do get the authors point that I will feel better about myself when I do get my hair looking nice, but agree with a lot of the comments that she comes off as very judgmental. I hate my work days when I have to get up at 5:30 in order to shower, get dressed and do makeup before the kids wake up. We don’t know everybody’s situation and we really should not judge a mom just because we saw her out without makeup one day.
I’m a mother of a near 3 year old and newborn. This author assumes that all mothers who arrive at school in sweats and unkempt hair are dirty and haven’t had a shower, and therefor take no pride in their appearance and possibly have low self esteem. I shower at night, because it’s the only time I have. I don’t have time to do my hair in the morning, because getting sleep is more important to me than putting on lipstick. Just because I don’t have the time, and have changed my priorities doesn’t make me a dirty unkempt mother with no self esteem. I don’t judge a mother either way, whether she arrives at school in a prom dress, or last night’s pajama pants.
Well said!
Some people actually look better without make-up. In my opinion, less is more. Natural beauty is where it’s at :)
I’ve seen you without makeup. You’re so PRETTY! *jealous*
WHATEVER – You are GORGEOUS.
Also, my fav person today.
Also, I need to go brush my teeth before school pick-up.
NO, YOU’RE THE PRETTIEST! HA!
Yeah, go brush those teeth! That’s one thing that grosses me out. Dirty teeth.
But I am cool with dirty moms. I become one every single weekend because I have to dress for work each day. Sometimes, I just want a break from hair and make-up. On the weekends, I find my only motivation to shower is that I can’t stand my own smell anymore.
“On the weekends, I find my only motivation to shower is that I can’t stand my own smell anymore”
THIS! I’ve had weeks that make the effort of showering to be more than I can muster come Saturday morning.
I see all kinds of “dirty mom’s” that if you actually look at them, are not really dirty in their designer “sweats” and shoes with cute hats. They drop off the SUV full of kids at 3 different schools, then go to the gym and then most likely shower after they get sweaty. Why on earth would anyone go to all that effort at some ungodly hour in the morning to get sweaty at the gym and have to do it all over again? And maybe this is just my universe, but why couldn’t all these “dirty mom’s” be waiting to shower until after they get the kids to school and go the gym?
I would like to discuss something else that really helps with self esteem but is not mentioned anywhere in this judgmental article about appearance. Exercise. Where in your daily routine is the exercise? I know that when I’m crabby and bitchy and ready to take off heads, the last thing I need is a shower and some makeup. I need to run. I need to ride my bike. I need to do something that directs all the negative energy swirling around inside of me into something focused where I wear my body out so my mind can calm the fuck down and I can just relax.
And I like workout clothes. I’ve found that compression wear does wonders for my ass which exponentially increases my self esteem.
And you know what. Sometimes after an evening run – especially in the winter when it’s not hot and I don’t get very sweaty – I don’t shower until the next morning. And sometimes, even though I’m ‘dirty’ – my husband has been known to want to have sex with me.
Yes, this!! My poor husband. I am grubby on the weekends because I work such long hours that on the weekends, I try not to leave the house if I can help it. I basically shower for him, for sex. :)
I would like to note that last night (Valentine’s Day), after an extra-long day, I came home, put on fugly and so-not-sexy Winnie the Pooh nightgown (a gift) and made a joke to him about doing it up big for VD. He said, “Well, I haven’t showered today, so . . . ” (he’s a SAHD). We high fived, said “Happy Valentine’s Day!” and went back to eating dinner on the couch while watching Parenthood. And then we fell asleep.
I know, right? I HATE leaving the house on the weekends!
I feel like I just want to relax and enjoy the thing I ma working to pay for!
I don’t really notice or care what other moms are wearing, but I do see some validity in the argument that taking care of yourself by not being a slob does show you value yourself.
As for me, I’m somewhere in the middle. I take the time to do things that improve how I look and feel (i.e. workout out, taking showers daily, slapping on some sunscreen), but I will run out in yoga pants and a messy ponytail if that’s all I’ve had time for that day.
For me, taking pride in my appearance DOES make me feel better. Plus, I know it’s not feminist of me, and I’ll get jumped on for this, but let’s face it: Even though my husband and I have been together for a very long time, I try to remember to make an effort for him. Just like I don’t find him particularly attractive when he hasn’t shaved for 3 days and needs to shower.
I certainly go out in public without being dolled up (I work from home a few days a week and my dog and I don’t mind if I’m doing it without mascara) but I do think there is some intrinsic truth that you feel a little better about yourself after a hot shower and “fresh” hair…says the girl who only washes her hair three days a week.
I don’t mind/care/notice when other people are or are not dolled up unless I’m in a venue where it “requires” it- a nice restaurant, work, a party, etc. I certainly don’t judge others based on what they are or not wearing on their face, but I’m intrigued by the discussion that is going on here.
I liked this article. I have made it my personal mission to always shower every day and I do my best to get dressed with make up on and hair down. Now that doesn’t mean there aren’t days where I wear yoga pants and a baggy tee but I try and take time for myself. That is really want this is about.
But, that’s YOUR choice, and something you want to do for yourself. It’s a whole another thing to judge others for choosing not to, or not doing so because they don’t have the time. Everyone sets the standards for themselves, and we shouldn’t look down on others who don’t follow our standards.
This ^
We won’t judge you for primping, but don’t call us “dirty.” Confession: I’m not even a mom, I’m a single, childless woman. And yes, I do not wear makeup regularly. I do not shave my legs everytime I wear shorts. I’m not dirty, I just don’t tie my self-worth to my appearance. I think my plain old face looks just fine.
A couple bloggers are embarking on this thing called The Naked Face Project. Check it out. If you examine your reasons for wearing makeup and continue to wear it, fine. I have examined my reasons for NOT wearing makeup and I’m ok with that too. http://www.thenakedfaceproject.com/ Can’t we all get along, naked face, dirty face, or made up face? To each her own!
Good for you, doing something that works for you and makes you feel good.
But.
It doesn’t work for me. A day in make-up is paid for with several days of my skin recovering. And other than “No pajamas out of the house,” my dress code for things like the grocery store or post office is pretty relaxed.
If someone wants to judge me based on that, than so be it. Because chances are, someone who is that judgmental and who possesses such a superiority complex based on outward appearance alone, probably isn’t someone who is going to enrich my life anyway. At least, that’s what I’ve learned from my experiences.
I’m wondering who these mystery people that you “never know you might meet” on a Tuesday at the car wash are? Because I haven’t met anyone that made me regret not spending more time in front of the mirror in the morning. In fact, the people whom touch me the most are usually the ones who take me as I am, even if I have dirty hair and sweats on.
I bet men could give a $hit about what they are wearing when they drop off/pick up at school …lol. We women are such bitches LOL!
You know Liza… I don’t know of a mens web site where they are telling other men… “Quit wearing sweats to the school, Dude!” They don’t care! HAHA!
on the other hand Most of the time we females are talking about how much we struggle with body image… I don’t think I’ve seen so many females that have stated in the same place how PROUD they are of them selves in whatever they choose to wear! THIS is an amazing way for people to feel better about themselves and state it loud and proud!
Right?! I was thinking that as I read through the comments. It’s mostly dads who drop off the kids at my kids’ bus stop at 7:20 every morning, and I guarantee you none of them have ever showered beforehand. So why do I worry about not having showered? It’s insane.
First, bravo to taking time for yourself – I guess I would prefer to have that time go towards something else like a uninterrupted book, a cup of coffee that doesn’t get cold because you are breaking up fights or running after little ones, or a conversation with my husband – but to each their own.
I get the point of the article – that we all deserve to feel good about ourselves and have the time to do what we need to do to get there. I think that a lot of us feel comfortable in our own skin, though – and we would not choose to spend our extra (limited) time to make sure our hair and clothing are perfectly put together.
This, exactly. There are times when I do feel the need to get all pretty and put together, but most days I literally only leave the house to drop off or pick up my son from school and it just isn’t worth the effort for those five minutes.
bravo. what a nice, respectful reply. see, people can disagree and still be nice about it :)
I am surprised to see this article on CGG, it seems a bit out of place from the normal uplifting this I find here. From the time my oldest son was born until last August, I was a full time working mom and part time student. I got up before my kids everyday to shower, do my hair and makeup and get dressed because my work required it of me. I was the mom showing up to tball and soccer practice in heels and slacks because I left from work, grabbed the kids and went straight there. I was the mom in the grocery store in heels, slacks, etc because I was on my way home from work and needed to grab a few things.
Now? I guess I am a dirty mom… I’m a stay at home mom, student and currently pregnant with my third son. I shower daily (it is the only thing that wakes me up and makes me feel human!) and I brush my teeth, but some days are just not worth the effort to do my hair or put on makeup, especially when pregnancy has made my skin so sensitive. I also have piles of heels, cute boots and clothes that I’m sure would be acceptable to the author, but they don’t fit and are packed away until after baby is born. Most days you can find me in yoga pants and whatever tshirt I can manage to fit over my ever expanding belly. Why? Since I’m not working and have no where to go, spending money on a maternity wardrobe makes no sense, instead I have a few pieces that I wear when hubby and I have date night, or I do actually leave the house for something other than groceries or school pick up.
My looking like a dirty mom sometimes has absolutely nothing to do with a lack of self esteem or pride in myself. It is the opposite: I have enough self esteem that I can leave the house bare faced, with a messy pony tale and yoga pants and not be worried that others are judging me. And, my husband still seems to like me just fine, plus it is a lot easier to know his socks off these days: blow drying my hair and putting on mascara is all it takes!
I don’t care WHO you are, WHAT you are doing, or in how BIG of a rush you are……You can put on some clothes. When is it EVER appropriate to go outside in your nightclothes?! (unless you are taking the dog to pee, lol) *full body shudder* If you don’t wanna wear makeup, fine. If you don’t wanna style your hair, fine. But please put on some decent clothes and comb your hair!
Sorry. This is kind of a pet peeve of mine. :-)
But isn’t that the point? It’s YOUR pet peeve. And it only bothers YOU. So doesn’t that kind of make it YOUR problem?
If you wanna go outside in your pj’s, fine by me. I personally think that it’s ridiculous. There is not one person in this world that is too busy to put on real clothes before going out in the world. It’s lazy. I guess it is my problem that I think people should shower and look presentable when they leave their homes. For the record, I’m talking about pajamas. Not yoga pants, not sweat pants, not workout clothes. Pajamas. You know, the pants with cupcakes or sports teams on them? BAER. Basic hygiene should be a law.
That’s funny, MY mother taught me to be a good person. To treat/speak to others the way I would like to be treated/spoken to. She taught me that artificial beauty is most often nothing more than a cover-up for a conflicted soul. She taught me that judging others is not my place and that the ONLY time we should look down on someone else is when we are offering them a helping hand up. These are the ideas and advice that I am passing onto my own children, not “never leave the house without your lip gloss, honey”.
I think it’s so sad that any mother would suggest her daughter to put on more makeup before leaving the house.
This made me sad, as well. :(
Couldn’t agree more! While my mom said the same thing to me (Don’t you think you could use a bit more eye liner?) I can’t imagine saying that to my beautiful daughter.
I don’t wear makeup every day either, and if I’m going to the gym you might catch me out in an old t-shirt and comfy shorts. That being said, I shower everyday, a minimum of once. Usually I shower in the morning and when I get home I take another shower or a nice long bath. When I had my step kids , my young cousins or other family at my home they knew that they had TV time or activities to do when I was in the shower. I really don’t get the “too tired or busy to shower” thing at all. Does that mean you’ve got enough time and energy to stink?
Interesting perspective. I think it’s more about how each individual woman feels comfortable presenting themselves in public. I don’t wear loads of makeup every single day, I do bathe every day but DO NOT shave every day and usually wear leggings and a comfy long shirt to pick my daughter up from school (but that may be because I’m nearly 9 months pregnant) and can honestly say that I feel 100% presentable and pretty looking like that.
I’m a makeup artist and have had the privilege of meeting and chatting with countless numbers of women from all different walks. I have an appreciation for a woman who does take extra care to ‘accessorize’ if she so pleases, or for a woman who likes her red lipstick (along with her 10-20 other shades) but at the end of the day, its all about confidence. I tell my daughter she is beautiful every day but will never say to her “you need more lip gloss” because lip gloss is artificial and has nothing to do with who she is as a young woman. I’m more concerned with her spirit reflecting her inner beauty so that she can walk in this incredibly superficial society with the confidence that I was raised to have for myself. I would credit this confidence I have to my mother who always made me feel beautiful just as I was as a kid (even when I was really, REALLY goofy looking…I was oblivious to it and loved myself).
And my husband is totally hot for me with or without makeup on. :)
This is the first I’ve heard the term ‘dirty mom’. I don’t wear make-up and I can’t really afford nice clothes. I’m a kind person, I am clean (as in, I shower, I don’t stink, I brush my hair and teeth), I believe I’m respected by many people, and my husband thinks I’m SEXY in sweatpants. If someone else has to be primped with a nice outfit on and make-up to believe those things about herself, who am I to argue?
I’m comfortable in my own make-up-less skin. And THAT is the bottom line.
Confession time: On the weekends, the only thing that motivates me to shower is the smell of my own butt radiating up to my face.
I have to dress up everyday for work. It’s professional dress, high heels, Spanx, hair, and make-up. So unless I have a hot date with my husband (who DOES appreciate my effort to look nice & I appreciate his effort to look nice for me), I am pretty much looking like a drunk, smelly hobo.
I just would rather spend the hour and half it takes me to achieve my personal appearance best to play with my kids or scrub a toilet.
That being said, I really DO think our men like to see us try once in awhile to look spiffy for them. My husband is a very visual creature. So a little va-va-voom for his sake is not only well received by him, but it also makes me feel good about myself when he tells me how pretty I am, grabs me and kisses me.
But again, sometimes, the toilets just need scrubbed and I throw on a baseball cap to go pick up some bleach at Walmart in my favorite paint stained yoga pants and a tank top. I may or may not have wiped the mascara off my face.
I like reading all the points of view on this! Very interesting!
I already commented above about the weekend stank, but just the other day as I was purging my closet ONCE AGAIN, I created a new little section for myself.
See, when we’re at home, we all wear pajamas, underwear, etc. Well, the underwear is the boys. My husband and sons will walk around in their boxer shorts and a t shirt, all day long (in the house). My daughter and I – or all 5 of us – will wear pajamas, sweats. Clothes to be grubby and comfy in.
Most of my grubby wear oversized and makes me look way heavier than I am, but I grew up thinking that if I had a problem area, I should try to hide it with something that wouldn’t be snug against it. I’ve slowly come around to the idea that clothes that fit my body – even if they show a roll of back fat or a butt dimple – are better looking, because they don’t add as much bulk to my frame. So I’m still going to be a working mom who happily sheds her work wear and puts on her pjs, but I’m going to start wearing more fitted stuff that is also comfortable. Moving from the baggy sweats to the fitted yoga pants, you know? From the t-shirts my husband was gonna toss, to a fitted tank or fitted, low cut 3/4 sleeve shirt. Still comfy, at least a little sexy.
And to the author’s point – last night was my first test of my new at-home wardrobe, and I *did* feel better about myself because I felt like I was presenting a hot look to someone who would appreciate it. As for strangers in the grocery store, I still don’t care.
I just try to avoid being on the People of Walmart website.
Thank you Meredith! I am going to be straight up here. I hate to shower. I’m like a cat, I don’t like being wet. Of course, I shower when I go to work or have some where to go (most of the time)- but if I am just grocery shopping and housecleaning on my days off? I am dirty and proud! I grew up with a house full of exchange students and one of the things I remember most distinctly from the European teenagers that were my temporary big bro/sisters was that this showering everyday thing is an American hang up.
There are many days even when I am working that the most strenuous activity I perform is walking from my desk to the copier. DO I need to shower at the end of that day/next morning? nope. I don’t feel dirty.
THAT’S IT! I AM MOVING TO EUROPE! No showers or shaving your armpits (so I hear)? SOLD!
I’m with you–I don’t love to shower. Expecially in the colder months. Inane very dry skim and scalp. If I shower every day, I turn into a crusty, flaky, itchy mess that no amount of lotion can combat. Every other day works for me. But not showering daily is not a sign of low self esteem. I wear makeup about 60% of the time because I just don’t like to have it on every day. And my skin is happier for it. I’m 47 and most people guess my age at 35 so I think my skin regimen is paying off. So many girls have low self esteem and body dysmorphia that the last thing I’d tell my teenage daughter is to put on more makeup. I tell my teen daughter that I love her and that she’s beautiful mo matter how she styles her hair or wears her makeup. I want her beauty to come from her beautiful spirit, not from the MAC counter. That kind of beauty washes off at night and leads to judgmental posts and attitudes that perpetuate the very look-obsessed societal attitudes you claim to disagree with.
I love CGG, mostly because of 2 of the ladies who started the site who inspire me regularly, so I will remain a constant reader.
We can all be judgey, I’m the first to admit after a couple long islands I’ll really tell you what I really think about your new shirt. But I can’t imagine ever outwardly stating, so tactlessly, my opinion of women that I (obviously) have never gotten to know.
I would hope that instead of putting down fellow mothers or women in general you would offer a couple helpful hints, to atleast offset the other comments made, or put yourself out of your comfort zone and get to know these women and their stories.
(Be glad I’m mobile…or my comment would be twice as long.)
Your long island comment made me laugh… I’m one of the bitchiest women I know after a few drinks. You would think I’m a super model the way I start criticizing. My husband thinks it is hilarious.
Maybe she was drunk when she wrote this article then.
I am so sick of women judging other women. I’m about ready to just pack it in on this whole online thing. Yes, the poster’s post has a judgey tone as do ALL the comments judging her. It’s ridiculous and I hate it. It makes me so sad/angry/frustrated to see it go on and on and on about every POSSIBLE topic ad nauseum. Rinse, lather, repeat.
I will always try not to judge those based on their clothes, makeup or cleanliness. One never knows what’s going on in their lives that made them choose to forgo that shower or the blow out or the extra make up in order to use their time for something else. Perhaps they’re fighting a battle that I’m fortunate not to have to fight. I remember when I had those battles I was fighting and it was a miracle I even got out of bed with any clothes on! I’m glad no one judged me (to my face) when I was looking like a scrub in those dark days!
I think it’s interesting that the author seems to be assuming that just because a woman is out in public without makeup or dressy/girly/fancy clothes that she is “dirty.” Just cause I am not interested in a wardrobe other than jeans/sweats and t-shirts does not mean that I’m “dirty.”
Good on you if you like getting gussied up, but my idea of pretty may not be your idea of pretty. Just don’t go making assumptions about my cleanliness unless you actually walk up to me and take a good sniff.
And even then, how does it really affect you how I choose to live my life?
Interesting.
I’m not a mom but I guess I’m considered “dirty.” I do not wash my hair every day (there is just too much of it), I wear my glasses and rarely wear make up, especially at work. I work in a convenience store and the more unattractive I make myself look the easier it is to deal with drunken males overnights. Does that make me feel any less about myself? Nope. Yesterday alone I had a man and a woman come in and greet me with “Hey beautiful, how are you?” while I was wearing no make-up, glasses, an oil/trash/food/general disgustingness stained uniform shirt that is two sizes too big. I don’t consider myself any less beautiful or put together or worthwhile because I wear a tshirt and jeans (that may or may not, but totally do, have oil stains) on my days off as well.
It’s great that you take time to make yourself feel beautiful, but I feel that you are putting too much emphasis on your outer appearance instead of your self esteem. Wanting to look good for your husband is great…wanting your kids to look well groomed is great but my PERSONAL feeling is that you are putting too much pressure on you, and eventually your children.
Beauty isn’t how much make up you buy or how often you color your hair.
I agree. The phrase “Dirty Moms” is very rude. I was completely un aware that not wearing make up or having nice clothes made me a dirty mom. People should never judge someone for how they dress or if they have make up on. I don’t wear make up. I have natural beauty. People who look at me and think anything less of me are close minded and frankly who needs em? Not me.
If I run into someone out in public and they literally look me up and down and think “she’s now wearing any jewelry or make up, she’s a dirty person”.
Well, that’s just crazy and if they need to look around and feel better about themselves comparing themselves to others who are not dressed in the same sense of style, fashion or whatever…well it speaks volumes to character and mind set and what they are really teaching their children. It goes beyond “general good hygiene” and more into judging and comparing and classing people bases solely on outward appearance. Shame shame.
I think this article had the potential to be thought-provoking … a discussion-starter at the very least. But it was written was in a derogatory fashion that I find offensive and counter-productive. There has been so much talk in the online community about supporting each other as women, and as mothers specifically, instead of beating each other down. So, why support this article, the way it was written? Why perpetuate a term like “dirty mom?” I think there was an adult way to have this discussion without making women feel bad about themselves for wearing sweatpants to the grocery store. I have always admired most of the bloggers who run this site for their ability to support and empower other women, to champion mothers who do the best they can with what they have. I don’t think this article falls in line with those ideals. This article makes me cringe. I will remain a devoted reader because, thankfully, this article is not the face of CGG, or any of the other personal blogs that I read every day.
K.C.,
To all those over-worked, over-stressed d.m.’s out there: Don’t wait. Value YOU. NOW.
I am a recovering “dirty mom”. I spent years doing the “only get dolled up when I had to” routine. What changed for me? I decided to VALUE myself as a woman again. Sure, I now spend a precious hour getting ready that used to be dedicated to sleep or work, but I smile when I look in the mirror. Even when I was “done up” in my recent past, I didn’t feel happy with myself. Now that it’s a conscious decision to honor myself, people I see all the time are stopping me to ask what I’ve started doing: Change hair color, hairstyle, new make-up…? Nope, just a glow of personal happiness.
This is not to say I don’t drive my daughter to school some days in my PJ’s, I think we all do that to some extent. Life just throws us too many things to juggle, but I do my best and it shows.
i completely agree. i was raised in such a way that you show that you value yourself by keeping yoruself clean and put together. i don’t think you need to be completely glamorous every day, but be clean and do it for you. You’ll feel better!!
I think there is much more to feeling good than spending an hour getting dolled up. That might be what makes YOU feel good, but don’t assume that everyone shares the same opinion. To me, spending an hour doing yoga or riding my horse or doing something with my husband and kids makes me feel much better than an hour doing my hair or putting on makeup.
I’m so tired of women judging other women. We alone are the reason society has a complex about body image. WOMEN. Can you believe it?
But while we are judging, ….BIRKENSTOCKS? really??
Ha ha, this comment made me laugh. Even us “dirty moms” draw the line at Birkenstocks. Gross. ;)
Totally with you on the serious part of your comment too.
hahaha!
I noticed that as well. Made me chuckle.
I actually feel dumber for reading this article.
Some suggestions I would like to see for future articles includes;
Women and volunteering
How social media can focus attention on women’s issues like healthcare, financial security, education,
The stress of caring for aging parents and children at the same time.
Mental health care for women and children
I think maybe that would help Curvygirls bump up from an article I would see in a highschool newspaper to something more meaningful.
Hi Malise,
We actually cover all of those topics extensively, and will continue to do so. I would also love to have you tackle one of those prompts – as you see, we feature guest contributors from all walks in an attempt to start discussion.
~Heather
If those are the kind of articles you are interested in why don’t you write one? If you feel that you can write in a more sophisticated manner I’m sure the owners would give you just as much consideration as they did the contributor today.
The beauty of CGG is that they give everyone the opportunity to voice their opinion, whether it’s popular with the masses or not.
You know showering and brushing your teeth shows respect to everyone else in the world. Sometimes it’s not all about us but rather being considerate to the rest of society. It’s not about how much make-up you put on or how high your heels are, you can be clean and put together in a pony and sneakers. I think people took this writer way to personally, and as member of society I appreciate not standing in line behind someone who was too busy for basic hygiene, kids or no kids.
^THIS. i completely agree.
why does it matter whether someone else is “dirty” or not? If you want to dress up, fine, dress up. No need to get all judgey. Just mind your own business. We’re all living with different circumstances. Some days we get dolled up, some days we’re doing good to survive. I even dressed up for chemo some of the time, but you can bet there were days I showed up unshowered and in my pajamas. And don’t give the the chemo is different speech. I’ve been through chemo and I’ve been through life. Some days, life is just like chemo, and all spackle and glitter is not just shallow, superficial crap, it actually makes it worse. The one thing we all have way too much of is judgement. Lets all just back off a bit.
Yes, I’m aware that being judgmental about people who are judgmental is hypocritical. Life can be a bit frustrating that way. I don’t care how other people dress – I do care how they treat each other. I’m curious about the request that people not judge for primping. Are people really being judged for primping, or is it about the superficial attitude? The sweetest woman in the world can walk in dressed to the nines and no one thinks twice about it, and no on thinks any less of her. It’s not about being dressed up. But you can be sure that when a woman walks in with an attitude that she is better than everyone else because of the way she’s dressed, she will be noticed. and discussed. at length.
I agree, Judy. I care far less about how well or badly other people dress than I do about how they treat me. Its fine for someone to judge my appearance. Its also fine for me to judge their attitude. :)
Hi I’m Shannon and I am a dirty mom. You said you wondered why you see us “Dirty Moms” picking up our kids and running errands in our sweatpants and baseball caps, so I thought maybe I could clarify things for you.
For the record, I also enjoy all the things you mentioned in your article like buying makeup, daily showering, cool, hip clothes and my outer appearance at 9am dropping off my son is not necessarily a reflection of my “inner beauty” as you stated your put together appearance is. I do, however, assure you that browsing the makeup counter and trying on clothes in a dressing room the size of a crate can be quite trying with two little boys and while you would rather “buy lipstick than anything else”, I would rather treat my children to a movie and buy a new item for my house all while proudly wearing my faded black yoga pants and my hair in a ponytail.
You said that you are proud or your life and who you are so you “get up each morning before your kids wake up, to shower, shave your legs, apply makeup, get dressed, and put on jewelry”. I can tell you that I am quite proud of my life and my ability to run a household while my husband works about 65-70 hours a week and every morning I set my alarm to “get up before the kids” but inevitably I am awoken by one of my boys , climbing into bed and wanting cuddle time. I will take 15 minutes of cuddling with my kids over a shower any day of the week. I will also take a glass of wine at the end of a long day over a shower any day of the week, as well.
I was also raised to look my best and I’m not sure who you are afraid of running into when you leave the house but I, myself, have never been caught off guard with a chance encounter with Bradley Cooper or the President of the United State in the aisles of Wegman’s or Giant. I do however, run into my youngest son’s preschool teacher at times and I don’t think she looks down on me because of my comfy attire. My parents never would have told me as a teenager that “I didn’t have enough lipstick on to leave the house”, they would have said, your face is way to pretty to have all that makeup on and I would have left the house that day with my head held a little higher then the day before.
I am glad that you feel more productive and motivated when you are “primped up” even if you are not leaving the house. Call me crazy, but I just don’t see the efficiency in vacuuming and dusting in high heels and a string of pearls like I am freaking June Cleaver. By the way, 1950 called and they want their cliche back.
Society does judge a person on their outside appearance and you said “like it or not”. Well, I am not going to like it. I am not going to encourage my children to value themselves or anyone else for that matter by the way they look. They are going to greet and view the person with no hair because of chemotherapy the same way they would greet a supermodel and I think they will be better, kinder souls because of it. They will always understand that they are fortunate for everything they have and that includes the nice new clothes and shoes they wear every day and they also understand that many people are not afforded such things.
I am glad that getting done up each day makes you feel good about yourself. I firmly believe that everyone, especially a mother, needs to do what makes them happy. You stated in your article that you don’t think that you are better than any other mom that doesn’t shower for 3 days but I can’t help but feel that the undertone of your article is saying something very different.
Don’t apologize for not wanting to join our club, us “dirty moms” tend to get distracted by shiny things like jewelry and new leather boots, so it’s probably for the best, because we certainly don’t need any additional distractions from taking a shower.
Beautifully said, Shannon.
This response is perfection.
You nailed it!!
Yes, this! Also, as far as the author saying she wishes things were like the old days when moms got all fancy every day, I WISH all I had to do each day was take care of the kids, cook dinner and keep the house clean like June Cleaver did. Maybe then I would have more time to get pretty every day, even when not leaving the house. But no, I have to do all of what June did, and more, while working full time too! It’s exhausting and I never feel like I am doing a good enough job at any of it. Thanks to articles like these, I can add one more thing to the list of things I’m failing at.
“My parents never would have told me as a teenager that “I didn’t have enough lipstick on to leave the house”, they would have said, your face is way to pretty to have all that makeup on and I would have left the house that day with my head held a little higher then the day before.”
Yes.
Lovely post Shannon!
OMG I just fell in love with you:
“Well, I am not going to like it. I am not going to encourage my children to value themselves or anyone else for that matter by the way they look. They are going to greet and view the person with no hair because of chemotherapy the same way they would greet a supermodel and I think they will be better, kinder souls because of it.”
This response is perfect!! I couldn’t have said it better myself!
PREACH!
Um…Birkenstocks? That so does not fit in with the rest of what you’ve said! Just teasing a little.
I understand totally where you are coming from, even if it does not totally apply to me. I also feel better with a nice outfit on and a more polished look, but many days it does not happen.
I wonder how much it has to do with the fact that we, having been made mothers through pregnancy, are sort of lacking in cute clothes that fit us right. While thinking about how this article relates to me, that popped into my head.
I really don’t think anyone should take this personally. It’s kind of silly.
Also, while I’m taking the time to leave a comment, it would be fantastic if people would stop leaving the phrase “word” after someone else says some snotty thing they’d like to say but will not. Just a thought.
Thanks for dressin’ up and all. We really appreciate it. Would it be too much truble for y’all to slut it up once in a while too?
I mean if you are not going to be dirty mom’s great , but would it be too much trouble for you to go one step further and be Dirty MILF’s that would be awesome….kthxbai
HA!
Its nice for you that you can do something for yourself that helps you feel good. Its too bad you had to make that statement by labeling women who don’t do what you do as “dirty.” As women we deal with so many who attempt to define who and what we are by throwing labels at us. Slut. Fat. Bitch. Whore. Lazy. Frigid. I don’t mind reading about what you do that supports your self esteem, but I *do* mind that you feel the need to attach a judgmental tag on other women who don’t do the same.
I ride horses. Some of the best days in my life have me covered in sweat, horsehair, and blowing arena dirt out of my nose. Before I remarried I was a single mom with special needs kids who barely had time to go get a haircut for myself much less make sure I left the house on a Saturday morning with makeup on. I know who I am and I love who I am. I like to put on makeup and perfume and be girly, and I love to put on my boots and my jeans and my leather gloves and go tell a two-ton animal where to put his feet. Either way, I think I’m beautiful and desirable and thankfully I don’t need permission from you to feel that way.
First of all… I don’t have kids. I’m a married woman who works about 50 hours a week but I’m not a mom.
I get what the author is saying. For me, when I look good, I feel good. I LIKE getting dressed up to run errands, I PREFER wearing sundresses and heels to jeans and sweatshirts. It’s completely about me and I like that. I own it. I don’t leave the house without lipstick and mascara and I LIKE that about me. I am more comfortable running into someone unexpectedly and in general, my cardinal rule for clothing is that its better to be over-dressed than under-dressed and I think that’s fine. I learned that from my mom and someday I hope to instill that same pride in your appearance to my children.
There is NOTHING WRONG with wanting to look nice. It’s a GOOD THING to want to present something attractive to the world. It shows respect for yourself and for the people you are around. Pajamas are for home, clothes are for out of the house. Is that really such a foreign concept? Why are we vilifying this woman for simply making an effort to look nice?
I think you’re missing the point. People aren’t vilifying her for looking nice. They’re upset because she is labeling other moms who don’t do the same thing she does as “dirty.”
Susannah,
I wholeheartedly agree that there is nothing wrong with wanting to present to the world your version of attractive, whether it’s heels, elegant threads, coiffed hair, or a nice manicure. I would never vilify someone for doing so if that is part of what makes her a happy and confident person.
However, for someone to judge me because makeup and dresses are neither a priority nor something that makes me happy is NOT okay. I’m only speaking for myself, but the problem I have with the author is she seems to have a judgmental tone with those who don’t feel that being dressed up is a priority.
Dressing up and lipstick is “completely about [you] and [you] like that.” That’s awesome. Own it, as you say. However there is also nothing wrong with NOT wanting to be dressy and done up.
Sometimes I leave the house in sweats and no makeup. I like that about me, and there is nothing wrong with that, either. I’m a good person. I try to treat people nicely. I go to work and I pay my bills. In the end, this is my truth, and that’s all that matters. Lets not forget that there are many truths in this world, not just the one.
I think we can all agree that getting dolled up makes all feel pretty, be it for a date night or a trip to the grocery store. For me, the issue is calling those of who pick up our kids at school or run to the grocery story “dirty moms”…
Ok. I think the term “dirty” is a bit much…and is really the cause of all the feather ruffling. I don’t like that TERM…but I do agree with the sentiment.
I am a full-time working mom. I have to dress biz casual every day because I am a teacher.
I tend to believe what good old Clinton and Stacy preach on What Not To Wear: what you put out there is what people make their first judgement based on. That is just the harsh truth. And I would go a step further to say that it models for your children (and in my case, my students) what is appropriate for when/where.
I don’t care if I am at the Gap and I see a mom in yoga pants and a pony tail. As long as she looks clean and doesn’t stink. If she is “put together”.
People ask me all the time why I think teens today have so little regard for their looks. They are all either dressing as sluts or as slobs. i invite them to come to parent/teacher conferences where the parents are also dressed as either sluts or slobs.
If we don’t model what is appropriate for public, how are our kids going to learn?
That said, if you have no where to go, slap on yesterday’s sweats and go to it. That is your house. You do what you want there, yo.
Yes. Exactly.
I understand the “dirty mom” mentality. I like to be dressed when I leave, but have on many occasions taken a whores bath with a baby wipe when I haven’t had time to shower. I have a baby who doesn’t let me put her down and I don’t believe in the COY method so I do what I have to do. I don’t let it go longer then one day without a shower but some days after being up all night and having to get up at 4:45am to get everyone ready before I go to work only to not get home till 6:00pm… There are times when I do sleep in a bit and throw the hair into a tasteful work ponytail and go to work sans shower.
Oh, I’m sorry…I am a dirty mom.
I have 4 kids – ages 13, 11, 3 and 8 weeks.
I am lucky if they are all sleeping at the same time.
I am lucky if I get to pee in private.
Can you imagine how happy I would be if I could take a shower every day like I could once before?
I try to look my best when going out in public but some days my best is a tshirt & yoga pants because nothing fits me the correct way right now.
Personally, I could care less what others think of me when they bump into me in public.
I will gladly give up a shower in order to get more sleep since I consider myself lucky to nab 4 hours of sleep at night.
I will gladly give up the fancy clothes and trade them for something comfy that I don’t care if I get something on it while doing something fun with my preschooler or being spit up on by my newborn.
For me, I don’t need to get dressed up to the nines every day to feel good about myself….I did that for 27 years and it didn’t make me feel better than I do right now sitting in something comfortable surrounded by my children having a good time.
I will gladly take comfort over glam.
My husband could care less what I look like or what I am wearing….he married me for the person I am on the inside, not by what I look like on the outside.
When we do get the occasional night out of the house together I do dress to impress because it is a special occasion but I am not about to give up more of the very small amount of alone time I get in order to put on make up to go to the grocery store, or get dressed nice to drive my kids to school.
So, what I am trying to say is I don’t mind being a “dirty mom” because it is worth it to me!
Birkenstocks? Seriously? Maybe for you next post you can rave about your super-cool Crocs while telling other women to get a style boost. LOL
Having not read any of the comments and only JUST the article. I have to agree AND disagree. My mom always taught me to look good as well. If I came out of my room dressed in something that didn’t work right for my body or something else she would say so and make a suggestion for what I could do to improve. She’d suggest accessories that would help make the out fit.
Personally… I’m a jeans and tee shirt kinda girl. Most of the time I couldn’t care less. Why would the fact that I’m wearing earrings or NOT wearing earrings make any difference on what someone thinks of me?
BUT there are days when I FEEL like dressing myself up. These are the days I get out of bed earlier and do the hair/make up/pretty dress thing. I don’t have a better day because I’m dressed up. I don’t have a worse day when I don’t put the extra time into my appearance. More people notice me when I’m dressed up… and some days I need/want the extra boost it gives me.
Last night I watched Justified… and I stayed up till 11 watching the encore. This morning I was slow to rise. My hair went in a pony tail. I’m wearing blue cords a nice work shirt (I work in an office) and comfy shoes, no make up, no jewelry, chap stick because my lips are chapped. I’ve had as productive a day today as I did yesterday when I dressed up for Valentines Day.
I’m a single mom. Some days it’s highly important to me to look good and feel good… some days I wake up and think about the fact that my puppy is going to chew my shoes to smithereens while I’m at work and before I get a chance to wear them… I’m most likely going to get a phone call from my sons teacher that day… and I’m going to be comfortable all day long while I stew about this stuff… and I’m NOT going to add to that by having to worry about rubbing my mascara/eye liner across my face or should I touch up my lip stick.
Call me sloppy. Look at me weird when I drop my kid off at school. I’m okay with that.
If someone analyzing what I wear to drop my son off at preschool, then yes, I’m a “dirty mom.” Personally, I don’t want to be friends with or associate with anyone who would judge me based on this. When I have somewhere to go, I know how to look nice, but for me, that extra hour in the morning is another hour I can be earning money or doing something with my kids. Hopefully I’m keeping the judgmental mom’s at arms length with my stylish mammoth Crocs and yoga pants.
I think another thing may also be that it seems so many people online seem to announce that they don’t bathe. I see tweets, blog posts and status updates all of the time about not showering, shaving legs,etc.
I’m even guilty of it, I was sick last week and blogged that I managed to shower but didn’t shave my legs for three days. I usually don’t share my grooming habits on the Internet but I did that day, so I guess we’re all pretty much guilty of it, and with the shrinking of the whole wide world into our magic computer boxes, we hear more of it.
I think we all need to take this post with a grain of salt and not get our own personal panties in a wad. I pretty much go by the mantra that when I see something online like this, unless it says “KIM TRIMBLE YOU’RE A DIRTY WHORE” it’s not about me.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta poop.
LOL making friends again?
Always. hehehe.
If you rearrange the letters, it does indeed say that I’m a dirty whore. Many, many times. I AM PISSED!!!!!!!!!!!
LOL !!!
Hahaha! Can you take a picture and tweet it for us?
Dude, I had garlic tonight. And broccoli. Let me wait til in the morning.
Hi. So, I’m a mom of a 3 yr old boy and I work full time. I shower every day, wash my oily hair everyday and put makeup on for work. I don’t wear makeup on weekends unless I’m going to an event/party. I don’t EVER wear pj pants in public and very, very rarely will you even catch me wearing sweatpants/yoga pants in public. Jeans and sneakers? Yes, like every day. Hoodies? Yes. As soon as I get home my work clothes come off and I get into something cozy and comfy. And on the weekends I wear what I like, what I’m comfortable in and what makes me feel good. I dress for ME. I’ve never been a make up person with the exception of lipgloss. I’ve always been a sneaker and jean type of girl and I still am. Does that make me a slob? I don’t think so. I have to agree that I SO don’t understand the pj pants in public thing because really, that’s just lazy in my opinion. But, everything else — If you’re comfortable the way you are then that’s all that matters. And that’s what I’ll teach my children as well. So I get part of your article, but I can also see how some of it might be a bit insulting. I agree with Shannon who said her mother would tell her she didn’t need all that make up and that natural beauty was best. Being hygienic and neat/clean doesn’t really have anything to do with make up or shaved legs. Taking care of your appearance doesn’t mean that you need to be made up. Just my little ol’ opinion!
If you don’t shower or brush your teeth or comb your hair or put on clean clothes… doesn’t that make you dirty? I mean, right? I go this route sometimes on the weekend. Roll out of bed, throw on whatever pair of yoga pants are on the floor, stay in the t-shirt I wore to bed, skip a shower, and you know what? I’m dirty. I stink. Especially by the end of the day.
Do I think you have to put on makeup and go full glam on the hair every day? No. Not if that is not what you are into, but I do think that being clean is a sign of respecting yourself.
I get what the author was trying to communicate. I don’t think she did a great job of it, but I do understand what she meant.
I can’t even imagine what kind of reaction I’ll get when I confess to not showering every day. My son is a legal adult now, and I don’t have to deal with the same things the mother of a small child (or multiple) had to deal with, but I still don’t shower every day because it’s not good for my skin!
In fact, you’d never even begin to consider me a “dirty” person, because I wear nice clothes that fit me well, but I don’t wash my hair more than once a week and I only shower twice a week (or as needed). Sometimes, I even (gasp) wear the same jeans and bras multiple days in a row!
I guess I must have a low self-esteem. You know, since I don’t wear makeup, don’t shower daily, don’t wash my hair daily… but, then, if I don’t smell bad, or you see me from a distance with groomed hair and a put-together outfit, I guess you won’t even notice the lack of makeup or anything else.
I think I take exception to the word “dirty” more than anything else. The real issue here is “unkempt”, which, to me, is even more nasty and judgmental. If we were talking about people who smell bad, that would be something else entirely, but we’re talking about people who don’t look… what? Acceptable? How dare you claim to be the expert on what acceptable is, particularly when talking about some of the hardest-working women on the planet.
We all choose our own priorities, and, frankly, “looking good” is a pretty subjective idea. I’m at the point in my life where I refuse to dress to impress the judgy women around me. I dress for myself in a manner that feels comfortable, both to wear, and in terms of reactions I may get from people who matter. I hope that women wrangling children are dressing in ways that allow them to best wrangle and play with their kids, and not to impress the snobby moms longing for “the old days”.
I’m so glad someone finally brought up that showering daily is bad for your skin and washing your hair daily is super bad for your hair. I shower 3-4 days a week and wash my hair usually twice a week. I’m not dirty or unkept I just take good care of my hair and skin.
All I have to say is “Amen.”
Here’s the thing that bothers me: even though you SAY that you don’t think you’re better than the “dirty moms,” the tone of this article clearly indicates that you do think you’re better. My daughter goes to a school where there is significant poverty. Moms who freak about neat kids teach their children that there is something wrong with kids who aren’t neat. What if they don’t have unstained clothes? We just don’t know what’s going on with people, and I truly believe that we should be gracious, loving and understanding.
I am not a mom, nor am I married. So take my opinion with a grain of salt. I am a big fan of yoga pants, sweat pants, t-shirts, and sweatshirts. 95% of the time I don’t brush my hair, but I style it daily (my curls just work better that way). I wear glasses occasionally (scratch that, a lot of the time), and don’t wear make up all the time either. I do however make sure that I look presentable while in public. I do run into people I know most places I run errands. You don’t even need fancy clothes to look presentable. A pear of jeans and a t-shirt will work just fine. If your hair is starting to cake to your head, it’s probably time to do something about that too. You want to show the world that you have a family, juggle schedules like crazy, and can still manage to take care of yourself. Just because the author would rather glam herself up than wear pajama pants in public does not make her a bad mother or person. And just because you would rather sleep or spend time with your kiddos than put makeup on or comb your hair does not make you a bad mother or person either. The point is you should be doing something every day that makes YOU feel good. The author brings up a valid argument, and I appreciate her honesty. Whether you like it or not, and whether you agree with it or not, she said something that a lot of people in society are thinking…
i agree that you should look PRESENTABLE, at least. there’s all kinds of time-saving tricks so that you can look good when you go out. instead of judging, how about sharing some of your tricks, and share your routine? i think that’d be a heck of a lot more helpful than stereotyping.
i personally shower the night before, doing all of the shower essentials, and i’m done in 10 minutes, with shaven legs (thank you schick intuition razors!), i throw my extremely long, wet hair into a bun or a braid, and in the morning all i have to do is untie it, and i have really cute waves, and i didn’t even have to use a curling iron. that gives me time to slap on a 5-minute face, brush my teeth, and get dressed. it takes just as much time to put on a pair of jeans as it does sweatpants. hell, you can even wear yesterday’s leggings, and throw a pair of boots over them with a tunic & cardigan, and you instantly look cute. that is my go-to outfit. & i walk out of the house every day with my head held high, and i feel good about myself.
but that’s just it, that’s ME, that’s MY personality, and MY routine. not every woman see’s beauty that way, and not every women finds those things necessary. who are you to judge how ANY woman carries herself. women should be empowering each other, not knocking each other down.
you can’t possibly know what goes on in every woman’s life. that women in a baseball cap? she might have lost all of her hair from cancer. that woman in a tee-shirt? that might be the only clean thing she owns. those women without makeup? they might be allergect to makeup, and not be able to wear any.
SO if you don’t know what goes on in each woman’s home, i don’t think it’s right to lump them all into a category such as a “dirty mom”.
i sincerely doubt the author is going out looking like one of the “real housewives.” those women are RICH, and have professional help to not only get them ready, but take care of their kids. i’d look like a million bucks too if i had someone doing my hair & makeup for me, while someone else is making my kids’ lunches and getting them off to school.
so to say that women who don’t wake up at the butt-crack of dawn to pile on lipstick to go to the grocery store are “dirty”, that’s insane. there’s your form of “dirty”- the sweatpants & hair in a ponytail, and then there’s DIRTY- which to me is B.O, and noticeably dirty clothing and appearance. i think you’re quite exaggerating with the term DIRTY.
I think that what you are saying at the beginning of your comment is what the author was trying to say – that it doesn’t always take much and you can still look and feel good.
I agree 100% Amy!!!
Tarah you said it perfectly !! *claps*
i agree, i think that was what she was trying to get at, but her delivery was definitely off.
Wow. I will never teach my daughter that she has to look a certain way before leaving the house. There is something to be said for self-respect and I wil teach her that. But I will not teach her that she needs to hide behind her appearance when she goes out in public. Her personality is what makes her “clean” and not “dirty”. You can dress down and still look presentable. Don’t judge based on what you were taught or what your standard is. make-up, clothes, jewelry don’t make a person who she is, but how she behaves and what she says. It comes from the inside and not the outside. What kind of attitude are you trying to disguise with your make-up, jewelry and clothing???
Wow. What a NASTY way to live, judging other women you know nothing of based on what they’re wearing and how much make up they’ve applied.
I thought this website was about promoting women to go beyond the surface. Curvy Girl Guide. You know, accepting curvy girls and skinny and tall and short. But not the ones in sweats and no make up. Judge away.
Perhaps they have showered and are looking better than they were (in holy pants and tank with no bra, covered in child vomit). Perhaps they’re looking worse because of something that happened that you know nothing of.
Or perhaps it’s their decision how much makeup they wear. Because though it is for you, life is not a performance for us all. SO get off my t*ts and stop judging us. Maybe if you worried less about what those around you looked like, you’d feel less compelled to instill the same warped way of living on your own children.
Based on that author pic, though, I’d say you aren’t the prettiest girl in the grocery store even with your lipstick. SORRY, but who represnets themselve online with a flash-washed out self photo? Have some self respect. My mom taught me something about that…
Oh WAIT A MINUTE!
So you say not to judge by outward appearance,, then you go and make fun of her picture? That’s kind of hypocritical, doncha think?
I was hoping the someone would address that fact, Kim. Crystal….that was just plain rude, nasty and ugly. To make fun of someone like that just makes a person ugly no matter how many showers or how clean their clothes are. There is NOTHING wrong with taking an extra FIVE mins to actually put on some jeans or pants without knit in them and look PRESENTABLE to the world. It increases your OWN self worth. I can not stand seeing women of any age over 15 out in their pajama pants looking like a slob. Seriously!?! Put some freaking clothes on!
There is also nothing wrong with NOT taking 5 minutes any day to make yourself “presentable” to another person’s standards,
Haha, I’m actually glad someone thought the same thing I did. While reading this self righteous garble I figured at the bottom I would see a picture of a polished, pretty(albeit snobbish) girl. Not so-for someone so into their own looks, the haircut/color and lip color is all wrong…and it’s pretty obvious this is a person who wouldn’t fare well going au natural in the makeup department.
Hmm… I am with you on the makeup. I love new make up. It thrills me. Of course, I bathe at least every other day. I have to was my hair every twenty four hour or I feel dirty. Now, having said this, I am a mommy now and even though I do feel better about myself when I am made up– my kids don’t care what I look like. So what is a little houswife frump? I am becoming more and more comfortable with the idea of simplicity. I don’t have to feel like a beauty queen everyday.
For me its just one more thing “to do” in the morning. If it gets done then great but if it doesn’t Im not going to get my panty in a bunch. Sometimes I also leave the house without eating breakfast, or having coffee. And sometimes I leave the house without checking my e-mail. In a perfect world I would love to look great all the time but if it means I am yelling at my children, or completely ignoring them I choose to look like a “dirty mom”.
This article makes me sad. Not because the author needs to primp and spend cash on fashion to feel good about herself, but because she seems to genuinely believe that we should all feel the same way. What I deserve – and what I think we all deserve – is to follow our own paths. I do not want to waste vast sums of money and time on makeup or shoes. I’d rather buy books, or craft supplies, or save for a great family vacation. What makes ME feel good is education, creativity and culture. I realize that other people value lipsticks and glamour and that’s fine. It’s what keeps things interesting. My husband loves me and finds me attractive just the way I am. I find it absurd that you could think you know my husband better than I do, just because he’s a man. We just aren’t all cut from one cloth and I married someone who not only doesn’t care that I don’t wear makeup, but is probably thankful.
If you TRULY believe that we shouldn’t judge each other on appearance (regardless of what other people believe), you wouldn’t write articles like this. Plus, I’d like to challenge the mistken concept that a completely made-up face and processed hair is somehow cleaner than staying natural.
but because she seems to genuinely believe that we should all feel the same way
^ This was the part that rubbed me wrong about this whole piece.
I’m dirty and proud.
If I don’t run or work out, I probably don’t shower. Granted, I run or work out at least every other day so my personal hygiene is still pretty much a non-issue, but we’re talking the 5-minute, in-and-out, Pert Plus and Dial kind of shower. I like to save water.
I only like to doll up for dates. It makes it more special that I make myself look good for my husband, and not for any and every passerby at the supermarket. Not saying I walk around in beer and ketchup-stained t-shirts, but my husband knows I only put heels on for him and I think he prefers it that way. I mean, it’s special to me, anyway, when my husband saves his good sports coat for nights out with me!
So you “clean” moms can keep your lipstick and hair dye, but if you ask me, the more you do to yourselves, the worse you look. I never got more compliments from coworkers than the morning I went straight from a run to work. I literally took a baby wipe “bath” in the restrooms at the park, slapped on some mascara, dried my hair under the hand dryer, put on my work clothes and drove. Everyone thought I looked like I had just been out sunbathing! So, like I said. Dirty and Proud :)
How can you ask us not to judge you for primping when you are judging everyone else for NOT primping?
I was nodding my head yes the whole time I was reading this article. Not because I dress up in sparkly earrings, fancy clothes or perfectly applied lipstick every day, but because I happen to think that showering every day and putting on my “going out of the house clothes” is a way to show myself (and others around me) that I do matter and that I do care how I look and in turn, I feel good about myself.
To be honest, the comments shocked me.
My guess is that people got caught up in the specifics – the wearing makeup and L’oreal Paris and my mother made a comment about needing more lipstuff on…. when maybe they should just see that she is trying to say that taking time for herself helps her feel good, great even and that it only takes a second to put on clean clothes and throw some lipstick on.
A commenter above said she doesn’t shower every day, in fact only a few times a week, plus she only washes her hair once a week, but that you would never know she was a dirty girl because she gets dressed in nice clothes that fit her well every day. EXACTLY! (I dis-regarded the rest of what she said, because it all seemed a little contradictory to me) . It just takes that little effort.
Seriously, people can argue that a hot shower and clean clothes makes them NOT feel good???
There are of course exceptions to this “rule”, the gym instance, the quickly running to the store when I am in the middle of cleaning the bathroom instance, the no-sleep but have to take my kids to school soon and I am too tired at this second instance…etc. Don’t be naive enough to think that the author has never left her house a little enkempt herself, lets be serious.
Remember that she can only make you feel judged and inferior if you let her. I’m certain that was not her intention, but if you don’t want to shower every day (or ever, for that matter!) and want to wear your pajamas every where, fine. But own it. Don’t make excuses, because the bottom line is, you make that choice. Just like she makes the choice not to.
This is exactly what I wanted to say – but you said it so much better!!!!!
Amy, very well said. There’s NOTHING wrong with taking an extra 5mins out of a crazy day to put on a pair of pants without some kind of knit in them to look PRESENTABLE to the world.
I can’t believe how nasty some women have become and just plain ugly with their words.
I actually have SEVERAL issues with this. I love makeup and doing my hair too. When my 2 1/2 year old have somewhere to go, I make myself presentable. But why in the world would I do all this and waste my product and “public” clothes when I’m going to running around the house all day with him, in constricting clothes, that are just going to get snot and food and sweat on them? Why is she judging what we do in our personal lives? Usually I get my time to take a shower, and brush my teeth and do all that “girly stuff” after my son goes to bed (finally!) And some nights, I’m just too damn tired. But that, in no way whatsoever means my son’s hygiene goes to shit. He gets his bath every other night, he brushes his teeth several times during the day, and he loves to wash his hands and face. He doesn’t go out in dirty clothes regardless of who he’s with. So where does this woman get off thinking she understands every other mom’s situation or what goes on in someones private home, and who is she to judge? I’m so sick of us mom’s not supporting each other and the constant vicious judgments, one-upping, and general nitpicking. Damn.
You had me at Ulta!!
My mother and one of my sisters are like the author and her mother, or as I put it “can’t go to the mailbox without full hair and make up women.” This is so not me and never has been. My mother and I went rounds for years when I was a teen because she couldn’t understand that her tomboy little girl wasn’t going to turn into a girly girl teeny-bopper. She hated that I would wear jeans, t-shirts, and pony tails daily with little to no make up. (oh my mom was even a MaryKay lady while I was a teen)
Now I am a full-time working mom, a nurse, with a chronic illness and a special needs child. While my scrubs for work are neat, stylish and well-fitted, my hair is in a bun or pony and I do not wear make-up because I would just sweat it off in the process of doing my job. I rarely wear make-up outside of work because to me it just seems like too much trouble to do something I hate to do just to look better to strangers at Wall-Mart.
My opinion here goes with my opinion on most things – do what works and feels best for you. As long as it is not hurting anyone else I am okay with it. So if you feel naked or “dirty” with out your do and makey then do what you need to do, but please don’t judge me as lazy or “dirty” because I don’t feel the way you do.
I am a dirty mom. I shower when I feel like I smell. I don’t brush my hair every day. *cringe* I don’t brush my teeth every day. *cringe* My son will be two in May and the only time I have time to myself is at night when he is asleep. My husband is an EMT and has 24 hour shifts at a time. His OTHER job is an EMT at our county Jail where he works from early in the morning to early in the morning…. He literally has one day off all week and it is usually spent grocery shopping because we have one car. I am not a dirty mom by choice, I am a dirty mom because my family needs me to be. When my husband is home he is sleeping and can’t help me with our son. And no,before someone says he needs to help, he is not being a bad husband, he never gets sleep and I would rather him sleep at home than die on his way to a 911 call when he is at work because he fell asleep at the wheel. My son will take a nap for maybe twenty minutes a day, he is pretty much a firecracker from the minute he wakes up,right up until he falls asleep. By the way, he has to have my hair wrapped in his little grubby, sweaty, adorable hand when he is falling asleep. So, needless to say my hair…looks like hell… allllll the time. I do take “hooker baths” when I need to, and I do take showers every week. There is only so much a person can do during the day though, and usually, you end up looking like hell. Yes, I look good with make up on. My hair is FUCKING amazing thanks to Brittany Gibbons hair-how-to, I just never have time to fix it. I like being the wife of a wonderful man that saves lives every single day, the mommy to a beautiful, sticky, loud, annoying, adorable son. And if that makes me a dirty mom…so be it. If you want to judge me, tell it to my face, because I won’t care. My son is always dressed and clean, he always brushes his cute, sharp little teeth…just like I always wear pj pants or yoga pants at home; usually what I fell asleep in the night before is my outfit for the next day. Oh, and yes, I may look like I’ve been on a week long bender, but my husband still loves me. In fact, he hates when I take the time out of our one day together to try to put on makeup before we go to town. He likes me dirty…(har har). I don’t think other “dirty” moms are bad, just as I don’t think moms who get fancy everyday are bad. If you are okay with what ever you do, do it. Me? I’ll continue being “dirty,” because hey, at least I can just put on some more deodorant and smell good.
I can understand someone thinking this way… but not having the cluelessness to actually post it in a public space. For the love of God! Your mom boosted your self esteem by telling you you needed more lipstick? Yeah. I need not say more.
Though you give some minor caveat about single moms, working moms, (or single and full time working moms who are frankly, many of us) etc – I am from your comments pretty sure you don’t understand anything about the challenges and hence how incredibly lame this diatribe comes off – to label it DIRTY MOMS – holy hell what a mean girl you come across as here :(
The point is this — Be kind unto everyone, in thought as well as action, as every one is likely fighting some battle or another. Being a mom is hard enough without being judged by other moms – you KNOW there are areas you could likewise be judged in I’m quite sure (as none of us are perfect). Please women can’t we stick together and not squabble over such utterly piddly matters?
I think one big problem with this is the assumption that every woman feels the same way about her appearance. Sure, some of these ‘dirty moms’ may be depressed. Sure, some moms who primp may be shallow. But not ALL – not even close to all of them – do. Why can’t we give each other the benefit of the doubt?
Also, while it may be true that perception and appearance and first impressions and attractiveness are important in our society in general, it is also true that many women would love for that to change so they don’t want to participate in perpetuating it. Why can’t both parties respect one another. 1 is trying to play the game to get to where they want to be in life (whether it’s some big achievement or just daily self-pride), the other is trying to change the game (or at least participate in the change) – both can be noble efforts that may lead to fulfillment and happiness.
I recall a conversation I had with a friend not too long ago. She is thin and blonde and beautiful, in her late 30′s (sort of) and is obsessed with her (very few) wrinkles. I told her, “But this is what women are supposed to look like at 37. The stuff you see on TV and in magazines and in Newport Beach is not. A world with pressure for everyone to look the same or for women to be so competitive and self-critical (and judgmental of others), with unrealistic expectations (literally changing reality) comes with a lot of negative consequences. Do you really want to participate in that world by getting surgery or botox? Be a part of a movement that could be better for women in the long run.” Her response was, “I love that movement. I want that movement to win. I love those who participate in it. But I cannot. I have to do what works for me right now and what works for me is to get ahead in my career and to stay confident and my confidence depends on my looks and I’m not able to or maybe just not ready to change that. I have to do what works for me in the here and now.” And that is so true. I have to respect that. For me, personally, I respect the women who are active participants in changing the stereotypes MORE. But that doesn’t erase my respect for her. They can co-exist.
Although I don’t think it was the author’s intent, the article does come off as judgmental. AND CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE acknowledge the distinction between not doing full makeup and hair, and being *dirty*?? Makeup is not hygiene. I rarely wear anything but mascara, and that’s only because without it I look like an albino. Also, I have some congenital condition that causes makeup to slide off my face as soon as I get in the car. Even though I may have lost patience with my hair and twisted it up with a pencil or a (unused) chopstick, I am clean and don’t smell anything like a hobo.
Duly noted, Tanya. Great point!
Exactly. I may look like a hobo, but just because I don’t wake up 30 minutes before my son every morning for a shower, dosn’t mean I smell like one. And…I like wearing slouchy ball
caps…I kinda look hot in them.
I haven’t felt the need to make sure I am perfectly made up when I leave my house since high school. Do I drop my son off at school in “pajamas?” Yes, bc my pajamas are yoga pants and a tshirt. Do I shower before I drop him off? Not always bc I have a house free to myself for 3 hours and take my time to bathe then. Am I dirty when I take him? No, it’s not like I go out and work in the hot sun causing myself to sweat all day. I work in an office typing. Have I ever been told that I look unpresentable when I am not dressed like a priss, have no make up on, and have my hair in a ponytail? Never, in 31 years, have I been told that I should put on make up or change my clothes. I have been told that I am absolutely stunning with no makeup and how refreshing it is to see someone who isn’t trying too hard to be beautiful with accessories. My husband is more turned on seeing me in loungewear and no makeup than he is when I am made up. None of this means I’m not a girly girl. I get weekly pedicures and regularly get my eyebrows waxed. I don’t dye my hair. I wear glasses when my eyes are irritated by my contacts.
The author of this story reminds me of Hilly and her group of friends from The Help. As long as someone wore the “right” clothes and associated with the “right” people they were considered better than the less fortunate of Jackson. However many of the women used the hair, makeup, and clothes to hide the ugliness in their lives. While I Don’t, repeat DON’T, think the author is hiding something with the make up and clothes, I believe she is buying into the front that if a person is made up and dressed well they are a better person.
I think the thing that bugs about this is that you SAY you aren’t looking down on “dirty moms”. But, you kind of are.
You SOUND like you’re judging for not being quite as fancy as you are at 8am, or whenever kiddie drop off is. And you SOUND like you’re judging for wearing sweats and baseball caps. And you kind of sound like maybe you’re judging for not squeezing in time they may or not have for not getting up early to primp and zhush the hair.
I think it’s FINE to be proud of being a girly girl and a make up whore. I happen to be both as well. HOWEVER, I am also a pajama pants wearer. That doesn’t make me less than you because *you* don’t think it’s appropriate. If I am comfortable leaving the house in sweats and a baseball cap, then how you feel about it is invalid. And whether I’m wearing a face full of makeup OR my bummy sweats, I’m going to treat everyone that I come into contact with the exact same way: with respect. Because that’s how I roll.
Also? YES. There’s a saying about never having a 2nd chance to make a first impression. But I have a saying for you as well, maybe you’ve heard of it?
Never judge a book by it’s cover.
When I first read this article, I thought that maybe it was a regional thing. I mean, I teach at a college, and most of my colleagues wear minimal make-up, but we’re always dressed business casual (and clean). And I’ve come to notice that in my peer group here, in the mid-west, there isn’t a lot of make-up wearing. There is some – mostly mascara and foundation/powder – but just not a lot, and minimal jewelry as well.
Presentable is relative. What I find presentable may be over-dressed for one and under-dressed for another.
I personally don’t believe the author posted to be cruel and judgmental. I read it that she felt like she was judged for doing what she felt was normal, and many of us in turned felt judged for not sharing her same value of appearance. This was a great reflection piece even though I think it veered off the original intent.
I have a good friend who considers “presentable” to be fixed hair and minimal makeup. She struggles with her hair in its natural state and has gotten many compliments on her eyes when she wears a little mascara and the right lip gloss. This makes HER feel good. She knows I do maybe a 2 minute makeup routine for work, so my weekend “presentable” is clean teeth and brushed hair. She has never thought that I didn’t look presentable even though our processes differed.
There are things that make me feel good about myself. Wearing clothes that fit properly for me, a fresh pedicure in flip flops, and a good hair day. But sometimes I leave the house looking disheveled, even in my own opinion, but it doesn’t make me feel like I am less of a person. And my “feel good” things may not be the same as yours. And that is fine.
What was great about this article, which was largely missed by the commenting and even the author, was the opportunity to look inward and find what makes us happy and deciding to aim to get to that point as often as possible. Whether it be full makeup, a good long shower, pants that have been washed this month, or whatever. And when we are happy, truly happy, we judge others less, right?
Says the girl sitting in her office not showered in 30 hours.
I am not a mom, but I am the daughter of a woman who could have been deemed a “dirty mom.” So I would like to give all the moms out there – dirty and not – the child’s perspective, and not just the child-child, but the grown-up reflections of an adult child.
It was extremely embarrassing to me that I had a dirty mom. All the other moms were polished – or if they were dorky and not polished, they still tried. My mother didn’t even do that. She would wear clothing that was ripped, had paint splatters all over it (she did a lot of home-improvement work, painting, etc), fit poorly and was generally unkempt. Her hair was a mess all the time. Sometimes she smelled bad.
She vocalized a lot of the reasons that I’ve read here in the comment section, but there were a lot of unspoken reasons for her lack of personal care. She said, “Why should you care what those other people think? I don’t.” But the truth was, she did care – she cared a LOT. Her self esteem was so far down the toilet that she didn’t think it was worth trying. She didn’t think that SHE was worth it. She was self conscious of her weight, of the fact that she had thin hair, that we didn’t have a lot of money so she didn’t have the expensive clothes. She just assumed that those other women would like her – she never gave them a chance, and as a result never gave herself a chance. (As an adult, I have on occasion had the chance to speak to these other mothers, and I have come to the conclusion that my mother’s assumptions about them couldn’t have been further from the truth.)
It never occurred to her what message she was sending to me and my sister. The message she was sending was this:
“Anyone who takes care of themselves thinks they’re better than you. And they are. They’re better than you and they know it. There’s no point in trying to look nice, or to take care of yourself, because they’re never going to accept us anyway. They’re vain and snobby. You’re not vain and snobby, are you? So why would you want to look like them?”
My mother never taught me how to shave my legs, because she felt if fell into the above category, so I have to fumble through all that on my own for several years. My mother never took me bra shopping because she felt if fell into the above category (despite the fact that I developed early), and so I had to do with ill-fitting second-hand bras from an older friend and the ill-fitting bras I bought on my own at the outlet mall, never getting sized because I was too ashamed of my changing body to get a fitting. My mother never taught me how to put on makeup or properly care for my skin because she felt if fell into the above category – I was in my late 20s before I finally figured out makeup.
My mother’s disregard for self-presentation left me at a severe disadvantage when I began my professional life. She paid no attention to the way she dressed or her hair, so she paid no attention to mine. I had no female role model to turn to for advice on how to dress for work. It took me ten years to get to a point where I know what is appropriate and what is not.
Mothers: if you do not take the time to take care of yourselves, you are showing your daughters that you don’t love or respect yourself. It’s not about vanity, it’s about self-respect. How will your daughters learn to love their bodies and respect themselves, if their biggest female role model (you!) doesn’t do the same?
You might think your kids don’t notice. They DO.
You might think your kids don’t care. They DO.
You might not think that it affects your kids. It DOES.
Mothers, I get that your first priority is your kids, and that sometimes you just don’t have time to take care, etc. Trust me, by paying attention to your hygiene and yourself, you will be prioritizing not only yourself but your kids as well.
Signed,
Adult Daughter of a formerly Dirty Mom
CORRECTION: I can’t edit my comment, and I just noticed a typo in the third paragraph. Please see below for the edited paragraph:
She vocalized a lot of the reasons that I’ve read here in the comment section, but there were a lot of unspoken reasons for her lack of personal care. She said, “Why should you care what those other people think? I don’t.” But the truth was, she did care – she cared a LOT. Her self esteem was so far down the toilet that she didn’t think it was worth trying. She didn’t think that SHE was worth it. She was self conscious of her weight, of the fact that she had thin hair, that we didn’t have a lot of money so she didn’t have the expensive clothes. She just assumed that those other women WOULDN’T like her – she never gave them a chance, and as a result never gave herself a chance. (As an adult, I have on occasion had the chance to speak to these other mothers, and I have come to the conclusion that my mother’s assumptions about them couldn’t have been further from the truth – THEY ALL THOUGHT HIGHLY OF HER.)
While I think your post is valid Anon, in a similar way, your mom also connected her appearance to self worth, as do you, and as does the author. Your mom’s connection is not the popular take though in that she seemingly purposefully tried to look in one manner to show she didn’t care when in reality her outward appearance reflected her inner value of herself. This is very sad.
However, by doing this she had the same effect on you that the author’s mother may have had on her. That your self worth is attached to your appearance. Physical and outward being the focus. While hygiene is of utmost importance to our health, wearing clothing that is stained from one’s physical labor, such as painting and home improvement should not have been the red flag to her troubles.
What most commentors are saying is that your choice of clothing, hairstyle, and makeup application should not reflect your self worth or other’s presumption of your self worth. You can be a very happy, self respecting woman and wear day old yoga pants and a large wrinkled t-shirt and you can be a poor-esteemed woman wearing clean, pressed clothes, full makeup, and in-season high heels.
Not sure why you felt the need to use pejorative overtones by calling some moms “dirty”, because it really wasn’t necessary to insult a portion of the audience to make a point.
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I’m very thankful that I was raised to be comfortable in my own skin and found an amazing husband (and that case friends) who do not judge me for what I wear or look like. Who understands that some days I may be in a trendy mood, others in a more conservative mood, some days in jeans and a t-shirt mood, and yes even some in sweatpants and an old worn tee and finds me sexy no matter what I choose to wear (and friends who do not think “man she must not bathe since she’s in sweatpants”)
I take pride in knowing that not only do I teach my daughter to be comfortable in her own skin but not to let others judge her. I often have to have the make-up talk with her “You are beautiful the way you are naturally”. She gets to wear make up on stage (she’s a dancer), however I feel she’s not at an age where I feel comfortable with even a dab of lipgloss on. When she is old enough, I plan (hope) to be able to teach her how to wear make up naturally and not use it to create a false image. I seriously worry when I hear the words “I was told to put on more lip gloss when leaving the house”, never do I want my daughter to feel that lip gloss is what makes a woman beautiful, clean, or respected. There are far too many other things in her life to worry about then the amount of lipgloss she must wear in order to leave the house.
I also stress the importance of letting others feel comfortable in their own skin with her. We are originally from a very liberal neighborhood with a big diversity of people with different backgrounds (we have recently moved to a small very conservative town). It was not uncommon to go to the mall and cross paths with a cross-dresser, goth teen, women decked out in high end clothing, people sporting pj pants, etc. She went to school with kids of all different backgrounds some who’s parents could afford the world and others who survived with hand me downs that weren’t always in the best condition. At a very young age she started pointing out these difference and sometimes laughing at different styles she saw. Each time we took a little time out, got to her level and explained that not everyone is the same and that other people like to express themselves differently. I admit it took several times of explaining to her that people are different and never to judge them on what they wear/how they look, I personally think that is as important as teaching her not to judge someone by the color of their skin.
You know, you could very easily catch me at school drop off, with my unwashed hair pulled back into a pony, no make-up, with yoga pants and an old tshirt on. Are you going to judge me and think to herself “she doesn’t bath, she’s dirty, what a slob”? If so do you know that you are very wrong! After drop off I go to the gym, I do not need make-up to work out. There is no point to showering before hand as I’m going to work my butt off. There is no need to wear a matching workout outfit. After a good work out I go home, shower, and get dressed. That may include make-up, if not I can promise I will look cute either way. May include jewelry, again if not I will still feel my outfit is complete.
When I read this article, I picture a woman who is feeling she may be lacking something or may be feeling like she is not up to par somewhere in her life and is trying to make herself feel worthy in some way by putting other woman down. This is just how I’m interpreting this article. People who are truly comfortable in their own skin and life generally do not feel the need to both others down.
The last sentence is *put others down, not both others down. Sorry, hit submit before I caught that.
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Um, wow. I feel most comfortable in sweatpants, flip flops, hair in a bun, no makeup and sunglasses on. I hate putting on makeup, heels and clothes that aren’t soft. Somehow doing this for all of my almost 28 years, I’ve managed to get and keep friends and a husband. I think I’ll continue to be ‘dirty’ in other peoples opinions and comfortable and not fake in my own skin.
I agree with you. I shower and get dressed everyday. And I’ll admit it that it grosses me out that most of my mom friends do not shower everyday. This is coming from a mom with 2 year old twins and a four year old. If I can shower, anyone can.
I’m not a mom, I’m a 21 year old college student, and my appearance-prep habits have been about the same since I was a preteen, so they’ve got nothing to do with the amount of free time I’ve got. I shower after workouts, or when my hair starts to get greasy, which is after about 2-3 days if I haven’t worked out in that period. I like the way my legs feel when they’re shaved but since none of women mentors in my life shaved, I just can’t be bothered to make it a priority, so it happens a few times a year on a whim. I went through a phase in high school when I would wear makeup about 50% of the time but now I rarely do. I do try to keep my hair from looking like a ridiculous poof when it’s short and I brush it when it’s long enough that it’s necessary to keep from being tangled. I generally get dressed properly when I leave the house because it makes me feel ready to be productive, but if I wanted to go out in PJs whose the hell business is that but my own? I’ll make a point of making my hair behave and wearing a nice outfit if I’m going to an interview or something, but other than that, I don’t see the need to impress people with my appearance, and it doesn’t affect my self-esteem much. My diet, sleep, and exercise habits, learning cool stuff in school, and doing good activist work are much more important to my sense of self. And there’s nothing wrong with re-wearing yesterday’s clothes – as long as you change the underwear they’re clean enough, and do you really remember what you’re wearing once you’re out doing things anyway?
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I take offense to the “Dirty Mom” stereotype. I’m up late – much later than my kids. I’m pregnant. I’m also a SAHM. Please, please, please tell me why I should be up late cleaning up after the kids, then up multiple times with my 20 month old son who still doesn’t sleep through the night, and then get up at the ass crack of dawn so that I can prep and look pretty for self important persons such as you? My kids, my husband and more importantly than them – I feel that I look fine, great and yea – BEAUTIFUL rolling out of bed with my hair a mess and in my pjs. My kids get fed, clean clothes, lunches packed and shipped off to school or daycare on time. After all that is done, I clean up from the morning and have 5 minutes to breathe while awake, I can concentrate on myself and take a shower, put on clean clothes and if I’m feeling the desire – do my freakin’ hair in a style that’s more than a bun on the top of my head. Hell, I might go crazy and put on some make up and hair gel but chances are probably not. Another woman said it best, make up is an accessory. I don’t need it. I’m at my best when I’m being me and that’s your version of a “dirty mom” so you can pretty much bite my ass.
I used to be a ‘dirty mom’ after I had my daughter. She was the firstborn, the hubby and I were learning about parenting, and if it wasn’t for the hubby, I would have gone without a shower for days!!! I just had my second baby two weeks ago, and call me looney, if I don’t get a shower in the morning, I just feel so yucky. I have found that not only is showering good for the smell and outer appearance, it’s usually the only few minutes I get to myself throughout the day. I am not a girly girl by any means, and yoga pants are my friend, but I do make sure the pants are clean before I put them on :)
Did it ever occur to anyone that the woman who is a “dirty mom” is simply doing the best she can, and it sure as hell won’t help her to have people who are so full of themselves looking down and judging her? And who are you to determine what is acceptable and what is not?
Being in pajama pants with no make-up doesn’t mean people are neglecting basic hygiene. Seriously. I can shower and brush my teeth and still wear lounge wear when I leave my house.
Also, I dare you to come to my house and tell me I’m a dirty mom to my face. And I’ll show you my missing breast and my port and research about how make-up and other things have known carcinogens in them. And how since I’m fighting breast cancer I have every right to not plaster that crap all over my body and increase my odds of recurrence. And yes, I’ll open the door in my pajama pants, with less than perfect hair. Because, damn, fighting cancer is hard. And my hair isn’t perfect because it’s finally growing back in.
But if YOU saw me in a grocery store, you wouldn’t know any of that. You’d probably just roll your eyes and think in your head how I’m just another “dirty mom” who doesn’t care. And you have NO idea how much farther from the truth you could be.
*high five* Brandie!!
Hey, I showered this morning and my one year old brushed my hair. My ONLY pair of jeans is in the wash so I’m wearing yoga pants and giant tacky touristy tshirt… you wanna go with me to the grocery store to pick up some bon bons :) *giggle*
Any time! Bon bons are yum. =)
I’d like to know when KC works out, 4am? Or maybe sweating would be too “unladylike” and “dirty” for her. I wouldn’t go to work, or a doctors appointment without showering and dressing appropriately, but run my kids to school, yes; go to the YMCA for a workout, yes; run to the store for milk, yes! And if while I’m in the store in my sweat pants and baseball hat, I run into someone I know, I don’t think they’re thinking “Oh my God! A dirty mom!”
I think KC should be less concerned about finding the perfect eyeliner and more concerned with filling her children with a self esteem that comes from the inside, and not from a beauty counter!
I feel sad that a website whose goal is to empower women who look different from the glamorous size 0 Hollywood norm would post an article that’s so derogatory towards women’s appearance.
If this article was about someone who can’t understand why moms can’t just get it together, get to the gym and eat healthy instead of letting themselves go and be fat would this be okay? Would it have been published on this site?
Personally I believe that we as women shouldn’t put each other in little beauty boxes. Lipstick and heels isn’t more beautiful than a bare face and yoga pants. Size 0 isn’t more beautiful than size 20. Why are we as women constantly judging each other and making each other feel “less than”?
If it’s not okay to judge based on our pants size then it’s not okay to judge based on our shade of lipstick. This is my first exposure to this site and I have to say I’m disappointed.
Did you ever stop to think that these hard working women you call “dirty girls” are confident in who they are in the pajama pants and baseball hats? It’s fine that make-up and jewelry make you feel good about yourself, but you didn’t stop to think that maybe these women are perfectly fine with who they are in things that you think are “dirty”.
Or stop to think that maybe they had a sick baby and needed to run to the store quickly for medicine, not having time for a shower, make-up and a change of clothing. Or were up all night with a baby, and have little time to get their preschooler dressed, fed and out the door for school, much less get themselves ready.
This article is insulting and far from encouraging.
Maybe I read this article a completely different way than some of the other commenters, but I agree with what you’re trying to say (or at least, what I think you’re trying to say?) As a single mom of a 2 year old and one with recurring bouts of depression, getting dressed & feeling pretty is really essential to starting my day off on the right foot. When I take care of myself, I feel better. End of story. There’s nothing worse than catching a glance of yourself in the mirror when you’ve already had a bad day and thinking “wow I look like crap today!” I don’t think the author was implying that everyone should wear lipstick and curl their hair each morning, that’s what SHE does to feel good. Maybe some of you don’t need to wear make up or have naturally beautiful hair, in that case, maybe what makes you feel good is being healthy or fit or splashing on some perfume or WHATEVER. I didn’t find this post insulting at all. I think it’s really about appearance being an outward indicator of internal pride & happiness.
On Curvy Girl Guide the other day, K.C Wells wrote, “Why I’m Not a Dirty Mom.”
WELLLLL!!!
Do I have to tell you that moms were offended. And, rightfully so.
I mean, COME ON Curvy Girl, what did you expect? If you ask me, Ms. K.C. “I’ll blow whatever extra cash I have at Ulta” Wells, came off as judgmental and condescending.
But, “Dirty Moms” I’m sorry to tell you…..SOME of what she is saying is true. But, like I tell my children, “It’s not what you say, it’s HOW you say it.
Unfortunately, her voice is that of your mother telling you you’re not doing a good enough job. That you’re lazy. That you’re not taking care of YOURSELF well enough so, how could you take care of anyone else. I mean, really, what kind of example are you being to your children, you, dirty woman, you. You’re home all day long and you can’t take a shower? Put a little make-up on every now and then? Heck, I took care of you kids. I took a shower every day, and got dressed. I did everything you do and then some. How long does it actually take? What? You can’t wake up and get dressed. Aren’t you embarrassed to be out in public in your pajamas. You were raised better than that. Do you NOT have an ounce of self respect? And, how does your husband feel about all of this? I can’t even imagine your sex life. Your a disgrace and I don’t know how you can live with yourself. Get out of my face. I can’t even stand the sight of you standing there dirty and in your pajamas!!
So, there ya have it Curvy Girl. I’m pretty sure that THIS is what these ladies heard. K.C. is just another voice in the head of dirty moms everywhere saying the same thing that, trust me, they’ve already told themselves. You did absolutely NOTHING for these women or their self esteem. Oh, wait, you did. You shot them down a notch instead of lifting them up. Job well done!!
So, as a reformed “Dirty Mom” here is what I would have said…..
After having a child and going from working outside the home full time to working inside the home part time, I couldn’t figure out how to do all this Suzie Homemaker shit. It was a totally new way of life than what I had been living and I found myself in some very unfamiliar territory. I couldn’t find my groove. It was a huge and very difficult adjustment from the life I had before having children. I felt like a fish out of water, flopping around trying to find my way back to what I knew just so I could breath again.
With the arrival of my bundle of joy, came days without taking a shower. Which meant days and days and days without getting dressed in anything but pajamas or sweats. Actually, it was all the rave for a work at home mom. Yea!!! Work from home in your PJ’s!! Oh, it was great at first. Actually, it was pretty freakin’ cool to be honest with ya. But, after a while I started to not like what I had become.
BUT!!! But, I was a MOM!! I was taking care of a baby and, by golly, I don’t even have a moment to go pee, never mind taking a freakin’ shower. I have a baby to take care of damn it and that’s more important than a shower. And, I’m going to get dressed why? Oh, so you want me to what, do more freakin’ laundry? Oh, and make-up? HUH, I’m not falling into that trap.
Well, I’m here to tell ya……
Living a life of not showering on a regular basis, living a life of wearing pajamas more than I wore anything else did nothing positive for me. It didn’t make me feel good about myself or who I had become. It didn’t make me feel like I was the best mother, the best wife OR the best person I could be.
Seriously ladies, if you’re being honest with yourselves, like I had to be with myself, in no way, shape, or form does living like this make us feel like the best anything. Actually, it does nothing but contribute to the negative feelings we have about ourselves. AND, I’m sorry, but all those things I told myself, all those things I said to justify why, to justify why I didn’t shower on a regular basis and why I didn’t dress in anything but pajamas most of the time….all that shit I told myself and everyone else….was nothing but EXCUSES.
You’re lying to yourself and making excuses if you’re telling yourself otherwise. Just like I did.
So, one day, I made a decision. I made a decision to stop making excuses. I made a decision to stop lying to myself. I made a decision to stop playing a direct part in making myself feel less than the woman I knew I was.
I know that it takes 21 days to build a habit. I made a commitment to myself that for 30 days I was going to take a shower everyday and I was going to get dressed every morning. I didn’t have to get dressed to the nines but I did get dressed in something other than pajamas. I told myself that pajamas were only going to be worn to bed. In the beginning, it wasn’t easy and I’m not gonna lie I didn’t always want to do it but I did, no matter what. And, there were days that I came up with a million and one excuses why I couldn’t but I did it anyway.
Before I knew it, it wasn’t difficult anymore. There were no more excuses. Showering and getting dressed every morning were just a part of my daily life as they once were before I had children. And, you know what else? I started to feel better about ME!! K.C. Wells was right about one thing, I gained a little pep in my step and felt a little more confident than I had when I wasn’t showering. I was ready to walk out the door at a moments notice, if I had to, without feeling embarrassed. I didn’t have to run and put a bra on, change my clothes, wash my face or armpits. Nope. I was ready for what life might throw at me. And, the best of all, I never had to schedule sex. And, my hubby didn’t have to hold out for the days that I showered. So, if you’re saying that showering doesn’t affect your life…..it does.
The way I had started incorporating a shower a day didn’t work out for me, so I changed it. I originally took a shower in the morning but taking a shower at night before I went to be proved easier. When I woke up in the morning, I would wash my face, brush my teeth, and do my hair. Most days I donned comfy pants and a T-shirt or sweatshirt, especially if I didn’t have any plans to run errands. So, I’m not here saying get dressed up, give yourself a ton more laundry or anything. I’m just saying be ready for life.
I still mainly wear something comfortable while I’m home. But, I’m ready if the doorbell rings or if the school calls. I’m not spending an hour shaving my legs and getting my self acceptable because the hubby wants to have sex. I’m available for whatever and I don’t have the stress associated with not showering.
Not only did taking a measley ol’ shower and getting dressed for the day give me all that but it was a catalyst for much more. My kids benefited from it. My husband benefited. My house eventually became cleaner. But most of all I was better for it. That one little action had a ripple affect to many more areas of my life. And, if you don’t believe me, well, I say prove me wrong. Try it. Make a commitment to yourself like I did. Make a commitment to be ready for life with a shower and getting dressed every day for the next 30 days.
I promise you it will be worth it.
I deal with the public at large, I’m sure we all do at some point in our day. I don’t have kids, but I do have days off and for me, if I don’t get up and shower and “start my day” with my morning routine I will fall down a rabbit hole. There’s something about showering and grooming that sets me right for the day. I don’t wear makeup, but I do tend to my hair (and at my age, that also means facial hair) and I do put on fresh, clean clothes. If I want to wear comfortable, loose clothing then I know it’s a day that I stay home. If I’m leaving the house at some point during the day, I put on jeans and a nice top and comfortable shoes. You are judged and treated accordingly by how you look, though no one will ever cop to it. It’s just the way it is. I’ve done the sweats and unkempt thing in the past and I know that I’ve had a chip on my shoulder and have felt self-conscious because I wasn’t comfortable with how I looked. Maybe this is just a me thing, but in my professional life dealing with the “dirty” or unkempt or however you want to call it, those men and women are generally more “high maintenance” as customers. Sure, they have a right to conduct their business like everyone else does. But I’ve noticed that people that don’t take responisibility for their appearance usually aren’t the most pleasant or agreeable as customers. Just my two cents.
Sometimes I miss the good old days: the days of women being nice,sweet,caring, and nonjudgmental to each other. The days when we all liked our inner selves, and our outer selves.
Oh wait. That was never. But…AWESOME! I’ve always wanted to be in a “legion of moms!”
I am honestly tired of logging onto the internet and reading another article or blog about what other women think other women should be; or how nasty it is to go to town and see someone that isn‘t what you would like to look at. I think that is what makes women so catty and lacking self worth. I have a hypothyroid condition. I am over weight. I have pale skin and dark hair; so I have facial hair that actually shows up. These are my faults. No,they are not MY FAULT; they are what I was given. It has taken me quite awhile to get used to me,and yes,at times I still have my “Oh my god,I’m fat and I have huge pores,and why do I have to pluck so many damn hairs from my face” days. But then I have the days where I look at my husband’s chin hair and compare mine to his and tell him he has nothing on my goatee. I have been called names for various reasons throughout my life; by family and friends,and I’m sure strangers as well. I was a girly girl in high school, then I met my husband in college and I didn’t feel like I needed to impress anyone anymore. He is the real reason I am better to and about myself. I don’t feel like I need to wear make up every time I take a shower or go out. I don’t know how old the woman is that wrote the article Why I’m not a “dirty mom”,but I am only 24,and I feel as if I have a better grasp on what it means to be a woman more than she does.
I have a son who is going to be 2 in May. He is the light of my life,and I pretty much cater to him 24-7. I am a stay at home mom,my husband has two jobs; he is an EMT at both of them,they are both important and time consuming jobs. I am a “dirty mom” most of the time because I have nothing better to do but be a mom. In my opinion it is THE best job in the world. I get paid in kisses,hugs,grime, spit,poop,pee,tantrums,hair pulling,and love. I am not ashamed to go out in public without having showered for 3 days,in my mom jeans,with crusty food stuck to the leg because it was just lunch time, with a newly acquired stain on my shirt. Yes…why thank you,that would be a huge rat in my hair from where my son fell asleep with his little hand twisting in my hair. No…I didn’t have time to brush it out…I had to clean the house while my son was taking his 20-please-be-20 minute nap. But would you look at my son! My God he is freaking handsome and clean. Why should I care if you think I look dirty? Do I think you look snobby if you are dressed to the maxlike Zsa Zsa Gabor at 7:30am in a school drop off line? No. Yes,I admit I will wonder why,but in all honestly I will probably think you look pretty. (By the by,I think Zsa Zsa Gabor is Beautiful!)
Yes,I like dressing up and being a girly girl. Yes,showers and primping feel awesome. (And trust me,when you have dark facial hair,you have to primp more than anyone else…with tweezers…x’s 1,000). And yes,I do look amazing and feel good when I have make up on and have fixed my hair the Brittany Gibbons way. But I like to wear my yoga pants. I like to wear my cheap Old Navy sweats with football numbers on the thigh that I stole from my husband. I only shower probably 2 times a week. Honestly, because sometimes I forget to or I’m just too busy. Does that in anyway make me “dirty” though? No. You aren’t even supposed to shower every day,a little grime can do you good. I actually think my hair looks better the day after I have showered.
I AM NOT “DIRTY” THOUGH!
The dictionary says the definition of dirty is:
1) Soiled with dirt; foul; unclean: dirty laundry.
Am I soiled with dirt? No. I am also not foul or dirty laundry.
2) Spreading or imparting dirt; soiling: dirty smoke.
Do I spread my dirty? No…because I’m not dirty.
3) Vile; mean; sordid; contemptible: to play a dirty trick on someone.
Am I this? Well…I CAN be vile and mean, but not unless I have to be.
4) Obscene; pornographic lewd: a dirty joke.
These …maybe….I know I can be pornographic with my husband and I can tell some dandy dirty jokes because my dad is a truck driver. (I hope that doesn’t make me even dirtier!!)
5) Undesirable or unpleasant; thankless: he left the dirty work for me.
To my knowledge I have never been undesirable except for maybe when I was in labor,I have been unpleasant many times,but never thankless.
So,you see,I am not the definition of the word “dirty” per say. To most people dirty means just that,you are dirty. You don’t shower,you’re smelly. I ride four wheelers. I don’t worry about getting mud anywhere on my body. Am I dirty after that? Yep. But…I’m also sexy. I am from Southern Illinois,the more dirty you get as a woman,the hotter you become. I guess my bottom line is… Just because other women wear sweats,yoga pants, pajama pants,their husband’s sweats,and old baseball caps,it doesn’t mean we don’t bathe. To assume that is just plain rude.
So,I’m sorry,we don’t want you in our awesome legion. We don’t judge,because we’ve been there. We will continue to wear our comfortable pants while you wear your fancy pants to school drop off. Every three nights around 2 am we will take a shower and brush our hair out. We will brush our teeth,or not,and then go to bed. The website barefootfoodie will continue to be our favorite,because she gets us and is real. We will blow our extra money on a pair of new sweats….you can never have too many you know. So,please stop judging us for being mom’s that don’t primp all of the time. We don’t judge you. And by the way,primping is not the same as bathing. We know how soap and water work. (OOOoo! Pretty bubbles!) We take care of our family because they deserve it and they don’t judge us. And by the way….I look hot in a hat,and the only real kind of ball hat to wear is a slouchy old one- which makes me even sexier.
I used to worry about what people thought. And then I lost everything, realized many people tend to be shallow, undependable buttholes, and changed my priorities quite a bit. I no longer care what people think when my baby is sitting in the Target cart in a fleece sleeper at 10 in the morning, rather than being dressed in regular clothes. Because my reasons for that kid being in a sleeper are completely unknown to those people. I know that they don’t have a clue about my life. They don’t have a clue about my kids. They don’t have a clue about me.
They don’t know that my sleeper-clad kid has a huge host of sensory issues and can’t handle being cold, that she has circulation problems in her feet, and sitting in the cart without really warm clothes causes her feet to turn blue. They have no idea that I choose to put my kid in a sleeper because I know that if I don’t, I’ll have to give her a warm bath when we get home just so her legs get pink again. They don’t know that she can’t wear shoes because of her leg and foot issues, and that a sleeper is the only way to keep her bottom half warm on cold days.
They don’t know that super-windy days cause my kid to go into sensory overload, and that a sleeper is tightly woven enough that I can shield her face from the wind and not have to worry about the rest of her body. They don’t know that I was up most of the night last night because one of my older kids had a nightmare, that the baby who looks adorable in her infant carseat is actually a heinous, screechy mess at 3am almost every night.
People at the store who are judging me for my sweatpants and baseball cap have no idea that I look like that because before I got to the store I’d spent an hour at the gym, running around the track trying to sweat out my stress and burdens. That I spent a half hour in the weight room trying to strengthen my core because otherwise my back might keep going out and then I’d have to have surgery to fix the problems. They don’t realize that I had to stop at the store in my workout clothes because my toddler has an appointment at a specialist because she’s almost two and doesn’t yet walk, and that if I didn’t stop right at the moment I might not make it the rest of the day, and then the toddler would have to wear diapers two sizes too small.
People might look at me and see a shlumpy mom, babies still in pajamas, and assume that I’m too lazy to do anything with myself or dress my kids properly.
But people don’t have any idea what my life is like. And I know that.
I know that they’re clueless, so I don’t give a flying shit that they might be judging me. People can only have control in your life that you allow them. If you are making decisions about yourself, your children, and your responses to things based on the fact that people might have something to say, then you’re allowing clueless people to make decisions for you.
There’s an old AA saying. “Don’t let others live in your head rent-free”. (I’m paraphrasing) Basically, when you carry resentments, judgments, preconceived notions around in your head, allowing them to influence your thoughts, feelings, and choices, then you’re allowing someone else control.
Personally, my life is out of control enough with four kids and all their corresponding chaos. I don’t need someone else having any say in how to handle things.
I liked this article. My mom doesn’t always wear makeup to go out, but she was always clean and presentable. I am the same way. I don’t see the harm in taking two seconds to pull your hair back and change out of your PJs. Even sweats are better than the same thing you slept in. It shows the world that you don’t care.
I wasn’t disappointed in this article at all. I think it is refreshing to hear someone say what they really think without fear of reprise. Keep it coming!
Kudos to the author of this post for being a proper troll. Hope you’re happy with the comment count! :)
I agree with this article. I can’t stand it when I see people out in their pjs with curlers in their hair. I always try and look good because like she said, you never know who you will see when your out. Also, my husband works hard all day long and I think that he deserves to come home to a wife a kids who look good for him. I doubt he would be happy to work his butt off all day to come home and see that we didn’t even get out of our pajamas. Call me old fashion but I believe that I represent my husband when I leave the house and if I look bad it makes him look bad. So I make sure I look good and my kids are clean and well dressed.
I believe this article is complete rubbish. What I interprete from reading this is, a woman who is judgemental, insecure, and a little too caught up in herself. Just because you see a woman in a ballcap, that doesn’t mean she hasn’t bathed in three days. Not everyone has 2 hours in the early morning to do a full makeup/hair job. Get over yourself sassy-pants. Some of us are real women and mothers. Some of us have 3 children under the age of 5, a husband, college, a life, and a home to watch after. Not to mention the full-time job. I am horrified that people like you even have the ability to post articles.
I don’t think this has anything to do with being judgemental. I think its addressing the people who take it to far. Who never get dressed, wear pajamas every where and always look like that. Its one thing to be busy, and casual and relaxed. I get it. I throw on gym clothes and take my kids to school and come home and shower and get dressed for the day. I feel like a bum if I’m in work out gear all day. But I have the right to do that If I deem necessary. We all do!
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I for one applaud all moms for doing all that we do. While I do get the need to feel taken care of, I also know that this means different things for different people. For instance, some moms agree with the author and need to be dressed to the nines to feel like they have taken care of themselves. Others (like me) prefer yoga pants and workout gear, and have never considered themselves a “girlie girl”. A demanding schedule makes it hard for me to find time for the gym. Running errands in workout clothes just works for me (and yes I shower at least once daily usually more). Again no right or wrong, just different. When will we as moms stop judging each other and start realizing that we are all in this together??? Each mom is making it through another day just as tired as the next. We each have our own way of keeping our energy up and smiles on our faces. We are all beautiful in our own way. So yes, you will see me at the grocery store and at school drop off in gym clothes, and when you do I hope that you will smile and say hi just as I would to each of you.
All I know is that I pretty much dress the same as I did before having kids. I definitely do not wear the mom “uniform” of workout clothes and bright sneakers. I wear jeans, tees, dresses, jackets, ballet flats, boots, etc. The stuff I always wore on casual days pre-kids. Honestly, I am far more comfy in jeans than in workout clothes. They also don’t fit my style at all. Very blah.