Nana Knows Best: Co-Parenting with the Grandparents
When I think of the term “multi-generational households,” I think of an over-crowded house, probably smelling slightly like mothballs and Ben-Gay, where kids would rather keep to themselves in the safety of their rooms than risk having an awkward conversation with one of the many octogenarians living with them, while their parents are off slaving away at a thankless job. I certainly don’t think of my house. No way.
I am a single mom to a 3-year old little girl, and have been a single mom since the day that she was born (thanks in large part to the fact that I didn’t enjoy my ex-husband’s girlfriend, but that’s another story for another day). I work full-time as a manager in the pharmaceutical research industry and up until recently was traveling about 50% of the time.
I was left standing in a parking lot when I was 6-months pregnant, and once I got over my initial shock that the hubby just checked-out, my next thought was “Well, I guess I’d better move back home.” And so I did. I uprooted my life in the big city and moved back to my childhood town so that I could be closer to my family. I was staring a one-hour commute to and from work squarely in the face, and I did it anyway. Because I knew that it would be the best decision that I would ever make.
My parents have been an invaluable resource while I’ve tried to balance the single-working-mommy life. My father is a retired veterinarian and my mom has always been a stay-at-home mom (and now, Nana). My mom comes to my house during the day to watch my daughter while I am at work (for FREE—I know I’ll never ever ever be able to repay her for that). About once a week, my daughter will spend the night out on their ranch and be a “country girl.”
When I traveled for work, I was lucky enough to have the flexibility to bring my daughter and my mom along with me. While I was working in our offices in places like Honolulu or Wisconsin, they would be visiting local museums, swimming at the beach, exploring new cities, and doing all of the things I wished I was doing with them.
My daughter is continually surrounded by such love and positive influence. Her week is filled with story-time, museum trips, zoo visits, helping to cook and bake in the kitchen with Nana, caring for the horses and cattle on their ranch, Bible studies, playdates, trips to the park, and countless other opportunities that she wouldn’t otherwise be afforded if she were in a traditional daycare setting.
If I’m being completely honest, I’m not sure that she would get the opportunity to do all of that if I were a stay-at-home-mom. My mom has immensely more patience with my daughter than I do, and I am fairly certain she has more with her now than she had with me when I was growing up. There’s something about a bond between a Nana and a granddaughter…
Sure, there are challenges. We have to consistently be on the same page as far as rules go, which is hard. Grandparents are programmed to give their grandchildren anything and everything that they’ve ever wanted. Parents are programmed significantly differently. I’ve found that having a heart-to-heart conversation with them is the quickest, easiest, and most painless way to get them on board with the plan. I have to remind them sometimes that I am a single mom. That late-afternoon-nap-skipping-cookie-binge might seem like a good idea at the time, but when I come home from work to a frazzled toddler coming off of a sugar high and it subsequently ruins our evening and then we both end up in tears, maybe it’s not the best idea.
But the pros far outweigh the cons. Walking in the door from work, having my daughter run up to me and give me the biggest hug and kiss that she can, and then realizing that Nana’s also done all of our laundry, vaccuumed the house, and taken out the trash? Pretty awesome.
I recently brought up the subject of enrolling my daughter in a Mother’s Day Out program to give my mom somewhat of a break from time to time throughout the week. My mom’s eyes filled with tears and she said “Please, don’t take this away from me.” I suppose we will save that conversation for further down the line.
Do you have grandparents that are involved in your kids’ lives? What do you love about it? How do you deal with the inevitable challenges? I would love to hear how it’s working for you!
Curvy Girl Guide Contributor, Jaedeanne Shaver is a blessed, strong, confident, blissfully happy, single-working-mommy. Based in Fort Worth, TX, she is a clinical research professional specializing in Quality Assurance and Clinical Pharmacology, and will easily bore you to tears with all of the nerdy science stuff that she loves. Jaedeanne holds a B.S. in Biomedical Science and a Masters of Biotchnology from Texas A&M University. In her spare time (haha) she enjoys cooking, bargain-hunting, watching college football, chasing around her daughter, Ruby, and hanging out with the best group of friends a girl could ask for. And no, her mother is not available for hire.
You can find Jaedeanne’s writing on her blog, as well as follow her on Twitter and Pinterest.
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My mother, who lives about 4 hours away, drives in to see us every Thursday night. She stays in her own apartment from Thursday to Sunday and then drive back to her job and house. She keeps my daughter when I’m on call over weekend or when my husband and I just need a break. She has taught my daughter so many things during that time. I value her sacrifice and input into our parenting so much.
Wow, how fantastic is that?? Aren’t moms the best? I just hope that someday I can be half the Nana that my mom is! The bar is set pretty high for us!
Awesome article! Love you Jae! Great job!
If I had to, I would SO co-parent with my mom. As it is now when we’re with my parents, I basically hand my girls over to their gramma, and let her have them. It’s a nice break for me, and she gets her kiddo fill!
It’s a win-win situation for everyone!
When my mom was 7, she moved with her mom, dad, four sisters, older cousin, and both grandmothers, into a huge old house by the lake in Milwaukee. The house was technically 2 apartments downstairs, and one apartment and a couple bedrooms upstairs. My mom and her sisters and cousins slept in the upstairs bedroom, her parents in the downstairs one bedroom apartment, her maternal grandmother in the other downstairs apartment, and her maternal grandmother in the upstairs apartment. My mom remembers someone ALWAYS being home, and running upstairs to sneak in a cookie or two before dinner.
By the time I was born, my great-grandmother was STILL living in that upstairs apartment while my grandmother lived downstairs. For a while, my mom moved back into her own bedroom with me in a crib in the corner because my dad was out to sea and she didn’t want to live alone. So when she went off to work, I got handed to my great grandmother for some babysitting. As a baby, I was never alone. Instead, I was spoiled rotten. To this day, I envy my mother for getting to spend her whole childhood running around a house filled to the brim with extra family members.
What a fantastic experience! It sounds like y’all come from an amazingly supportive family. Thanks for sharing your story!
I just had this conversation with my sister in law on Saturday. My mother retired at the end of last school year to watch my nephew (and soon my niece) while my SIL works. My SIL said she has already noticed a marked difference in my nephew’s behavior. He’s not so wound up in the evenings when she gets home, he listens better. Apparently, his former babysitter wasn’t so big on rules or schedules or naps. I knew enforcing my SIL’s rules would be hard for my mom because, as you stated, the natural grandparent tendency is to spoil. So I’m glad she’s making the effort there. However, there are two big problems. First of all, my mom is constantly giving him gifts. It’s been this way since he was born. The first thing he does when my mom walks in the room is ask what she has for him. For three years, my brother and I have tried to drill it into her head that this needs to stop. That she doesn’t have to buy his love. But it hasn’t worked. Also, my SIL prefers my nephew to eat a health, well-balanced diet. Each night after dinner, she makes his lunch for the next day. Except my mom takes him to Chick-fil-a or McDonalds every day because he says he doesn’t want what his mom left. I told my SIL that she needs to sit down and explain to my mom that fast food is supposed to be a very rare treat. Not the norm. But she doesn’t feel comfortable talking to my mom like that. She’s afraid of hurting her feelings. So I guess I’ll have to have a heart to heart with my mom about respecting my SIL’s wishes.
Oh, how funny. That’s a little part of our story that I left out – the “Chick-fil-a” chapter. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone in this losing battle. They’re taking the kids to Chick-fil-a, end of story. No negotiations.
Good luck with the heart-to-heart! Just be honest, emphasize the impact of their decisions, and get a committment from them.
My father in law lives with us, but since he’s suffering from dementia (early stages), he isn’t a caregiver, in the babysitting sense, though he certainly spends a lot of time interacting with our son. My parents live about two blocks away, and ever since we moved back, our son has also spent a lot of time with them. For about two months, while my husband was working out his schedule and I was starting a new job, my son spent the afternoons and/or evenings with my parents (specifically, my father). When my husband’s schedule finally changed to weekends, and we didn’t need weekday child care anymore, my dad (according to my mom) was really bummed out that he wasn’t going to have that interaction with my son anymore. So my husband and I have been making a point to find reasons for my dad to spend time with his grandson when he wants to. It’s wonderful to see the endless patience and love that grandparents have. My dad is far more relaxed with my son than he was with me, and my mom is absolutely head over heels in love with him. I feel like my son is growing up around multiple generations of people who love him unconditionally, and I’m so pleased that we made the decision to move back home.
Isn’t it so great to see the positive impact of your decisions in your kid’s life? When your child is growing up in an environment that is completely saturated with love…well….there’s not much better than that in the world! So happy for you and your family!
Great article Jae! Hugs to you for making such an important decision in Ruby’s life. Your mom is the best!!!
If my mother didn’t have to work this would totally be her. Every time something comes up with one of the kids she tells me how guilty she feels that she can’t be this type of grandmother. I would love it for all of the reasons you mentioned, but it just wasn’t in the cards for us. :(
Love this article. When I was younger my mom was a single mom with help from the extended family. During my school years I lived with my g. grandmother during the week and came home on the weekends. Best solution ever (for us) as my mom would move apts on the regular and I still got to stay in the same school district. As I got older I ended up moving back in with my g. grandmother since she needed help and I stayed there until she died.
While the solution probably doesn’t work for everyone, I think this was best. I developed the closest relationship with my g. grandmother
When we lived in my home state/town, my Mom watched our 2 oldest off and on from the time they were babies to pre-school aged. Sometimes we were able to pay her and sometimes we weren’t. Sometimes it was a couple days a week and sometimes it was every day.
I wasn’t single but my husband and I were super young and not making much money. That free/inexpensive childcare allowed us to survive. It also gave us peace of mind that our kids were being cared for by someone who loved them like family. I’m forever thankful and like Jadeanne, am unable to pay her back.
Growing up, my husband I each spent time living with other family members – sometimes with our parent in the house, sometimes not. Each of our families usually has at least one household where different families live together and share parenting duties.
Oh! And when we first moved to our current city/state, we lived in the upstairs apartment of my in-laws’ home. They watched the kids occasionally so we could go out on a date, but mostly it was just nice for the kids to have such easy access to them, having not seen much of them during the first 5 years of life. We saw them every day.
Just like you Jaedeanne, we’ve got a fabulous grandma on our hands too. She doesn’t do the day to day caregiving but she’s been willing to drop everything and do what is needed to help two working parents survive. She’s come over at 6am just so we wonldn;t be late for work when we both had early meetings. After not being involved with sewing projects for over 25 years, she busted out her old machine and re-connected her crafty spirit in the name of being a grandma. She personally designed and created Whitney’s designer nursery (when the cost of a custom made nursery was out of our budget) She has made about 80% of her clothes and every outfit is cuter and cuter. She can take any designer or boutique dress and copy it instantly. I’ve ended up with a boutique baby wardrobe for the cost of fabric, which she never charges me for. Check out how lucky we are http://grandmacouture-tgm.blogspot.com/ …
Before I had a baby i had all these dreams of moving to another state and starting all over witha fresh new place, but now the thought of making a new life as a mommy without my mommy is terrifying and I’m settled right here with my mom teaching me how to be a good mom.
This article made me cry, because I am so in this place right now. My parents are crazy close with our kids, and help us everyday.
In fact, due to downsizing, my mom is now stepping into a caretaker roll during the day, and I am so excited!
It’s funny, I feel like my parents are almost BETTER parents to my kids, than they were to me. As in, they are happier, more relaxed, more invested.
I guess it’s easier once the stress of having to solely provide for a child shifts away.
You’re gonna make me cry.
I have 4 year old twins. My parents helped out so much when we first had them. They would have helped more if my PPD didn’t make me think I had to do everything just so.
Then, as the boys grew, they became the best resource ever. My boys adore them. And learn from them.
And, like you, I was told that they’d let me know when things got too tough. Until then, I was to use their free services all the time. ;-)
We moved to Poland last year. I weep a lot that my boys miss them. Thankfully we will move back to them in 2013. Then, I’m never leaving them again.
My mom moved in with my husband and I when I was pregnant with my first child. My dad had died the year before, and it made sense (financially) for her to live with us. I honestly think that I wouldn’t have survived that first baby without her. I had terrible PPD, and my son was very high needs. My mom saved me, by holding him so I could sleep, helping with food, cleaning, etc. When she could see I was losing it, she’d make an excuse for why she had to hold him right then, and I could take a breather. We have two kids now, and having her in the house means I can get a workout and shower in everyday. She helps with cleaning and buys some of the groceries. My kids love having her around, and she’s a billion times more patient than I am with them. It’s true that we have to work on the grandma spoiling issue, but overall things are awesome.
I am so looking forward to being this grandma/mom. My daughter is 12 and never having kids. I am sad that I might never have the opportunity to help the way I was helped as a child and mom. So many cultures have the right idea of just having the whole family live together, I wonder how we as a mix of these cultures ever let it go.