Becoming a Mother of Two
For the first fourteen years of my life I was an only child. My parents were divorced when I was around ten years old and a few years later they both remarried. Not too long after that each parent brought a new baby into the world. They were born a month apart.
After fourteen years of not having any siblings I suddenly had two. Two that were not related at all to each other, but definitely of my blood. It was weird. And great birth control—throw a couple of babies full-time into the life of a young teenager and watch them become a strong believer in birth control once they become sexually active. It worked for me.
A couple of years after that, my mom would move a few hundred miles away due to work. My dad lived out of the school district that I had attended my entire life, so during my senior year I moved in with my grandma to finish out high school. It gave me that only child feeling all over again.
It’s kind of weird how that worked. I have a brother and a sister who I love dearly but I never really felt that super close sibling bond as a child. The only child mentality was never really severed. I imagine that my brother—who will be 21 in just another month—feels the same way. My sister grew up with a brother of her own (from my stepmother’s first marriage) so I would think she feels quite differently about the situation.
Twenty-six years after I became a sibling I gave birth to my first child. It was the most amazing, life-changing moment of my life and I have loved that child more than I have ever loved anything from that very day on. He really is the most important thing in my life.
I thought I knew what it meant to love someone before I gave birth to him. I was so wrong. The way I knew how to love pales in comparison to how deeply I love my son. Some days I feel like there is not a scrap of room in my being that could ever love someone as much as I love that child.
That scares the crap out of me.
It scares me because in just under eight weeks I’ll be giving birth to my second child. I will be giving my son a sibling. I’m tremendously excited, and all of us already love this baby but it isn’t quite the same at this point.
I will be become a mother of two.
I am so grateful—after to two miscarriages last year and a difficult pregnancy—that I’m so close to the point of giving birth. So close to creating brothers.
But here is the thing, I don’t know how to be the mother of two young children.
So I ask you wise Curvy Girl Guide readers, what is your best piece of advice for a new momma of two?
Related Articles:
Holly teaches design at a small NW Ohio college. She spends her days off hanging out with her foxy musician husband and their gorgeous new baby and ridiculously smart pre-school aged son. Holly has a passion for food, photography, beautiful letter forms, and the possibilities that can be found in a single sheet of well made paper. 
My boys are just shy of two years apart. The best advice that I ever received was to tend to the older child’s needs first. The baby will never remember if you set him down when he was hungry so you could help your older child go potty or get a snack or put a movie on. And while your older child won’t necessarily remember it either, they could perceive you choosing the baby over them.
I also never tell my older son that I can’t do something with him because I need to do something for his brother. I ask him to help me or play a game like “I Spy” while I tend to his brother.
My younger son is almost 11 months old and I can honestly say that in those 11 months I can’t recall a single moment of jealousy or episode of acting out from my older son. I think that these two philosophies really helped with that.
I’m not a mother, but I think this is excellent advice. I was the oldest of two, and until my sister came along I was the only grandchild for both families as well, so I was used to being the center of attention. After my sister was born, I felt like no one paid any attention to me anymore and it was very lonely for me. What you (tehamy) suggest never occurred to my parents because I was always very independent from a very young age and could do a lot on my own, while the baby (my sister) was not, and so her needs were always tended to first. The result was a fierce, sibling rivalry that has lasted our entire lives, up until a few years ago, that drove my parents crazy.
Don’t expect your oldest to understand right away that adding another child to the family doesn’t diminish your love for him – it’s a complicated thing psychologically (that even a lot of adults don’t fully understand). But he will understand in time when he sees and feels that your love doesn’t diminish.
There’s nothing you need to do. You have this… all in the bag. You’re going to rock it and you’ll be amazed at how you’re able to do it and how you’ll love this one exponentially and equal but for different reasons than your first son. Love is a fickle sumbitch, but a mother’s love (99% of the time) knows no bounds. Kinda like me and cake. Good luck to you!
I have no advice, as I still only have 1. But, I sympathize with your worries about going from 1 to 2 kiddos. I think about it alot, I don’t want to have an only child, but will I have time to give the absolue love and attention I give to my first, to my second? Who knows, I think we just wing it!
In all honesty, there is not much advice to be given because you will just naturally and magically become a “mother of two” once that beautiful baby is born. I have three children and this is exactly what happened to me with babies 2 and 3. It feels like I have always been a mother of 3. Best wishes to you and yours.
My best advice is: don’t beat your self up or feel like a failure if this baby comes out, and you don’t immediately feel like you love it as much as you do your first.
In reality, you do, you just don’t know it yet. But not having that feeling at first was crushing to me, and I felt like a horrible and guilty person.
It’s OK (and totally normal) if you don’t feel that same love and bond at first.
This! Also, glad to hear someone else say it.
Seriously! My oldest was 6 when I had her sister. I loved my second because I was her Mom, but I didn’t ‘fall in love’ with her until about a week later. I think it took me that long to get used to the fact that I had two kids instead of just the one. I have three now, and I can’t picture my life without any of them.
Yes: what she said. :)
The best advice anyone gave me was that sometimes (a lot of times, depending on how much difference there is in age between your kids) they’re both going to be crying at the same time and all you can do is deal with them one at a time and let the other one cry for a minute. It doesn’t make you a bad mom. And having a sibling is a wonderful gift for a child. :)
Yep. You so got this. I was so terrified. And its wonderful – reflux and all ;) xoxoxo
I hate self promotion, but I’m going to do it anyway. I wrote about this a while back because it seems this question gets asked a lot: http://www.mommamadeitlookeasy.com/2010/03/what-is-it-like-to-have-two-kids.html
In short, it is much harder, but easier and different, but wonderful.
One thing you need to know, is your oldest will “grow up” over night. You leave him a little one to go and have your baby, and you come home and he will be bigger. Hands bigger, head, feet… it’s the most bizarre thing!
And I worried about not being able to love another as much as my first.. and while it took me LONGER to warm up to him (he was NOT like his brother and it was just so different).. he’s got my heart more than anyone else now… and I love them both so much for their OWN ways/things/selves.
And sometimes.. just laugh, or cry.. or whatever you need to do to get through it. I was told that if I could just hang tight till the youngest was 3 it would be SOOO easy.. and it was SO right. My boys are 19 mths apart.. Include your older when you can.. spend time with both of them separately if you can.. and just try and ENJOY that baby too because it’s MUCH harder to enjoy the “baby time” with an older one running around… =)
Our first year with two children was the hardest year of our lives. the things that got us through it were:
+We had each other
+We told our not quite two year old daughter that it was “her” baby, and she helped with EVERYTHING. She got wipes for diaper changes, read us books during feedings, picked out his clothes and sang him to sleep. I don’t think she ever felt like she was receiving less attention.
+We took turns doing every baby related chore. Even diaper changing.
+My husband and I adopted an “if you care more, you win” philosophy in our negotiations with one another about trivial things. Anytime we would begin to bicker (which happens a lot when no one is sleeping or having their needs met) we take a step back and consider who really cares the most about whatever it is we are fighting over. That person wins. This means I get to rearrange the furniture however I want, and he gets to store all his random crap rather than sell it at a garage sale.<——THis is my #1 advice:)
NOW, at 4 1/2 and 2 1/2, the kids are competitive, clingy, whiny and scream and fight with each other constantly. I have been yelling more than I'd like. We are all stressed out. But they love each other and they know that we love them. every day we are learning more about each other and how each of us completes our family.
PS-I didn't fall in love with my son at first sight. the only thing I saw the first few weeks were his imperfections (which I now believe MAKE him perfect). It took 4 months for me to love him as completely as I do now. there is nothing wrong with it being slower the second time around. You don't have nearly as much time to just sit and stare at the second baby.
The new baby is going to get a lot of attention from everyone. We tried to make our oldest feel special too. We did this by having her be the first one at the hospital to hold her new sister. We also bought her a small gift, so when she saw people bringing things in for the baby, she didn’t feel left out.
Also, expect an adjustment period. Schedules and routines will be different, but eventually it will feel like it had always been that way. I’m sure no matter what, you’ll do great! Good Luck! :)
It’s funny that you should mention this because two weeks ago our daughter found out the she’s giving their 19 month old daughter a brother-in 7 weeks!!! Talk about shock. She had been gaining a little weight but nothing serious for a few weeks and each time someone teased her, she took a pregnancy test-5 in fact that all came back neg! Since she breast fed for a year and had an IUD, she’s never had a returned period. She’s scared to death to have two kids but we just keep reassuring her, it’ll all work out :). And it will with you too! God Bless
My best advice – don’t sweat the small stuff! Life goes on if things are not done or kids miss a bath or they watch a little more TV than you would like.
How did you know how to be a mother of one? ;)
My best advice on worrying about how/if you’ll love your second as much as your first? Don’t worry! Easier said than done, I know, I worried about the same thing as does every parent about to have their second. But the instant he came out, that worry just vanished. I have NEVER had one second of doubt that the love I feel for him is just as strong as it is for his sister. Some days he drives me crazy and I’m happier with his sister or vice versa, but the love and the intensity I feel is just the same. Don’t worry, your heart knows how to do this :)
Just listen to your instincts. You’ll be fine, and so will the kids. It’s hard to take care of both of them at once sometimes, but other times it will be perfect. Just be you.
I was scared I didn’t have room in my heart for another baby. Turns out, when those people out there say that your heart expands, they are actually right.
Pingback: Nine Days | artistmotherteacher.com