How to Help Your Children with Divorce
During this past year, I’ve learned so much about how to be a parent while divorcing. This information has been gleaned from extensive reading on this topic, personal experience, and drawing upon my training as a psychologist.
Now, I completely recognize that not all parents are created equal. You may read this and think, “But my husband is a total deadbeat.” Or, “But my wife is an alcoholic.” I realize that it may be completely impossible to engage in the behavior that I’m about to describe. But try anyway. All you can do is your best.
Recognize that it’s okay to argue.
People who are divorcing argue. That’s a fact.
Set aside time to do so, outside of the house and away from the children. Get someone to watch the children and go sit in an empty parking lot if you need to. Say what you need to say there, and leave the ugliness in the parking lot. Once you return to the house, put your game face on and resume being a parent. Arguing time is arguing time, and all other time is parenting time.
You learn to shut off your urge to argue when you know there will be time later if needed.
Always remain cognizant of your child’s developmental level.
My children, ages 4 and 6, did not know the word “divorce”, and there was no need to introduce that word for a long time.
They knew that mommy and daddy had separate houses. They knew that they would continue to spend a lot of time with each of us. They knew that he and I would make all major decisions together. In time, my oldest child knew that “Mommy and Daddy have decided that we’re not going to stay married anymore”. My youngest child has yet to have a true understanding of marriage, let alone un-marriage.
If your children are older and are able to understand more, tell them in simple language. Address both the logistics of the situation and the emotions that are accompanying it. Don’t make them wonder unnecessarily, as the unknown is frightening. Focus on providing them with necessary information and reassurance rather than burdening them with your emotional angst.
Don’t expect your child to meet your emotional needs.
Sure, you may feel lonely. But that doesn’t mean your child should sleep in your bed or skip a social activity to keep you company. Don’t weep (in their presence) when they leave to spend time with the other parent. Smile, assure them they will have fun, and wave cheerfully as they depart. Save your most vulnerable moments for when you’re alone or with a trusted support person.
It is inappropriate to place your child in the role of caretaker. That is your job.
If you’re the non-custodial parent, show them your face over and over.
If you tell them that you’ll pick them up from school tomorrow, do it. If you promise to see them Saturday evening for movie night, do it. If you say you’ll call them after their dance recital, do it.
They need to see the non-custodial parent on a regular basis, and they need to know exactly when they will see him/her again. They’re not going to believe they have two involved parents if this isn’t demonstrated over and over and over again. Your child’s sense of security will improve as time passes and consistency is maintained.
Even if you live far away, technology is advanced enough to ensure that you “see” and speak to your child regularly, even if it’s through email, texting, Face Time, or Skype. If you don’t communicate with them regularly, this is a “you” problem, not a location issue.
Don’t shy away from the tough conversations.
Occasionally, my daughter will ask me a random question about marriage or divorce. For example, recently my brother got engaged. She asked me what “engaged” means. I said, “It’s when you promise each other that you’re going to get married someday”. She said, “When you get married, are you supposed to stay together forever?”
Rather than get all squeamish and guilt-ridden about the fact that her father and I did not do this, I simply said, “Yes, you’re supposed to. Sometimes it doesn’t work out, unfortunately. But when it’s time to get married, you’re supposed to try to find someone that you think you’re going to want to be with forever. Getting married is a really big decision.”
I made eye contact as I spoke and waited to see if she had any further questions. She didn’t, and we moved on. We have these sorts of random conversations at least once per week. I always share them with her father so that we can be consistent with our answers should she ask him. Most likely, one parent will be more comfortable with these conversations than the other and the children will naturally gravitate toward the parent who can tackle the tough questions.
Prioritize your expectations for your spouse/ex-spouse.
Realize that now that you’re not living together, you have very little authority over your spouse. Would you like to insist that he refrain from feeding your child fast-food three nights per week? Absolutely. Would you like to prompt her to say “no” to purchasing trinkets every time she takes them into the store? Sure. But the fact is, as long as your spouse keeps the children physically and emotionally safe and well-cared for (in a general sense) you have no right to try to micro-manage the time s/he spends with them.
This can be very frustrating, but it’s a reality. Try to encourage specific behaviors by role-modeling them yourself, and enter the fray only when it’s an issue with safety or well-being.
Remember, you will always be members of the same family.
You are bound together by your children. Forever. It’s in your best interest, and that of your children’s, to protect your future relationship as much as possible. One day, my ex-spouse and I will both be sitting at the same table as our grandchild blows out the candles on her birthday cake. I intend to look across the table and smile at with him with joy and gratitude, rather than ill-will or spite.
Don’t speak negatively of one another. Once you speak ill of the other parent, this gives others permission to do so. And sooner or later, something negative will be said in front of the children. No child should have to defend their parent, even if their parent is unworthy. And I will bite my tongue a thousand times today in order to ensure the future “us” can blow out those birthday candles with our grandchildren one day.
Don’t let your children make adult decisions.
When making decisions about schedules or time spent with each parent, you may feel compelled to encourage the child to aid in decision-making. Parents may ask, “Do you want to sleep at Mommy’s house or Daddy’s house tonight?” or “With whom do you want to spend Christmas this year?”
By consulting the children, you’re basically asking them to choose between their parents. Children may then develop a sense of guilt about their choice, or may eventually use this power to manipulate their parents. Therefore, it’s important for the parents to make the decision (keeping in mind the children’s preferences whenever appropriate) and present it to the children as fait accompli.
Have you lived through this? Any advice you would like to add from the trenches?
Dr. Tara Egan is psychologist, parent coach, and blogger. She is the founder of Charlotte Parent Coaching and works with parents, teachers, and childcare providers to support children with behavioral needs. She also blogs at Do These Kids Make Me Look Crazy? where she was able to consistently find the funny until her husband of ten years told her he had been “planning a divorce for weeks” on Christmas Day 2010. At that point, she started chronicling the “year of divorce” in a manner that was sometimes funny, sometimes mopey, and oftentimes insightful.
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This is just such fundamentally GOOD advice. Honestly, even for people who are married and not divorcing, there is a takeaway here. Thank you Tara for this must read column.
Thanks, Ashley! I think the “don’t make your children make adult decisions” and “don’t shy away from the tough conversations” are tips that are super relevant for all parents, not just divorcing parents. I also get asked the question, “should parents argue in front of their children?” all the time. I always say, “Sure, you can argue as long as every feels safe, but make sure the children also see you make-up/resolve it.”
I’d also add: When your child comes home from spending time with the other parent, DO NOT grill him/her about what they did while they were gone. If the child wants to bring it up that’s fine, but if they don’t seem to want to talk about it, all you’re doing is alienating your children. My mother constantly did this to my brother and I, and I got to where I didn’t even want to SEE my father, because I didn’t want to answer her 5000 snide questions about everything we did over the weekend. I mean, obviously if you think there’s a problem you can ask a few pointed questions, but if you want to know if he got new livingroom furniture or a new TV, ask your ex. Your child is not your spy.
This is a very good point, Keri. I think this is a habit that is super easy to slip into, as you *think* you’re asking casual questions, but then your temper starts to get flared when you hear answers that you don’t like. Whenever I’m tempted to do this, I stop and think, “Remember, Tara, this stopped being your business the moment he stopped living here.”
Yeah, I mean I think it’s totally okay to ask your kids, “What did you do? Did you have a good time?” But anything beyond that just gets frustrating for the kids. Especially if they’re older. Kids know more than we give them credit for and they DO know the difference between general interest and snooping. Besides, I’ve learned with my own son (whose dad and I split when he was just a few months old – he’s now 12) that whatever you are wanting to know will all come out in good time. It might be a month (!!) but kids will eventually spill the beans. You just have to be patient. lol
I can see that. I agree that it has to be particularly transparent to older kids, as they’re able to understand when parents are questioning the judgment of the other parent or are feeling competitive or jealous. And you’re right—it all comes out in the end. My little ones have no idea that there is some information their father probably wouldn’t want shared.
I struggled hard with giving up the control when my boys went to their dad’s house. I tried to make sure he did everything like I wanted, he didn’t, we argued and it was no fun for anyone. I eventually figured out that our differences include parenting styles, and he isn’t harming them. Now I have to convince my current husband that we can’t control what happens at their dad’s house; it is a bit like going through the divorce all over again.
It is a hard pill to swallow, for sure. And I have SO much sympathy for those parents who have to send their children off to an ex-spouse who is truly incompetent or displays bad judgment. While my ex and I may do things a bit differently at times, I know that he very devoted to our children and would never deliberately do anything careless or harmful.
It never occurred to me that I could someday after to deal with the emotions that a new significant other may have for my situation with my ex!
This has happened to me recently – the dealing with how the new man deals with the situation with the old one. My BF went through a really nasty divorce not long ago and his ex is really all about the money. Money, money, money. She will never feel like he’s giving her enough (even though I could live like a Princess on the amount of child support she receives). Meanwhile, my ex and I made up our own agreement as to child support (we were never married so didn’t need to go through the courts) that we’re both very happy with. It’s worked out really well for 12 years, so I don’t really feel the need to change anything, but the current BF thinks I’m stupid for not getting this all court-i-fied and cast in stone. He doesn’t realize that not EVERY split is as contencious (sp?) as his and that some people CAN work things out without lawyers. He’s also afraid that my ex will decide to just stop paying child support one day. While he does have a good point, I also think that I’m not willing to rock the boat for something that’s worked perfectly for 12 years. My ex and I are, at this point, more or less friends, and I like getting along with him MUCH more than I would like to have some piece of paper from some court somewhere demanding that he pay me a certain amount of money that he is already paying happily each month. I realize my new guy is just looking out for me, but it’s hard for him to see the bigger picture when his OWN picture is so different.
You bring up a good point: I have three friends who are divorced. One had a very contentious divorce and there is still, five or so years later, a lot of animosity between him and his ex-wife. They still can’t have a conversation without it erupting in a fight and the last time I ran into her, she was still making barbed comments that invited a response which would allow her to complain about him. I didn’t take the bait – after all, he’s still friends with my husband and me – but I couldn’t believe the amount of anger that was still there. They NEEDED a court order to ensure that he received any time at all with his children – otherwise I have no doubt in my mind that he would never have seen them again (and he is a devoted father). My other friends, however, have managed to divorce and parent without animosity. And they have both worked out parenting duties/custody issues/child support without using the court system. I think one has a stipulation in her divorce decree about who claims their child for tax purposes from year to year, since they have 50-50 custody, but I know the other simply said “I’m leaving, you can have the house and all the property, I want the kind, uncontested, and x amount per month.” He agreed, and to this day, five years later, neither he nor she has ever gone to court. They split custody, even though she has primary, and there haven’t been any problems. So I understand what your BF is saying – you don’t have any legal recourse if something goes wrong – but I, too, have seen couples divorce and be able to maintain a cordial, respectful relationship that allows for peaceful parenting.
Swing Cheese–Oh, the palpable anger in people that exists YEARS after the divorce has been finalized. I feel bad for those folks, because it’s hard to live as a person who can’t find forgiveness. But ultimately, each person has the power to decide to forgive and move on. My ex seems so very angry at me, but I’m hopeful that it will fade over time. I suspect it will pass once all the details have been finalized, as SC law greatly favors him.
Oh, and I also wanted to say that on my personal blog there is a longer version of this article. In it, there is a section about not using your kids as weapons. Check it out if you’re interested.
I can’t find the longer version – can you post a direct link, please?
Yes, thank you for asking. It’s called “15 Ways to Help Your Child Adjust to Divorce”.
http://www.dothesekidsmakemelookcrazy.com/2012/01/11/15-ways-to-help-your-child-adjust-to-divorce/
Thanks. I was curious if I’d see the suggestions I added below there, but didn’t see all of them.
My parents have been divorced for 35 YEARS and my mother still can’t stand my dad’s name being mentioned. Makes it difficult because my dad lives down the road from me and we work together. So yeah, that kind of anger is so all-consuming. It’s really sad that she’s still bitter after all these years because it hurts HER the most.
That’s too bad. I’m sad for your mom, in particular, but also for all of you. A friend of mine was recently telling me that when she and her husband were getting married, her husband’s divorced parents would only communicate via writing in order to help with the wedding arrangements. She said it was exhausting. On the actual wedding day, his parents were able to be grown-ups enough to dance together at the wedding. It was a very nice moment for their newly married son.
What’s that saying? That the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior? I’d say that all signs show that your ex is intending to do right by you and your child for years to come. Bravo, sir. I wish everyone could just do the right thing, regardless of what a judge says.
Well, before you give my ex TOO much credit, you should also know that we split up because while I was pregnant he also got ANOTHER woman pregnant (2 kids, 6 weeks apart) and sees neither on a regular schedule. He lives in CA, I live in Texas, and the other child lives in AZ. I don’t think he sees either kid more than once or twice a year despite having plenty of means to do so if he wished. He’s good with money, but that’s about as “fatherly” as he gets.
Yikes, I’m sorry, Keri. Okay, credit rescinded.
It is tough sometimes, my husband will get very upset with my ex-husband and declare that they just aren’t going over there anymore. We both know that isn’t an option, but this all new to him and he loves my boys as if they were his own, and I think there is some jealousy involved as well.
My ex and I have our moments, but since I grew up with parents that couldn’t have parented better under one roof than they did under two, I think I have a great model and try to emulate them. I saw both my mom and dad everyday, there was no court orders, no fighting, etc. It was wonderful for us and ex and I try very hard to do the same for the boys. I have primary custody but he sees them whenever he wants them, and we split the costs of activities etc, no child support payments have ever changed hands. It works for us.
Wow, Stacy, what a wonderful example of co-parenting. And kudos to your parents for being good role models. I’d love to be able to share a similar story in a few years. Because everything isn’t finalized, it’s too soon to know. So far, we’re doing pretty well.
The people who really need to read these types of articles and take them to heart are usually the ones who don’t.
One thing I’d add is even if your ex opens a door with a child, you don’t have to walk through it. Not everyone plays by these rules, and many will try to tell the children things that are none of their business to win their loyalty. Even if the child comes to you and says highly inappropriate things like, “Mom said you’re leaving because you want to be with someone else. Is that true?” don’t take the bait to defend yourself against lies. Reiterate that you love the child, as parents you could no longer work together to do what is best for the child, and anything beyond that is the adults’ business and should not be any part of the child’s concern, so you will not discuss it.
Secondly, another thing I often see is that parents, especially when custodial issues are rocky, try to become their children’s friends rather than parent. Kids need rules and structure through this difficult, unpredictable time more than ever. Letting them stay up super-late on school nights to watch movies with you or eat all junk food when you don’t feel like cooking does them more harm than good. You may think you’re winning because the other parent still enforces a reasonable bedtime and puts broccoli on the table and the child doesn’t like it, but you’re not. The child should never choose which parent he or she wants to live with, so it does not have to be a popularity contest. Be a parent and raise a child with a sense of structure, responsibility, and respect for authority, even if it’s inconvenient for you or the child doesn’t like it in the moment.
Finally, when your child is with the other parent, respect the custodial time. Calling four or five times a day is not acceptable. If you have a concern about the safety or well-being of the child, take it before a judge, but if not, this is a sign of your insecurity alone. One short call a day is more than sufficient for most children. Doing so more often unnecessarily breeds anxiety and distrust in the child of the other parent, and sends the message that the child is not safe with his or her own parent.
Ah, the “fun parent”. It seems like this is seen a lot, doesn’t it? In my situation, there is one parent who has significantly more money than the other parent, and the wealthier parent gets to take them on vacations, to expensive activities, out to eat, etc. The less wealthy parent has to rely on their loving nature, creativity, and constant presence during daily routines to earn their keep.
Ugh, multiple calls a day? I would worry that inspires guilt in the child. An adult shouldn’t burden a child with their emotional needs.
No, not really being the “fun” parent, because you can be a fun parent without letting go of rules and discipline. I’m talking about suddenly vaulting the child to “equal” status in the relationship – letting the child choose where to eat, where to go on vacation, and letting go of rules and sometimes even common sense just so your kid thinks you’re cool … like letting a teen have friends over and “disappearing” so that they can experience alcohol and sex at way too young an age. When the child is subjected to age-appropriate restrictions at the other parent’s house, like a 9-year-old not being allowed to watch an R-rated movie, then they will naturally say, “you’re so mean! My other parent lets me!” I’ve seen so many couples who had a sense of rules, structure and heirarchy within the marriage devolve to absolute chaos because one parent suddenly thinks none of them are important anymore.
(Groan) I agree, that’s an awful thing to see! As a school psychologist, I saw that all the time with middle school and high school students; parents who were so worried that their child would stop loving them if they said “no” or set appropriate boundaries. It happens in intact families, certainly, but I’d imagine it’s particularly prevalent in families with divorce.
Very good point to add.
I have been the child in this situation and let me tell you how very needed these things are.
I was allowed to choose which parent I wanted to stay with and bounced back and forth due to my guilt of having chosen one parent over the other. kindergarten here, 1st-3rd 70 miles away, 4th-6th here, 7th, 70 miles away, etc… At one point I had written a letter to my mom saying I wanted to live with my dad, no ifs, ands or buts, and when I gave it to her I spit in her face. I was maybe 6?
I have also been on the receiving end of much badmouthing of the other parent. He only wanted me so he didn’t have to pay child support and she only wanted me so she could get child support. Yay! My parents loved money, but I was never sure about if they loved me. 30 years later and they still have some issues about being around each other, and the only parent I was ever totally sure of was my step-mom (she is a lovely, lovely woman and I am soooooo glad she is part of my life)
I have since apologized for my bad behavior, but never gotten the same from either of my parents. I don’t think they even realize what they put me through.
Please, if you are going through this and care for your children, make sure you keep in mind that they are the children and you are the parent. These really should be the official “Rules of Divorce.”
As a struggling stepmom, let me just thank you for that nice comment about yours, Daisy. If you would ever like to expound on what she did “right” I would really love to hear it.
I’d love to know this too Kristen!!! I hope to be a stepmother one day soon, so any helpful advice would be welcome.
Yes, Kristen, we’d like to hear your input on what makes a good stepmother. I know that it’s possible that I could have the role one day, and I’d love to learn vicariously through you.
I’m sorry, Daisy; I meant that I agree with Kristen and Keri. I’d like to hear your input too.
For starters one of the most time consuming things was every other Friday (my dad’s weekend) she would drive 70 miles one way to pick me up, then take me back Sunday. She always had a snack or something, since she picked me up right after school, and made sure I got my homework done on the trip up so I could have the rest of the weekend free.
She didn’t take any crap from me, just because she wasn’t my “real” mom. Of course this was probably easier for both of us to deal with since she came into my life at such a young age (3).
My bonus mom, as I’ve come to call her, made sure I had the things I needed and never treated me as anything other than her daughter. Since my dad worked 3rd shift during a lot of this she was my primary caregiver a LOT. She took me to work with her and while I know, now, it was to save on baby sitting money, it always felt like she just wanted me around because she loved/liked me. She taught/teaches me a lot about how you love someone and still don’t have to let them get away with anything.
I couldn’t tell you any specific things she did to make me feel so welcome/at home/loved, but there has never been a doubt in my mind that she loved ME. Sorry I couldn’t be more specific. I guess what it comes down to is – she never made me feel like a burden. No disparaging remarks about any of the adults in the situation or me. If I needed something, she made it accessible, even if I didn’t know I would need it. (eg: because of her I have straight teeth)
I love both of my parents but wouldn’t trade my bonus parents for anything.
Wow, Daisy. I totally want to give your bonus mom a hug. I think we can all learn from her. Thank you for sharing.
It’s wonderful to hear how treasured a stepmother can be.
Thank you for going into detail. I hope that taking the high road and focusing only on changing my relationship with my stepdaughters (and encouraging their relationship with their dad, including leaving them time alone) will give them this message in the end also.
Oh yes THIS! I’m so sorry that you had to go through all that, but I hope your story helps someone else NOT do that to their own kids. My mom used to talk trash about my dad growing up, “He’s late on child support because he doesn’t love you kids enough” was a popular comment of hers. Meanwhile, my dad has never, to this day, said ONE SINGLE bad word about her. And don’t think that hasn’t damaged my relationship with my mother. I’m very proud of the way I’ve conducted myself with my son’s father. It’s probably my biggest accomplishment. My son, who is 12, asked me the other day what child support was. Child support!!! That made me happy to know that he’s never heard me mention it, or argue with his dad about it, or complain to my friends about it. But I realize that’s probably not the norm.
What a wonderful anecdote, Keri. As you may have noted from the bio at the end of this post, I’m a parent coach. I am currently working with a divorced couple who are struggling to co-parent. They are both bright, loving parents who seek to have a strong relationship with their child. But they are very different and the father, in particular, is struggling to find forgiveness and can’t even really be in the same room with the mother. Although I’m not certain, I suspect their child has heard many negative things said about her mother. It appears to be impacting her respect for her father, as well as undermining his authority. I’m so glad you take such pride in your functioning relationship with your child’s father; it’s well deserved. I hope I can say the same thing when my children are teenagers,
As a child of divorce, and a divorce attorney, I always tell my clients that badmouthing and trash-talking the other parent is a losing situation. Kids are pretty smart, so if the other parent is a douchebag, the kids figure that out all on their own, like my siblings and I did, despite my mother’s best attempts to cover for him (yes, she tried to make him look GOOD for us after they split). When one parent is a jerk, the kids know, and when the other parent says negative things, it makes that parent look like a jerk, too, not the hero they are trying to be. Never underestimate what the kids can figure out without your help!
I completely agree. I believe in karma doing all the dirty work.
As both a child of divorce (badmouthing, fighting, guilt trips, etc.), and a mom with an ex — I can tell you it’s SO much better when the parents can put the kids first. One thing that can really help with people who have a hard time communicating (and if you could communicate better with each other, you probably wouldn’t be divorced in the first place) — is to put EVERYTHING in writing. My ex and I developed a “parenting plan” that included everything from religion to sky diving. We used a template and each filled in the things that were most important to us, then negotiated from there. We used a mediator for an hour to work through contentious issues, but ultimately came away with something we could both live with. We’ve been divorced for 12 years and I literally just got an email from him praising me as a mom to our 16 yo daughter. Have there been incredibly frustrating times? Absolutely. But you bite your tongue and look at the bigger picture. The bigger picture is having a sweet, confident daughter who knows that she can’t play us against each other and who doesn’t feel guilty when she walks out the door to spend time with her other parent. She thinks we’re “weird” that we get along so well.
I wish my mother had read this when I was a child.