Five Unwritten Facebook Rules
Why five? Because it’s all I could think of.
Now, let’s get started.
1. Farmville. No one cares about your pretend farm. I’m sorry if that hurts. And, I still like you. I really do. But, before all you fake farmers get defensive, know that I have been on both sides of this fence. In the early days of Farmville, I had my own freaky little fake farm, too. I worked so hard, tending to my crops and milking my damn cows. I even decorated my farm when Christmas rolled around. Then one day, I woke up, and a little voice said to me, “What in the hell are you doing, weirdo?” I haven’t been back to my farm since. And now I’m just scared to. I’m pretty sure the cows are all dead and someone is using my quaint little farmhouse, that I worked so hard to build, to cook meth or something. Sigh. Anyway, my point? Oh right, keep your farming news among you and your fellow farmers and leave the rest of us out of it, okay? This goes for all you Bejeweled players, too.
2. Joint husband and wife accounts. It’s just…it’s just…what the what? This falls into the same category as married couples who share an e-mail account. As much as I may (or may not) love you both, I really don’t want to message you and your husband both about my yeast infection. Besides, shouldn’t there be some things you do as individuals?
3. The Facebook Chat Ambush. You know what I’m talking about. You wake up, turn on your computer and before you have a chance to “appear offline,” BAM, someone is asking you what you’ve been up to for the past 20 years. It’s the equivalent of ringing someone’s doorbell the very moment you see them pull up in their driveway. And if you’re like me, you drop to the ground like you’re being shot at when someone drops in unannounced. Nobody move or say a word, they’ll go away if they don’t hear anything. Now, army crawl to the bedroom. Go! Go! Go! I do the same thing with Facebook chat. When someone pops up I freeze. Like they can see me. It’s totally intense and stressful. So, I think a good rule of thumb for this is to wait, like, ten(ish) minutes before you pop up in someone’s face. That will give them time to “appear offline” if they don’t feel like chatting.
4. The “please re-post this if you have ever eaten a piece of food before and if you don’t you will never get laid again and also you might die” status updates. Because, really? REALLY? This is the equivalent of e-mail forwards telling me, “If I don’t forward this to 30 people I will get an itchy rash on my nether regions right before Planet Earth explodes into a billion pieces.” NEWSFLASH: This isn’t real, people. It just isn’t. Click delete. You can do it. Nice and easy.
5. Tagging. There is absolutely nothing worse for me than logging into my e-mail account only to find a message with the subject line, “Jane has tagged a photo of you on Facebook.” A million things flash through my head as I throw my child across the room and make a beeline for the computer. What picture? Do I look fat? Does my hair look okay? Am I playing the bongos naked? So, unless you can be sure that I look smoking hot in that photo and that it wouldn’t get me fired, be a dear and ask before you tag a home-girl.
Now, what are you waiting for?
Let’s be friends.
(But if you tag me in a picture, I will cut you.)
(Also, I don’t know anyone named Jane.)
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Allison Zapata decided to start a blog at three in the morning, while up sobbing with her crying newborn. She loves to write, but doesn't call herself a writer. She doubts herself often, and is known to have mini-meltdowns on the regular. Allison resides in Texas with her often embarrassed husband, two sons, two dogs, and one asshole cat. 
I was getting ready to tweet you about this awesome post and then I remembered how I die a little inside when people tweet me instead of commenting on the post because comments make my world go round, and… wait… what was I saying? Oh yeah, this post rocks the kasbah. So true, my dear. Amen, sister–to all of the above. Especially the army crawling at stoppers-by.
YES! Thanks for the comment!! :) I LOVE YOU! :)
ok! I “like” this post but i must admit I’m guilty of #1 at times sorry;)
Don’t be sorry!! I won’t hold it against you! I’m a recovered farmer, remember ;)? xoxo
Although I do play Farmville there is nothing more I hate than logging onto Facebook and my entire feed is farmville! You don’t need to publish everything!! The hide feature is great though!
Along with the post this if …. I HATE the super lovey ones too! You know the one like “repose this if you have the best husband in the world who does everything for you blah blah blah I love my husband!” I want to stab pitch forks in their eyes!
Great post!
YES! Those drive me nuts!!
Thank you! :)
XOXO
I have itchies in the nethers, but I don’t think it’s related to not re-posting on Facebook.
Probably just from being skanky.
xoxo
that’s a given.
YES YES YES!!!!! I think we ALL need to link this up on Facebook now. I’m just sayin….
I AGREE! ;)
XOXO
Love this. Especially the ambush chatting. Absolutely hate that feature of facebook.
me too!!!! so stressful!
and thank you!!
xoxo
I play the games and I post some items that I think my fellow “farmers” or “frontiersman” will want/need. Generally, I give them 1-2 hours to claim them then I delete the post off my page. Also – people can elect to hide notifications from their news feed if they wish. I actually posted instructions on how to do it on my FB page asking people not to delete me as a friend but to “hide” game notifications instead. :)
I am with you on the photo tagging and have untagged a few of myself. I think friends should let you know they have posted a photo of you, then you can elect to tag yourself if you want.
I don’t have any FB notifications chosen and yet still I get notifications of things to my personal email (which goes straight to SPAM- whoot!) and list of things to respond to. Grr! FB is getting really needy!
Karen, that’s cos they are sending them to you personally. There’s an option when you send a game request to send them to EVERYONE or to just your other friends that PLAY THAT GAME. The friends sending these to you need to wise up and send them correctly! Send ‘em to me if they don’t know how!
YES. WTF is up with joint accounts?!?!? SERIOUSLY.
It blows my mind.
I don’t have any friends with these, thankfully. But I have forgotten to log off my husband’s before I comment. Yeah, that looks weird, sorry peeps.
The tagging thing kills me, mostly because I got tagged for pictures that weren’t even of me. I was tagged as a Christmas stocking hanging from a mantle, I was tagged as part of a tractor trailer (?????) And then I got 700 followup notices from all the other people tagged in the same non-human photo of us. I know this doesn’t make any sense. Now you know how I feel.
Excellent post!
p.s. I have been offline Facebook chat for a year. I’d like to uninstall the whole application if it were possible. Stop talking to me!
hahahahaha! I totally get you!! Hilarious!
xoxo
Can I add one? It may just be a personal hate, but if I have to read one more “Which (enter movie/book here) character are you?” I might scream. Especially when these are followed by no less than 4 similar posts in a row like “Are you ready to get married?” and “What kind of friend are you?” My guess is the answer to the latter two are No and Poor if you spend 3 hours taking quizzes about yourself on FB nd posting the answers.
HA! Love it!
xoxo
I hate the status messages that are some fake news story. It only take 2.5 seconds on google to find out if it is real or not.
I KNOW!! Google News – HELLOOOO!
SNOPES, ya’ll!
Not only am i against joint accounts – I am not even friends with my husband on Facebook!
HA! My husband doesn’t have a FB account. THANK GOD!
xoxo
The joint account thing totally freaks me out. Completely. I don’t get it at all. I mean what happened to being an individual. What also creeps me out? Women that sign their names Mrs. so and so. My aunt did that and I never got it. Even when I was a kid. Alright, so now you’re married. Does that mean you are no longer you? Just weird.
Totally agree!! Crazy!
XOXO
And people need to practice facebook courtesy and not post pictures of people with their eyes closed or semi-closed. that’s just a total hate crime.
i see that and all i can think is “open your eyes Shelby, open your eyes!”
I just shot snot out of my nose onto my screen.
“Drink the juice, Shelby, drink the juice!”
and coffee just came out my nose as well.
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA!
that is all. wait no its not.
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!
That’s an awesome reference! “Oh, look! A Tale of Two Kidneys!”
This was GREAT! made my morning!
Thank you!!!
XOXO
You know what else? I scurried around to find your blog after reading this post as a link on facebook, and ….I’ve already subscribed! (you impressed me earlier, apparently too) Here’s the deal…I LOVE so many of you talented writers, that I’ve subscribed to a ba-JILLion blogs on my reader, and NO way can I get through all of the posts in a day or two…so I take it slow and savor each one like a stash of private Godiva chocolate. Your blog posts are saved for me to enjoy! *whew!*. Anyway, I wanted you to know about this, ’cause now I’m losing track of the authors I’ve already signed up with! hee hee hee….
THANK YOU! You made my morning :)
I hope you read and subscribed to my blog. It’s much better than Allison’s.
Only it’s not.
I’m totally with you on 1-4. Don’t even get me started on that whole “change your picture to a picture of a cartoon character to prevent child abuse nonsense” which I submit as a sub-category of #4.
As far as 5 goes, you can change your settings so folks can’t tag you in photos or so they don’t show up anywhere. I think you go to privacy settings and set the photos to be only viewable by yourself. Or you can just click “untag” but of course the damage has already been done.
GREAT to know! Thanks!
XOXO
How about we just stick to ORIGINAL posts? Quit mass re-producing someone else’s LAME post! Come up with something original, or don’t post at all! Chances are, if YOU got it from someone else, the rest of us have already seen it about 20 times, at least.
At a recent Christmas party, I went around yelling, “don’t tag me & I won’t tag you, bitchez!” It worked. And now I don’t have to throw my child across the room anymore.
hahahaha! great idea!
xoxo
Spot on, I always stay Off Line so I can not get ambushed ..love your writing!
THANK YOU!!!!!!
XOXO
i love you so hard. this made my morning.
LOVE YOU HARDER!
XOXO
Don’t forget posting song lyrics or similar crap. I love music. I really do. Which is why I listen to it all the time. I don’t need to read the lyrics on your freaking FB page. Thanks. And if your life is so uninteresting that you have nothing else to post on FB, maybe you should stop spending so much damn time on FB playing Farmville! Just a suggestion.
And the little cryptic comments. The ones that are supposed to have some hidden meaning that “some” people might get. You’re not fooling anyone. We all know what it means. And you know how we all know? Because we’re all IM’ing about you behind your back.
OH the passive aggressive cryptic comments KILL ME!
HA!
XOXO
Those are very very bad. I have one *friend* who apparently is not liked by her fiance’s crew and she constantly writes about how she no longer has room in her life for mean people and she is taking the higher road and staying away from the “concubines from his forme life.” Except she constantly posts about them. And I don’t know who the concubines are, but I am starting to think they are on to something!
Great post! I keep my chat offline & only rarely login, usually regretting it everytime I do. LOL
Sadly, I’ve been guilty of #5 in the past. I don’t do it anymore. I leave it up to the person in the photo. If they wanna be tagged, they can do it themselves. And I’m good with that.
Between you and me? I’ve also done it :(
xoxo
My husband’s best friend’s soon to be ex wife (did you get all of that?) tagged me in a few photos. They were of me at the hospital after the birth of my son Wyatt. I looked like hell! My hair was a mess. My gown a muss from nursing and my boob almost hanging out. No make up and bags under my eyes. For the love of God I just gave birth! I looked horrible and apparently she got a kick out of posting these horrible pictures of me and tiny new baby. I untagged myself from the photos and talked my husband out of climbing through the computer and killing her. I would have killed her but I had a baby on my boob.
OH MAN! I would have died if anyone tagged me after I had my kid! HA! XOXO
While I think mom’s who’ve just given birth to be amazingly beautiful simply by BEING… yeah, that’s a bit much. First of all, it’s weird. Not her baby, you’re not related to her… kinda weird. I don’t even post pics of my sister-in-law unless my husband or I are in them.
I admit, I’m guilty of most of these things BUT I do too hate those feeds from the games and I play them! I am going to start hiding them from my own profile b/c I really do get on, when I do get the chance, to mainly check on family in Iraq, other states, and friends I really keep up with and have for years. I just ventured here and you rock:). I just get sucked into everything b/c I’m like: the kids are asleep, the hubby’ watching some weird movie that does not interest me at all, the house needs to be cleaned, what to do: I know! I’ll farm:) Will be reading more, when supposed to be working or studying, when I can:)………..which totally means today………in like 10 minutes…….or 5……..whatever:)
I totally understand!! I used to be a farmer remember? Its a nice escape from reality sometimes, right?!
XOXO
LMAO! Great post to read first thing in the morning, thank you! Then one about couples sharing FB and email… ‘what the what?’ is right! I just don’t ever comment to them bc I don’t know who is actually reading or writing it, so annoying!
HA! Seriously! AND I would hate to share an email with my husband! Weird! XOXO
I don’t think anyone should be allowed to have a Facebook page without reading this first.
HAHA! XOXO
I still have tears streaming down my face from laughing and relating to the list. Although I am so guilty of the tagging friends in MY photos. My friends detest me snapping pictures like the papparazzi. And I am just that. I’ve got some of the best snaps and some of the most awkward snaps. But all funny. I guess this year’s resolution is to get a good photo shop program with skinny angle lens to take pictures this year. ;-) Or stop taking pictures all together… nah I just won’t tag anyone.
YOU CAN DO IT. Step away from the mouse ;) XOXO
The ambush chat is my nemesis. I have two friends who ambush every time I log on and it’s not just like nice conversation, it’s like they ask how your are so you’ll ask how they are and then they always respond with some form of awful/terrible, etc. I am not your therapist.
But there is an out. This is my well kept facebook secret. If you create a “group” on fb, and put your ambush chatters in a group, you can then turn OFF the chat to that group so you NEVER show up as online to them, effectively ending the ambush chat. I know that this sounds kind of terrible and mean, but I’m okay with that.
Love. Except I turned Facebook chat off from day one, and have never, ever used it.
You? are brilliant! Thanks!
XOXO
OMG! I love this! If any of my friends start ambushing me, I will have to totally try this!
How funny and true. I just love this and what I love more, is going through and reading the comments, you took the time to reply to many many people. Right on! You don’t see that very often where someone takes the time to reply to comments. ^_^ I think I might just love you for it.
Anyways, I agree with all of the above. Although I have to say I am a dedicated farmer *feelsashamed* haha. I don’t post anything, I like to just decorate my farm and milk my cows ;)
awwwww, don’t feel ashamed! HA! I totally understand :) And THANK YOU for your comment :) XOXO
I’m a “fake” farmer. I know you hate me! I know how annoying the posts are, so I try not to post updates very often at all. I’m getting better.
Also, my aunt posted a photo of me from almost 3 years ago on her page. It’s a picture of me in a bathing suit. THANK GAWD she didn’t tag me, because it was not a flattering picture and I would have died!!
I hadn’t noticed, yet, but I am totally keeping an eye on your farmer ass from now on! :) XOXO
YES TO ALL OF THIS OMG
Love this post. But can we talk about Vague-book-ers, please? You know, the folks who write those instigating status updates that pique your curiosity but make you view the author a bit scornfully? You know, “I can’t believe this is happening to me. Someone make this nightmare end”. Um, what does that mean? Did you just get raped or are you watching the new season of Real Housewives? CAUSE I DON’T KNOW.
hahahahahahahaha! AGREED! :)
XOXO
THISSSSSSSSSS.
I hate that! And the worst offender on my friends list is one of the leaders of my online play group. So I can’t even unfriend her with out looking like a jerk! Not everything requires a dramatic Facebook comment about how your life is ending! And don’t post how your world is crumbling around you then delete the post like nothing happened when people ask you what is wrong!
Ahhh, but you can BLOCK her posts!
This is my #1 pet peeve of Facebook. I have a neighbor who does this. I also like to refer to this as “the Sympathy Baiter”. You know them.
Omg! The joint account thing. Has got. to. go.
I’m pretty sure Zuckerberg did not have that in his 20 year old vision.
hahahaha!
omg! yes
the one that annoys me the most is the joint fb accounts. they make me wanna cut someone!!
also, the vague status updates. if you write “going into the city to see my lawyer” expect to be asked wtf for! :/
What about the assholes who post cryptic updates about some kind of drama in their lives just for attention? A girl put one up today that said, “Just dropped a bombshell, now waiting for the fallout” and then she had about 5 “what’s going on??” And then she responded by saying, “Thanks for the support you guys!” Assholes.
bwhahahahaha! awesome!
xoxo
Or when they say something like “Hey Jane text me and I will explain it to you.” Ummmmm … no … NO NO NO! WTH? Explain it to all of us! How come Jane gets to know? I don’t even know your cell!
Can we please add to the list?….
I hate when people have pictures of anything but themselves -their pets, kids, cartoon characters, or other random people/things – as their profile picture. How the heck am I supposed to know who this person is that is friend requesting me if you don’t have a photo reference (especially when their name isn’t the same and they went to the same high school almost 20 years ago)?
Just for that I will not allow you access to my FB :P LOL
totally. I hate that, too. WHO ARE YOU b/c I know you’re really not Bugs Bunny! XOXO
Well there are some of us who use Facebook only to keep in touch with siblings or whatever. I do not want the world to know who I am, My profile is so private you can’t even find it by searching Google. My Facebook picture will never be of me because I am hiding from someone who could cause me harm if they found me. However, I don’t feel that I should not be allowed to live my life just because that someone is out there. I don’t do Myspace because their privacy protection is not as good as Facebook’s. I think people need to understand that those of us who don’t post an actual picture of ourselves as our profile picture may have very specific reasons.
When I add someone I do specifically tell them who I am, and of course they are always people that I know personally.
I never thought about it this way! I completely understand! Thanks for sharing wih me…xoxoxo
I loved this post! And I will be changing my facebook ways!
Thank you!!!
XOXO
For #1 – you do realize you can keep your friends and HIDE all the lame applications from posting to your feed, right?! Joe Schmoe could be a farmville, mafia wars, or bejeweled junkie and you’d never know because you hid them from your feeds.
I don’t get why people don’t utilize those features more.
As for the “tagging” I have a worse one. I have SIL-to-be who is a chronic tagger. She had a baby this past Spring and e-v-e-r-y s-i-n-g-l-e picture she posts of her baby she tags my MIL, her mom, my BIL, and some friends in them. Not just 1 or two to say “hey I posted some pics I want you to see.” no she tage every effing one of them!
My poor MIL is tagged in over 1500 pictures and growing and she’s not in a single one of them. She doesn’t know how to untag herself, let alone how to work facebook aside from farmville, so I get double the posts from SIL-to-be has posted new pictures and then posts about MIL has been tagged in . . .
OMFG it’s so highly annoying I HAD to block my SIL-to-be and MIL because of the tagging SPAM.
YES! I finally hid all of those apps, and then I noticed ppl posting things in their status updates! HA!
OMG your poor MIL!! YIKES!
XOXO
This post calls for two Fantas and a real Coke! <3!
WOOT!!! Great! Now that’s all I want! GAH! ;)
XOXO
Love your posts. You are very talented:)
Thank you so much, Sharon!!!! Great end to my day! :)
XOXO
Love it!!! You literally made me laugh out loud, not just laugh in my head and say lol :)
I often leave my computer on, and come back hours later to find chat windows open with “hey!” “You there?” “I’ve got a question!” And what have. Apparently I need to learn how to hide myself!
Thanks for the guffaw. Everyone needs one at least daily :)
Thanks!!! Also, guffaw is a great word! :) XOXO
And also, try to use some punctuation and spell things kind of like they may actually be spelled. Because otherwise? You are being judged hard by your current husband’s ex-girlfriend who is totally stalking you online.
Bwahahahahaha! Love this, so true!
*and my friends call me a grammar nazi cos I correct their Facebook statuses. Cos Damn, really? IE AND Firefox have spell check for this reason, people!*
I hate the tagging feature because 99% of the time the photo is VERY unflattering and I have to remove my tag!
Now that remindes me… I need to go remove my tag from some unflattering photos…
and then I feel bad when I untag myself. I wonder if he sends that person a notice? hmmm.
xoxo
Awesome! I love this!
What about birthday wishes from people who barely know you. Like they really care? Or when you’re friends with a husband and a wife (separate accounts) and they are posting about each other while in the same room! (Ex: “Sitting with the wife watching Seinfeld reruns. Sure wish she’d get up and make me something to drink.”) My biggest peeve is TMI posts. I swear I had a friend post “The oldest is upstairs calling for toilet paper. I hope we have some.”
The birthday notices STRESS ME OUT! Do I say Happy Birthday do I not? UGH! HA!
xoxo
I am a recovered farmer as well, more out of neccesity than a wake up slap, but all the same it doesn’t intereste me. Bewjeled still does, but I don’t post that stuff. Who wants to see me only getting 25,000 points after playing it all day. Love your entry. Very funny and true. Thank you for the laughter.
Thank you for reading!! :)
xoxo
GAH! I hate logging in to tagged photos! I immediately untag 99% of them anyways!
same here. I wonder if ppl get a notice when you untag yourself?
thanks for reading! xoxo
I hate when you see statuses that say “like this and I will tell you what I love, hate and don’t know about you” or “like this and I’ll write a few sentances on your wall”
ME TOO!!!!!!! HA!
xoxo
I like the Birthday Feature only because it made me smile when Mrs. barefootfoodie herself told me happy birthday..I did the huh wtf how did she know? for a second, then realized EVERYONE knows my birthday on fb..funny post, loved it!
HA!
Thank you!
xoxo
YES!
bwahahhaaaa
This made me proper laugh out loud! I’ve read it a dozen times already. LOVE #5!
YAY! Thank YOU! :)
XOXO
Love It!!! I feel this way on every point!!!
Bwahahaha! I so love this!
The tagging is the worst. If I wouldn’t hang the picture in my home for all to see, I don’t want it in my facebook album either. That picture of my daughter where she has her eyes practically closed and looks like sloth? Yeah, I don’t want it. Also the picture you took last weekend of two totally different people where all you could see of me was the backside of my fat arm in the background? Yeah I don’t want at one either. MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHAT IN THE WORLD WOULD POSSESS YOU TO UPLOAD THESE IN THE FIRST PLACE?
I am kind of tired of invitations to family and friends events going out en masse strictly on FB. Actually I am kind of tired of getting event invitation notices on FB and having to respond publicly. It is awkward and impersonal… and WTH when I miss major milestone family birthday parties because I didn’t log on to FB for a week or two?
The entire social network thing, especially FB is so amazingly stupid. Don’t you morons realize the entire purpose is to collect your personal data and sell it to spam marketers? Never mind what happens when the governments collect the data.
Facebook = stupid, stupid, stupid.
Thanks so much for reading :)
Yeah! I HATE FACEBOOK!
No worries, I’m already on the white house sh** list for “liking” the “Obama is my fave prez” prayer. Hope the Dems are still against water boarding when they go after me. If not, first one I’ll point them to is my *Love it or leave it* “friend.” Yah. I actually got that response when I posted.
Haha, so my fave tag was of my daughter, whose anatomically incorrect stunt double (she’s often mistaken for Barbie), was tagged spanking Ken.
Ok, Allison, gave you my email in full trust, no spam!
If your afraid that a picture on facebook is gonna get you fired you have two options, get the fuck off of facebook or stop doing stupid shit and getting pictures taken while you do it.
Thank you for the advice, T Bone. :)
How about parents on Facebook? I know you love your kid and all, but when it gets to the point where every status and every picture is about them, it’s not even YOUR Facebook even more. I came on Facebook to hear about YOUR life, not about what your baby ate for lunch. I can understand being a proud parent, but come on! And what’s even creepier is when mothers are having a discussion on Facebook, all I see are baby heads talking back and forth. I don’t remember adding babies on my Facebook. o.O
LMAO funny stuff, especially #1! :) I kinda have my account locked down to avoid a couple of the annoyances you mentioned. I don’t see ‘em cows anymore as I have blocked Farmville (and most other Zynga crap) as an app. Have also restricted viewing of tagged photos from all but myself (after my college roomie posted a group pic with me sporting the hairdo of a white-crested hornbill!).
Can I get an ‘Amen!?’ I started to lose faith in the intelligence of my FB friends when they began inundating me with Farmville, Cafeville, Mafia Wars, etc requests.
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