Most colleges around the country let out for their winter break, which means that for many parents, that was the first time they’d seen their college-aged kids in several months. And it also means that it was the first time that many parents might catch the first glimpse of a scary change.
The first semester of college is one of the most common times for the development of an eating disorder.
The Eating Recovery Center explains that this is the perfect storm for eating disorders because kids have become so aware of the freshman 15, in addition to stress and pressures of meeting new people and succeeding in school. They quote a statistic that 1 in 5 college students admits to an eating disorder. If that statistic doesn’t scare you, then I’m not sure what would.
I was one of these students. I developed an eating disorder during that first semester of college. I dropped a rather dramatic amount of weight from August to December by essentially starving myself and exercising excessively. My anorexia was the result of many factors, including a lifetime of being teased for being overweight, depression that I couldn’t manage on my own and the need for control in a totally new environment.
I have never asked, but based on their reactions and the conversations they tried desperately to have, I know my parents knew that something was wrong when I came home for winter break. My depression had been addressed, but my eating habits were clearly off, I was exercising compulsively and my weight was way down. When they asked me if everything was okay, I lied and said it was. When my mom took me to a doctor who noted my weight loss and asked if my period was still regular I lied to her too.
Eating disorders are incredibly hard to talk about, but I thought I would give some suggestion to parents and friends who are facing this situation this winter. Keep in mind that everyone is different and so you’ll have to adapt your communication to the person you’re talking to, but hopefully these can help you on the way.
- Don’t get angry. Even if your child or friend is lying to your face. The lying isn’t meant to be malevolent, it’s just a defense mechanism. And I can’t speak for everyone, but when I said I wasn’t being unhealthy with my eating and exercise, I genuinely believed that I wasn’t being unhealthy. I was eating 3 very low calorie meals a day and exercising. In my mind, I was a picture of health.
- Be patient and understanding. The first time you broach the subject you’re probably not going to get anywhere. Most likely not the second or third time either but you need to stay calm and keep trying. I’m not going to lie, your child is probably going to get irritated with you, but I promise you that it won’t last and it’s worth it if you can get them help before things go too far.
- Do not discuss their appearance. I cannot emphasize this enough. The conversation must have nothing to do with how your child looks. If you comment that they look good, it will further promote that what they’re doing is good. If you comment that they don’t look good, it might just push them to starve themselves further to try to look better. You have to leave appearances out of it and encourage others to as well.
- Keep it private. I know everyone loves a good intervention, but there is often shame associated with eating disorders and bringing the whole family in on it will most likely be overwhelming. Sure, both parents, or parents and siblings are fine, but aunts, uncles and grandparents have no place in this conversation unless they’re extremely close to your child.
- Put health above all else. This one might not work for everyone, but I was so obsessed with the idea of being healthy, that for me, the realization that this was not healthy was one of the things that finally snapped me out of it. Appeal to the intellectual side of your child, not the emotional. Explain that there are long term consequences of not eating well and that their health is too important to not take this seriously.
- Once they realize they have a problem, take it at their pace. Once I realized what was really going on with me and admitted it out loud, it took weeks for me to seek help. Be there for support, but give them room to make decisions too. If your child is anything like me, the eating disorder might have a big control component, so giving them control to make their own appointments and decisions, with support and gentle nudges to actually make those appointments, will be far more effective than forcing them to attend counseling or a support group.
I know that there is more than can be said here, but I think that this is a start. If you’ve been in this situation, either as the child or the parent/friend, I’d really love to hear what did and didn’t work for you. The more we talk about this and share experiences, the more families will have resources to pull from. And hopefully that will allow parents to address these problems before it’s too late.
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This “Don’t get angry, even if your child or friend is lying to your face,” is so important. Someone who is suffering doesn’t want to feel like she (or he) is failing at something else by getting friends and family upset at them.